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Yesterday was October 8th, four months from

Yesterday was October 8th, four months from the day my sister died.
It is a strange and empty place in my heart, to have her missing.
My husband lost his brother many years ago, he was 36 years old and a heart patient.
That was a sudden death and sudden heart ache for us all.
It was a deep loss and I remember the tears and the sorrow.
My sister has been ill with liver issues and serious drinking problems.
I am not sure what she actually died from, I have heard it was lung cancer and liver failure.
She truly was a walking miracle as her body had been through so much pain and abuse.
Four months ago she left this place for a better peaceful place.
I believe in my heart she believed in the Lord.
I didn’t get to pray with her, and I wasn’t able to see her.
But I did pray in my spirit for her, and I know she was a good kind person most of the time.
It has been a sense of mine that because of our move in April and then her death in June, my desire for writing has been put on hold.
Not to stop writing, just a pause.
A quiet place of reflecting and renewing; slowing the thoughts and the ideas down.
You know; even Jesus went away for a quiet place to restore his spirit.
It is a time for grief.
It is honoring to give yourself those moments to remember, to think and to pray.
We don’t always have to be doing something. We can pause. Renew. Refresh, and restore.
Not long after her death we found a long lost cousin on an ancestry site.
It is an amazing gift to me and my other sister as she fits right in and feels like a sister.
She will always be in our lives and it is such an interesting timing for her to be here with us, right after our sister died.
The Lord takes away, and the Lord gives back.
Her husband is a blessing too, they are wonderful, delightful people and sometimes; I do feel that God restores our broken hearts by bringing others to us.
I feel blessed to know them and have them a part of our family now.
Yesterday was the four month reminder of the loss of my sister.
I will say goodbye and then hello; and move through this new phase of our lives with ‘a new’ kindred spirit sister and brother.

I am in our trailer at the beach on a rainy day

I am in our trailer at the beach on a rainy day.
Typical Oregon weather, one day sunny and clear, the next one stormy and cold.
It is not a downpour but a constant heavy mist with a chill in the air.
Actually quite lovely if you appreciate the coast here.
It is quiet, I am alone and in my space.
I am enjoying the time to relax, read a magazine, or book and just not do anything.
We all need to take the time to do this kind of rest.
I miss my kitties and often wonder what they are doing while we are gone, Molly was very funny when we were getting ready to leave, I had opened our bedroom door.
Usually they don’t belong in there but when we are gone; I cover the quilts up with a sheet and then let them sleep on top of the bed, with the hopes that they won’t beat on our bedroom door while we are gone.
As we were getting ready to leave I called her, and she was no where. I called more and no sign of her, my husband called and nothing. We hoped she had not gotten outside as she is only inside.
No sign of Molly. Finally I went into our room and felt around the top of our bed and she was under the sheet and curled among the pillows. NOT where she is supposed to be.
As we got in the car I laughed at her trying desperately to hide.
She could hear us calling but she ignored it all. Hoping to be able to stay in her warm comfy spot.
Isn’t that a life lesson for us? Often the Lord will call us, nudge us, look for us and we hide.
Our comfort level doesn’t want to change.
Only until I physically found her and moved her did she leave that warm spot.
The Lord does that to us too often forcing us in a new direction whether we want one or not.
We drove away and I was still chuckling at that sneaky cat and my husband said, “you know that probably wasn’t the first time she has slept in that cozy spot.”
So true. She was so good at burrowing in without a mess I had no idea that’s where she was hiding.

I lost my dad six years ago

I lost my dad six years ago.
Facebook reminded me on September 20th, he passed away.
It was a different kind of loss, I guess I can say the second time he left.
The first time was when I was four. I was just a little one and he left for many years and I didn’t see him until my thirties.
It was a strange thing to grow up without a dad and without a little girl ‘dad’ voice in her head.
I don’t remember ever having him say words of affirmation to me.
I could never say, “what would dad say?” because I didn’t know.
Having him missing left a hole that I couldn’t ever heal. Until I met the Lord.
We have a song that we sing in church called, “You’re a good, good father” and YES I sing it with a personal heart tug.
It validates who I am, as a daughter and as a daughter of the Lord.
It heals those wounded parts of me that were left unnoticed and unhealed for years.
Therapy helped. Having a male therapist helped. But that is not the same as your ‘daddy’.
When he came back into our lives we were kind of close. Not the warm fuzzy close, but he would come visit me.
I enjoyed his company. I thought we were a lot alike even though I was not raised by him, we were related.
Losing my dad, six years ago closed a chapter of my life, then losing my mom a year later closed another chapter.
Losing my sister recently closed another one.
The book full of life experiences and trauma is closed too. The Lord healed me.
In many ways I believe my dad was a good father, even though I missed so many years without him.
He was who he was and I accepted him just as he was, later on he would remarry our mom and when they both died they were together in heart.
It’s a strange story of healing and restoration. Of forgiveness and of love.
Isn’t it just like our ‘God of love’ to restore what was broken and heal what was lost?

When I lost my sister it was really hard

When I lost my sister it was really hard to grasp emotionally.
In fact I am still working through the reality that she is gone, fully and truly gone.
That in this life I will not ever see her again. She has been gone almost three months.
Loss is not an easy topic.
In our society if a family member dies and someone works at a job, they are entitled up to three bereavement days. Some company’s may allow more; but they don’t have to allow any.
I may not be saying all this right but my point is we don’t allow time for a broken heart.
When a loved one passes away there is really no time for grieving because life goes on.
It doesn’t stop for tears or sadness; it presses forward and expects you, ‘the one who is grieving’ to press forward too.
My sister had been sick for many years with an addictive personality; she learned survival early on and did what she could to manage her ‘self’ which often meant medicating.
When her husband died she was moved into a care setting which actually was a safe place for her and a place of protection.
She lived relatively healthy until about a year ago, then she fell and the care home could no longer give her what she needed.
She became even more ill and more unable to breathe and eat; and I imagine it was a bit scary for her. None of us want to face our own death even in the best environments.
None of us knows what it will be like for us at the end of our life when the end comes.
We can pray and hope and know that our heart condition is right.
We can allow others to care for us when we can’t do it ourselves.
It is a releasing and letting go.
When I lost my sister I honestly can say, I lost a piece of myself too.
Our history is gone. Only in memory now. I look at pictures and there is a missing person.
I will allow myself to follow the feelings and not stuff the sadness.
Loss is not easy and we make it harder when we don’t talk about it.

Have you ever had a favorite book?

Have you ever had a favorite book you love to read maybe once a year?
Years ago I discovered a book called Hinds feet on high places written by Hannah Hurnard.
It is a love story between much afraid and the Lord, her good shepherd.
It brought so much healing to me on so many levels when i read it.
I cannot hardly describe the beauty of the book.
It is an allegory [a story, poem, or picture that can be interpreted to reveal a hidden meaning, typically a moral or political one.
“Pilgrim’s Progress is an allegory of the spiritual journey”]
I have never read Pilgrims progress; but Hinds feet on high places is a spiritual journey of healing, hope and courage.
She is challenged to do things that bring fear to her and at the same time strength.
He the good shepherd gives her helpers along the way as she journeys on her path.
He explains to her the way of the high places is both dangerous and difficult; but once one arrives they find beauty and peace.
Much afraid cannot relate and allows her fearful heart and her doubt to keep her from moving in any direction. (have we NOT been in this place?)
The book tells a story of a journey.
Something that we all must go on at some point in time.
I read it with great thirst for what it was telling me and how it was teaching me.
If you ever feel the need to read something that is good and able to teach you at the same time; I challenge you to read this one.
You will find it to be a warm refreshing read, and for me it was healing on many levels.
I pray you find the time to sit, grab some tea and read a good book.