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There are many things happening right now and if I let my heart feel them all
I think I would go to sleep for few days and just zone out.
What does it feel like to let your heart fully ‘hurt’?
Loss has been this months theme.
One after another in one form or the other.
I am not able to process it all.
It will take time.
I still miss my smudge cat.
The other day I browsed through craigslist for cats and even dogs.
It is not time yet. Not now and maybe not ever.
This is the first time in 34 years that we have never had a cat.
I look at Emma my red Australian cattle dog who is 14 and I know
I will lose her too.
She is probably more noticed now since she is the only one we have.
Her nails are too long, her hair needs brushed. She could use some flea treatment.
Her teeth are almost gone. She is old.
AND I am…
Still trying to process the loss of my dad.
I have a picture of him on the refrigerator wearing red suspenders with a matching red hat.
It makes me always think of papa smurf.
A cowboy papa.
My goal is to get a picture of his boots, his hat and maybe a few other things.
I will miss him always. We were not ‘close’ but he was still my dad.
Then my sister who I have taken care of for many years
has decided she doesn’t need my help anymore.
Her story has been told here in this blog and other places.
It is a meaningful story of life and love and sisterhood.
It is over.
Very similar to a divorce.
I must walk away and hope for the best and know in my heart it won’t be.
There are many things these days smacking me hard.
It feels a lot like a bad dream.
Only this one is real.
What does it feel like to allow yourself to cry and yell and get mad?
I don’t know.
I suppose it’s a good question for all of us to ask.