by Sharon O | Oct 3, 2013 | Uncategorized
I am not afraid
when you walk at my side.
(perfect love casts out fear 1st John 4:18)
Your trusty shepherd’s crook
makes me feel secure.
(In this context the shepherd tended, protected and guarded the flock. The crook of the stick was very helpful in moving the sheep in the right direction, to fight off a predator or rescue one who was tangled in brush)
You serve me a six-course dinner
right in front of my enemies.
(you provide substance for me)
You revive my drooping head;
(you give hope when I feel hopeless)
my cup brims with blessing.
(you give me encouragement)
Your beauty and love chase after me
every day of my life.
(oh that we would know and remember his love for us)
I’m back home in the house of God
for the rest of my life.
(Let us go to the house of the Lord Psalm 122:1)
I will never leave the safety of his presence.
by Sharon O | Oct 1, 2013 | Uncategorized
“The Lord is my shepherd;
I have all that I need.
He lets me rest in green meadows;
He leads me beside peaceful streams.
He renews my strength.”
(Psalm 23:1-3a)
1-3
God, my shepherd!
I don’t need a thing.
You have bedded me down in lush meadows,
you find me quiet pools to drink from.
True to your word,
you let me catch my breath
and send me in the right direction.
Even when the way goes through
Death Valley,
I’m not afraid when you walk at my side.
by Sharon O | Sep 30, 2013 | Uncategorized
I remember him asking me:
“what do you want on your gate? what do you like?”
I said to him, “I love roses and angels.”
He didn’t think he could make an angel but he did make a rose trellis…
and I will treasure it always.
From dad.
by Sharon O | Sep 29, 2013 | Uncategorized
Before we arrived at the care home where mom lives
we had shared about our ‘need’ to have a small service for dad.
Mostly for mom but it would be good for us too.
Dad didn’t want a formal service and it always feels weird and unfinished with out anything.
We decided to ask her if she would feel comfortable with that idea and she agreed.
With all of us down the hall into her bedroom/sitting room we began to share a few words about dad.
In her quiet voice she mentioned that it feels very strange now to not have him around anymore.
He was always holding her hands and keeping her close by him.
It was for him a mixture of love, control and protection so she would remain safe.
We shared a little and laughed a little and asked her if she was sad.
Then we began to sing a few songs.
The ones that dad would know and love and also the ones she would remember.
Tears fell as the voices sang,”I come to the garden” along with “Amazing Grace” then adding “this little light of mine” and “Jesus loves me.” The voices continued with “Jesus loves the little children.”
The only few things missing from the room were a guitar and dad.
The service was short and simple but I do believe she enjoyed it.
It is hard when a loved one passes from us.
We remember so much on so many levels at different times of the day and hour. Grief cannot be rushed or hurried.
It is a process and it takes time.
He created and made this pretty gate but this is not where he is going to be laid to rest.
It was a choice of his and that will be honored.
A service of closure always leads us to a lifetime of remembering.
The good and not so much the bad.
It is pointless to remember bad things about someone now gone.
We had a service and tears were shed.
We closed the door on this chapter of our lives.
Our dad is gone now and we say good bye to a ‘man’ of many talents.
He lead a colorful life and we believe that only he would know the stories that haven’t been told.
Our dad is gone now and we move on one day at a time.
It does feel strange to not have him sitting in the room with us.
We miss him. Remember him and know he is in a better place.
by Sharon O | Sep 28, 2013 | Uncategorized
A week ago I was in my bed warm with covers wrapped around me.
Not in a deep sleep but a sleep that was both comfortable and restless.
You know the kind I am talking about where your spirit is unsettled.
I remember the phone ringing and the deep sinking feeling that something must be wrong.
Always when you receive a call early in the morning you know right away it might not be a good call.
It wasn’t.
The voice on the phone telling me they were sorry but my dad was gone.
The pain in my heart was immediate but the tears were walled off.
I laid there curled up in a ball after hanging up the phone.
The conversation repeating itself in my head as I shared the news with my husband.
I had seen dad five days before and was planning on going back up to see him again.
He just couldn’t hold on any longer.
Revisiting the conversation with the vet when I took my cat in earlier this month, when he said to me,
“she will die at home if you don’t do anything now”.
She had congestive heart failure too.
My dad passed away we think in his sleep.
That is a peaceful way to leave and not as horrible as we thought it would be.
Someone with his complications struggle and suffer in a terrible way.
We don’t think he did.
I am peaceful about our visits although I didn’t talk much to him I believe he knew I was there and he knew I loved him.
My dad left us a week ago.
When we see our mom now his chair is empty.
The oxygen tank and tubes missing and the pill bottles put away.
It is strange and a bit surreal.
The heart knows the depth of sadness and loss and it also realizes he is in a better place now and he is comfortable.
It is just hard I mean really hard to say “my dad passed away and I won’t ever get the chance to share matters of the heart with him.”
Sometimes my heart is heavy and I catch myself feeling the weight of too many losses in a short amount of time.
We lost my husbands dad in May so this year has been a series of losses.
A week ago we said good bye to a dad who was special in many ways.
We will never meet someone like him ever and we will never forget him.
Good bye dad… you were loved deeply.
by Sharon O | Sep 26, 2013 | Uncategorized
The other day I received a notice from Google telling me I had new ‘readers’ on the new reader list.
It surprised me because I thought their list was shut down and closed.
I had never received a notice from them before so in my curiosity
I clicked onto the site and it showed my blog.
Then I clicked onto the reader list and there were many who I do not know, never met and do not have any idea who they are.
Both men and women were on the list and it felt strange and almost incredibly vulnerable for me.
By nature privacy is very important.
Rarely do I share deep things although in the last few years God has pursued me to open up.
Blogging is such a different process for each of us.
It is similar to a personal journal but if one opens it up to the public then it is open.
Exposed.
Perhaps even having your own personal journey unprotected.
I struggled for months over the fact of opening this to ‘anyone’ or keeping it private for only a few to see.
In that struggling process my husband said this to me,
“if you were to write a book, would you always know who purchased and read it or would it just be a mystery who had access to your words?”
Very good question and definitely something to think about.
When one writes a book there is no control over who buys it.
For days I struggled with the openness of writing.
Writing has always been a place of healing for me.
Sometimes I would draw in addition to the words formed.
Feeling that God was leading me to the place of writing and sharing I also questioned the safety.
Exposure means: lack of shelter or protection.
Disclosing something private or secret in a presentation of an open public manner.
Public appearance… presents itself as exposure.
It is taking my private thoughts or words and placing them for all to see.
My prayer has always been for this to minister to others and be a form of encouragement.
I do think if I keep writing that will happen at some point in time.
But oh it feels so open and raw and vulnerable and very similar to the first visit to a doctor’s office when you have never met them.
We would like to tell them ‘what they want to hear’ knowing full well in time they will see and understand the real truth of why we came in for a visit.
In the next few blog posts I am going to continue this topic.
It has stirred me and given me a ‘definite’ something to think about.
by Sharon O | Sep 24, 2013 | Uncategorized
There are many things happening right now and if I let my heart feel them all
I think I would go to sleep for few days and just zone out.
What does it feel like to let your heart fully ‘hurt’?
Loss has been this months theme.
One after another in one form or the other.
I am not able to process it all.
It will take time.
I still miss my smudge cat.
The other day I browsed through craigslist for cats and even dogs.
It is not time yet. Not now and maybe not ever.
This is the first time in 34 years that we have never had a cat.
I look at Emma my red Australian cattle dog who is 14 and I know
I will lose her too.
She is probably more noticed now since she is the only one we have.
Her nails are too long, her hair needs brushed. She could use some flea treatment.
Her teeth are almost gone. She is old.
AND I am…
Still trying to process the loss of my dad.
I have a picture of him on the refrigerator wearing red suspenders with a matching red hat.
It makes me always think of papa smurf.
A cowboy papa.
My goal is to get a picture of his boots, his hat and maybe a few other things.
I will miss him always. We were not ‘close’ but he was still my dad.
Then my sister who I have taken care of for many years
has decided she doesn’t need my help anymore.
Her story has been told here in this blog and other places.
It is a meaningful story of life and love and sisterhood.
It is over.
Very similar to a divorce.
I must walk away and hope for the best and know in my heart it won’t be.
There are many things these days smacking me hard.
It feels a lot like a bad dream.
Only this one is real.
What does it feel like to allow yourself to cry and yell and get mad?
I don’t know.
I suppose it’s a good question for all of us to ask.
by Sharon O | Sep 24, 2013 | Uncategorized
Have you ever been in an encouraging group?
I love this new facebook group I was invited to join.
They have many groups for many women through the (in)courage website.
We are senior women with life after 50 homes.
It is a good place to be.
I will look forward to meeting the ladies and write them encouraging notes.
In this busy crazy world we live in it is always good to connect with others.
by Sharon O | Sep 23, 2013 | Uncategorized
I have always loved this song.
In the big picture the only one we can totally rely on is God.
He is faithful and loving.
I praise him and I pray you can too.
Life is hard and we really need to cling to the one who can hold us and keep us safe.
by Sharon O | Sep 20, 2013 | Uncategorized
My dad passed away in the early morning hours. They said it was peaceful. Good bye dad.
