by Sharon O | Sep 16, 2013 | Uncategorized
My dad is very ill.
I sit in his hospital room and watch him labor with every breath.
His voice small and raspy as he has very little air supply.
The IV needle poked into thin arms makes me hurt just looking at it.
His skin so transparent like parchment paper bruised and blackened
I prayed the tape would not hurt him more.
His cough is deep as the infection rattles around in his chest.
Time will tell if the medications will give him a few more weeks.
We know in our hearts we are not talking about months.
We are in a waiting room.
We have been here before when my husbands mom couldn’t fight the pancreatic cancer.
We have been here before when my husbands dad couldn’t fight the heart infection.
This waiting room is different for everyone.
Some people talk and talk and talk as if to they can cover the pain of their hurting hearts.
Some people go inward and reflect on things of long ago.
I am an observer.
Stepping back and watching, recording in my mind and remembering.
When my husbands mom was on hospice and her death was becoming very close I observed and wrote what I saw so others could read it later when their hearts were ready to receive.
When my husbands dad passed away I was also observing but not recording as much.
It is a different journey for everyone.
At some point in time we will all need to spend time in this waiting room.
Much like labor when a baby is born.
The anticipation and room full of emotions vary from person to person.
The death process is something we cannot rush.
As every breath becomes more difficult and every word is whispered.
We realize a life is passing before us.
It is a giving up of oneself and giving in.
It is realizing the fight is over.
My dad is very ill and this time is precious and sacred.
Will we have the strength to say good bye?
It is a question only those of us can answer
as we remain in this waiting room.
by Sharon O | Sep 12, 2013 | Uncategorized
I remember it was morning.
It seems like it was breakfast time around nine am.
Coffee was brewing and the eggs cooking with the smell of hot toast in the air.
The station on TV was interrupted as pictures covered the screen with trauma and pain.
I stood in shock. Disbelief.
Then I called my husband at work and told him there had been attacks.
It was awful.
Devastating.
Horrible and very hard to believe.
My grand daughter was little and normally watching her little shows
but on this day I had to listen and find out what happened.
I did not turn Cat in the Hat back on
my mind could not listen to mindless chatter.
I remember again looking at the screen as the towers crumbled like tissue paper.
Tumbling down. IN a heap of dust and debris.
People running everywhere and screaming and praying and dying.
I was glad my grand daughter was little at the time and not able to comprehend
what was taking place in real time before her eyes.
I had a knot in my throat and stomach all day long.
I couldn’t help but think about people going to work as if it was a normal day.
The mom’s and dad’s speaking orders to kids who were used to doing
what was being told in the morning so they could be where they needed to be on time.
Routines taking place.
The same ones over and over every day.
Then
The clock stopped.
Time stood still and frozen.
In a heap of knarled metal and broken glass the towers fell.
People stood in silence covering their mouths and their eyes from what was before them.
I even imagine the ones who never prayed.
Prayed on this day.
It was September 11th the day the world was silent.
The day our United States was under attack.
The day we all prayed, “God please be with America.”
by Sharon O | Sep 11, 2013 | Uncategorized
by Sharon O | Sep 9, 2013 | Uncategorized
I so often don’t understand life at times.
I trust in a God who walks beside me and I also trust in a God who loves me
deeply and without question.
I trust in His character because the word of God is true and believable.
He has remained faithful as the stories of old tells us over and over.
This I believe:
He allows hard times in our lives to give us opportunity to grow
to press on and to stretch and
to prove to ourselves that we can do it.
He allows life’s consequences to give us the answer no at times
so we can in turn trust him
deeper and with much more intensity.
He allows circumstances to challenge our inner character and strength
so we can have confidence and empowerment in ourselves.
Nothing we do or nothing that happens is by accident.
Yes at times we make bad mistakes because we didn’t think.
He allows that.
Just like a parent will allow a child to fall knowing full well that
we will be there to help them up
if they allow us.
God is just like that.
He is there waiting for us and He is reaching down to help us.
But we do have to ask.
Deliberate means:
carefully weighed or considered. careful or slow in deciding.
slow and unhurried movement.
to think carefully or attentively or consult formally.
Notice how many times it says ‘careful?’.
I often don’t understand all that takes place in our lives
but one thing I do know
God does not make errors.
He is always looking out for our best interest
even when we don’t understand or like the consequences sometimes.
Faith is trusting and having confidence in God
because we know His character.
by Sharon O | Sep 7, 2013 | Uncategorized
My soul, wait in silence for God only, for my hope is from Him.
My soul, wait only upon God and silently submit to Him;
for my hope and expectation are from Him.
I must calm down and turn to God; He is my only hope.
My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him.
Patiently wait for God alone, my soul!
For He is the one who gives me confidence.
I find rest in God; only He gives me hope.
Silence
A quiet gentle place.
Stillness and peaceful.
Anticipation of rest and slowing down for my soul.
It doesn’t matter what version I read of this verse
the same promise is repeated over and over for me.
I have great assurance that I am not alone.
{do not know whose picture this is I found it on pinterest and it spoke to my heart so deeply I wanted to share it. If it belongs to anyone reading this I hope I have permission to use it.}
by Sharon O | Sep 7, 2013 | Uncategorized
Not a day goes by that I don’t miss her.
I remember how she used to sit at the top of the stairs and meow loudly looking for me.
I would say ‘Smudgie’ and head up stairs and she would run to the computer chair and wait for me.
It is very empty without her presence.
There is something about a purring warm fuzzy body next to me
as I write.
She would nudge me… and want to be petted.
She liked her treats. Just because. I didn’t worry about her weight.
The couch was a favorite place for her to sit and rest.
She loved to be right where we were sitting.
When we moved the couch out she stayed upstairs most of the time.
I missed her way before she was even gone.
My little one said to me “Smudge is in kitty heaven and she will be alright and happy.”
Yes she will be.
I am just remembering those sweet times.
Sixteen years is a long time and I wasn’t really ready to say goodbye but I did know we had no choice.
It was the right thing to do.
It doesn’t make it any easier especially when I am
remembering some moments at the end of the week.
by Sharon O | Sep 5, 2013 | Uncategorized
by Sharon O | Sep 4, 2013 | Uncategorized
Today I said good bye to my buddy.
She was my computer chair warmer.
I had to sit next to her as she wouldn’t really move if it was time for me to write.
We would share the chair.
She would purr and purr and then put her paw on my leg wanting to be petted.
She would lay her head against my ribs and just sit… with me.
She would be so patient… until it was time for me leave then she could stretch out and take the full warm chair for her sleep.
Her name was Smudge. A tortoise shell calico and her age was 16. 1997-2013
She weighed 10 pounds 6 oz today. A small old lady.
She was very loved and will be deeply missed.
When I couldn’t find her I would look on the computer chair, or the dining room chair or when we had a couch she would be on the corner of the top of the couch.
She was never outside.
Years ago I worked at an aviation company and one of the ladies there had a new batch of kittens.
I told my husband about them and about the picture she showed me.
He sort of ignored me.
I already had a large black kitty who was about age one at the time and two dogs.
He just didn’t think I would bring another one in the home.
SO he said, “you don’t need another cat”.
Really? She came home with me the next day.
She was the size of a tea cup and when he held her in his lap.
He named her Smudge.
She was as I have always said ‘MY perfect child.’
She never did anything wrong. Even in her senior years she would sometimes get sick on the floor but nothing overly terrible.
The vet said she had congestive heart failure and maybe a tumor and there was nothing he could recommend for her other than to let her pass away in peace.
He said no antibiotics would work as she was very sick.
So they gave her a calming shot and she quickly laid down on the table.
I petted her and he gave her the last ‘sleeping shot’.
It was peaceful. Incredibly hard. I petted her and cried.
I knew I had to say goodbye. Touching her for the last time.
She is peaceful now.
The house is quiet. I am deeply saddened.
It is a deep loss for me.
Good bye miss Smudge may you always know we loved you.
by Sharon O | Aug 28, 2013 | Uncategorized
If someone would have told me my heart would expand
to love more than my two children
I am not sure I would have believed them
But when those two children had three children of their own
my heart was filled to over flowing love and joy and wonderment and adoration and praise.
We started our life as grandparents with one
then one became three
then three became six and
now we are so incredibly blessed to know and love each one of them.
Each are different. Each are individual. Each are unique.
Even the twins are very different from each other.
If someone would have told us that having each one of these precious little people would add to our family in ways that we could ever imagine.
Would I have believed them? 
Would I have believed them if they told me my daughter would have three daughters
and two would be identical twins?
OR my son would have three sons?
If someone would have told me that being a grandparent is the most precious, most rewarding, most exhausting, most challenging and the most reason to pray.
Would I have believed them?
by Sharon O | Aug 20, 2013 | Uncategorized
I went to visit my parents this weekend.
Dad is stable but definitely not well.
Mom is reviving a bit.
It is strange and sad and surreal to see your parents old and needing care.
I often wonder
what will happen to me when I am that age.
Will there be foster homes who are good and take good care of seniors.
They say the new 60 is 40 and will we get younger as we age and eventually be
out of our minds before our bodies leave?
Or out of our bodies before our minds leave?
Which is worse?
To know… your legs don’t work…
Your hands don’t work.
Your ability to feed yourself is gone or even go to the restroom alone is gone.
Which is worse?
To have your mind able and your body not so strong?
Or your body able and your mind not remembering what should be?
Growing old is hard.
It is painful.
It is a walk of quiet words and gentle reminders from those who do the caring.
It is a giving when you want to not give any more.
From the care givers…
It is anger not shared… or sometimes shared when it shouldn’t be.
It is a gentle reminder that we all need compassion and caring and
patience and kindness.
When our real feelings are to scream and say, “do you not hear me?”
It is a gentle reminder for us.
That we all will be in this place someday.
And when we get there we can only hope and only pray that someone
will care enough
to speak for us when we are not able to speak for ourselves.
That there will be someone stronger in mind and spirit than our ‘situation’ and who will not be afraid to say
this is not working.
This needs to change.
I wonder… when the time comes will someone have a voice when I don’t?
It is a reasonable question.
