by Sharon O | Sep 28, 2013 | Uncategorized
A week ago I was in my bed warm with covers wrapped around me.
Not in a deep sleep but a sleep that was both comfortable and restless.
You know the kind I am talking about where your spirit is unsettled.
I remember the phone ringing and the deep sinking feeling that something must be wrong.
Always when you receive a call early in the morning you know right away it might not be a good call.
It wasn’t.
The voice on the phone telling me they were sorry but my dad was gone.
The pain in my heart was immediate but the tears were walled off.
I laid there curled up in a ball after hanging up the phone.
The conversation repeating itself in my head as I shared the news with my husband.
I had seen dad five days before and was planning on going back up to see him again.
He just couldn’t hold on any longer.
Revisiting the conversation with the vet when I took my cat in earlier this month, when he said to me,
“she will die at home if you don’t do anything now”.
She had congestive heart failure too.
My dad passed away we think in his sleep.
That is a peaceful way to leave and not as horrible as we thought it would be.
Someone with his complications struggle and suffer in a terrible way.
We don’t think he did.
I am peaceful about our visits although I didn’t talk much to him I believe he knew I was there and he knew I loved him.
My dad left us a week ago.
When we see our mom now his chair is empty.
The oxygen tank and tubes missing and the pill bottles put away.
It is strange and a bit surreal.
The heart knows the depth of sadness and loss and it also realizes he is in a better place now and he is comfortable.
It is just hard I mean really hard to say “my dad passed away and I won’t ever get the chance to share matters of the heart with him.”
Sometimes my heart is heavy and I catch myself feeling the weight of too many losses in a short amount of time.
We lost my husbands dad in May so this year has been a series of losses.
A week ago we said good bye to a dad who was special in many ways.
We will never meet someone like him ever and we will never forget him.
Good bye dad… you were loved deeply.
by Sharon O | Sep 26, 2013 | Uncategorized
The other day I received a notice from Google telling me I had new ‘readers’ on the new reader list.
It surprised me because I thought their list was shut down and closed.
I had never received a notice from them before so in my curiosity
I clicked onto the site and it showed my blog.
Then I clicked onto the reader list and there were many who I do not know, never met and do not have any idea who they are.
Both men and women were on the list and it felt strange and almost incredibly vulnerable for me.
By nature privacy is very important.
Rarely do I share deep things although in the last few years God has pursued me to open up.
Blogging is such a different process for each of us.
It is similar to a personal journal but if one opens it up to the public then it is open.
Exposed.
Perhaps even having your own personal journey unprotected.
I struggled for months over the fact of opening this to ‘anyone’ or keeping it private for only a few to see.
In that struggling process my husband said this to me,
“if you were to write a book, would you always know who purchased and read it or would it just be a mystery who had access to your words?”
Very good question and definitely something to think about.
When one writes a book there is no control over who buys it.
For days I struggled with the openness of writing.
Writing has always been a place of healing for me.
Sometimes I would draw in addition to the words formed.
Feeling that God was leading me to the place of writing and sharing I also questioned the safety.
Exposure means: lack of shelter or protection.
Disclosing something private or secret in a presentation of an open public manner.
Public appearance… presents itself as exposure.
It is taking my private thoughts or words and placing them for all to see.
My prayer has always been for this to minister to others and be a form of encouragement.
I do think if I keep writing that will happen at some point in time.
But oh it feels so open and raw and vulnerable and very similar to the first visit to a doctor’s office when you have never met them.
We would like to tell them ‘what they want to hear’ knowing full well in time they will see and understand the real truth of why we came in for a visit.
In the next few blog posts I am going to continue this topic.
It has stirred me and given me a ‘definite’ something to think about.
by Sharon O | Sep 24, 2013 | Uncategorized
There are many things happening right now and if I let my heart feel them all
I think I would go to sleep for few days and just zone out.
What does it feel like to let your heart fully ‘hurt’?
Loss has been this months theme.
One after another in one form or the other.
I am not able to process it all.
It will take time.
I still miss my smudge cat.
The other day I browsed through craigslist for cats and even dogs.
It is not time yet. Not now and maybe not ever.
This is the first time in 34 years that we have never had a cat.
I look at Emma my red Australian cattle dog who is 14 and I know
I will lose her too.
She is probably more noticed now since she is the only one we have.
Her nails are too long, her hair needs brushed. She could use some flea treatment.
Her teeth are almost gone. She is old.
AND I am…
Still trying to process the loss of my dad.
I have a picture of him on the refrigerator wearing red suspenders with a matching red hat.
It makes me always think of papa smurf.
A cowboy papa.
My goal is to get a picture of his boots, his hat and maybe a few other things.
I will miss him always. We were not ‘close’ but he was still my dad.
Then my sister who I have taken care of for many years
has decided she doesn’t need my help anymore.
Her story has been told here in this blog and other places.
It is a meaningful story of life and love and sisterhood.
It is over.
Very similar to a divorce.
I must walk away and hope for the best and know in my heart it won’t be.
There are many things these days smacking me hard.
It feels a lot like a bad dream.
Only this one is real.
What does it feel like to allow yourself to cry and yell and get mad?
I don’t know.
I suppose it’s a good question for all of us to ask.
by Sharon O | Sep 24, 2013 | Uncategorized
Have you ever been in an encouraging group?
I love this new facebook group I was invited to join.
They have many groups for many women through the (in)courage website.
We are senior women with life after 50 homes.
It is a good place to be.
I will look forward to meeting the ladies and write them encouraging notes.
In this busy crazy world we live in it is always good to connect with others.
by Sharon O | Sep 23, 2013 | Uncategorized
I have always loved this song.
In the big picture the only one we can totally rely on is God.
He is faithful and loving.
I praise him and I pray you can too.
Life is hard and we really need to cling to the one who can hold us and keep us safe.
by Sharon O | Sep 20, 2013 | Uncategorized
My dad passed away in the early morning hours. They said it was peaceful. Good bye dad.
by Sharon O | Sep 16, 2013 | Uncategorized
My dad is very ill.
I sit in his hospital room and watch him labor with every breath.
His voice small and raspy as he has very little air supply.
The IV needle poked into thin arms makes me hurt just looking at it.
His skin so transparent like parchment paper bruised and blackened
I prayed the tape would not hurt him more.
His cough is deep as the infection rattles around in his chest.
Time will tell if the medications will give him a few more weeks.
We know in our hearts we are not talking about months.
We are in a waiting room.
We have been here before when my husbands mom couldn’t fight the pancreatic cancer.
We have been here before when my husbands dad couldn’t fight the heart infection.
This waiting room is different for everyone.
Some people talk and talk and talk as if to they can cover the pain of their hurting hearts.
Some people go inward and reflect on things of long ago.
I am an observer.
Stepping back and watching, recording in my mind and remembering.
When my husbands mom was on hospice and her death was becoming very close I observed and wrote what I saw so others could read it later when their hearts were ready to receive.
When my husbands dad passed away I was also observing but not recording as much.
It is a different journey for everyone.
At some point in time we will all need to spend time in this waiting room.
Much like labor when a baby is born.
The anticipation and room full of emotions vary from person to person.
The death process is something we cannot rush.
As every breath becomes more difficult and every word is whispered.
We realize a life is passing before us.
It is a giving up of oneself and giving in.
It is realizing the fight is over.
My dad is very ill and this time is precious and sacred.
Will we have the strength to say good bye?
It is a question only those of us can answer
as we remain in this waiting room.
by Sharon O | Sep 12, 2013 | Uncategorized
I remember it was morning.
It seems like it was breakfast time around nine am.
Coffee was brewing and the eggs cooking with the smell of hot toast in the air.
The station on TV was interrupted as pictures covered the screen with trauma and pain.
I stood in shock. Disbelief.
Then I called my husband at work and told him there had been attacks.
It was awful.
Devastating.
Horrible and very hard to believe.
My grand daughter was little and normally watching her little shows
but on this day I had to listen and find out what happened.
I did not turn Cat in the Hat back on
my mind could not listen to mindless chatter.
I remember again looking at the screen as the towers crumbled like tissue paper.
Tumbling down. IN a heap of dust and debris.
People running everywhere and screaming and praying and dying.
I was glad my grand daughter was little at the time and not able to comprehend
what was taking place in real time before her eyes.
I had a knot in my throat and stomach all day long.
I couldn’t help but think about people going to work as if it was a normal day.
The mom’s and dad’s speaking orders to kids who were used to doing
what was being told in the morning so they could be where they needed to be on time.
Routines taking place.
The same ones over and over every day.
Then
The clock stopped.
Time stood still and frozen.
In a heap of knarled metal and broken glass the towers fell.
People stood in silence covering their mouths and their eyes from what was before them.
I even imagine the ones who never prayed.
Prayed on this day.
It was September 11th the day the world was silent.
The day our United States was under attack.
The day we all prayed, “God please be with America.”
by Sharon O | Sep 11, 2013 | Uncategorized
by Sharon O | Sep 9, 2013 | Uncategorized
I so often don’t understand life at times.
I trust in a God who walks beside me and I also trust in a God who loves me
deeply and without question.
I trust in His character because the word of God is true and believable.
He has remained faithful as the stories of old tells us over and over.
This I believe:
He allows hard times in our lives to give us opportunity to grow
to press on and to stretch and
to prove to ourselves that we can do it.
He allows life’s consequences to give us the answer no at times
so we can in turn trust him
deeper and with much more intensity.
He allows circumstances to challenge our inner character and strength
so we can have confidence and empowerment in ourselves.
Nothing we do or nothing that happens is by accident.
Yes at times we make bad mistakes because we didn’t think.
He allows that.
Just like a parent will allow a child to fall knowing full well that
we will be there to help them up
if they allow us.
God is just like that.
He is there waiting for us and He is reaching down to help us.
But we do have to ask.
Deliberate means:
carefully weighed or considered. careful or slow in deciding.
slow and unhurried movement.
to think carefully or attentively or consult formally.
Notice how many times it says ‘careful?’.
I often don’t understand all that takes place in our lives
but one thing I do know
God does not make errors.
He is always looking out for our best interest
even when we don’t understand or like the consequences sometimes.
Faith is trusting and having confidence in God
because we know His character.
