by Sharon O | Apr 21, 2013 | Uncategorized
It is strange to not have dad O around here anymore.
I look at his pictures on the wall as well as the ones of mom with him and it seems so different now.
A lifetime ago.
A family history ‘changed’ forever.
The legacy ended other than what we can pass on.
In the blink of an eye the family changed.
The passing of time and memories continue.
Many families go through this but for us it is new.
My husband said to me,
“It feels strange to have no parents. I am kind of like an orphan.”
That would indeed feel odd.
My own mother is changing at a rapid rate and is almost failing to thrive.
Someday she will give up all together and that will be a sign for us the end is near.
I am sad for her.
Many things about her make me sad.
She has not been well for a few years now.
Her dementia and her Parkinson’s diagnosis has created a person
who is not able to be who she used to be.
If you have read my blog at all you know that I have had a blend of mixed emotions concerning my mother.
Time has allowed me to see her as a frail senior lady
who needs compassion and kindness very similar to the ones I helped many times in the pharmacy where I worked.
I don’t see the ‘bad’ mom or the one who made such confusing decisions for her family.
She is fragile in health and mind she is also aging and helpless.
My dad is also failing.
He has leukemia, diabetes, copd, and has to be on oxygen most of the time now.
His stamina is low and his spirit a bit cranky.
He is not who he used to be either.
They both have lost so much as time moved them forward.
For most of my life I didn’t know him.
In my adult life it has been a relationship of small talk and walls.
He rarely gets real with anyone.
She is not able to do that either.
So reflecting back is a hard thing for me.
The memories are not warm or sweet fuzzy ones.
They are blurred.
I don’t remember a close relationship with her ever.
And he has made it difficult to have one with him too.
I asked my counselor one time how will it be for me when they leave.
He said with tears in his eyes,
“You will miss what you never have known.”
Dad O was a dad to me and I miss him because I knew him.
He cared for my heart and my spirit.
Reflecting back on a loss is hard sometimes but it is also
healing to remember the good about someone.
Do you ever spend time reflecting about people in your life?
It is just a little something to think about today.
by Sharon O | Apr 16, 2013 | Uncategorized
In loving memory of a dad and grand father ~
Saturday we had the official graveside service for dad O and then we went to the church for a small lunch following that we had the memorial service for him.
The local veterans of foreign wars assigned about eight men to stand near the flag and his picture.
It was interesting as they each took turns to salute him and then stand during the service.
It was not distracting or disruptive.
It was meaningful and special to have him honored as a military man.
He served and did it with a servants heart.
His life was shared by many and his life was honored by many too.
Saying good bye is hard but we do know he is in heaven with his bride of almost 61 years.
He is with his son and other family members who went before him.
We will miss him always.
He left a legacy and he made an impact on everyone he met.
We say good bye for now.
Until someday we meet again.
by Sharon O | Apr 14, 2013 | Uncategorized
Our grand daughters at the beach.
Wonderful picture to share as I am joining Deidra on jumping tandem and the Sunday community.
by Sharon O | Apr 13, 2013 | Uncategorized
This week I had what I would call one of my first panic attacks.
I have felt something like it before but not at a speed of fifty five miles per hour driving down a road with dilated eyes.
I had spend two hours in a eye doctor’s office where he did testing and testing and then more testing.
Not expecting to spend so long I went there with a small amount of breakfast and one cup of coffee thinking I would finish my ‘meal’ when I got home.
That did not happen.
After all the testing he said “are you going anywhere?”
I said no I am just heading for home.
Then he put drops in my eyes to dilate them for one more test.
He found a small amount of pressure in my eyes of which he could not figure out the reason why.
When it was time to leave and head for home I felt a wave of intensity as I was watching the world go around me in a whirl.
Taking driving to a whole new level I felt the need to get off the road as fast as I could.
I pulled into a JC Penney’s parking lot and went into the store.
Walking around as if in a dazed state and wondering if I looked normal or not I made casual talk with the young lady who kept asking me if I needed help.
(I thought to myself what help I need you can’t give me)
After what seemed like a good thirty minutes I got back into my car and began to drive again.
Like a rush of wind the panic came back again.
I rolled down my car window, turned off the radio and felt I had to get off the road before a bad wreck happened.
Pulling off into an RV sales place I sat in the car for another fifteen minutes.
I breathed deep breaths and talked to myself trying everything I could to calm my panic down.
It finally felt safe to begin to drive again.
I do not remember half the drive home.
It was very nice to finally arrive in my driveway.
The fourteen mile drive was intense and filled with great anxiety.
Will not ever do that again any time in the near future.
The new glasses look good and the soup I made for lunch tasted great.
I acquired a new sense of gratitude for being home in a safe place.
If this was my first panic attack it was not fun or entertaining.
It scared me and it filled me with anxiety.
I also have a new sense of the dangers of driving after a long morning of testing too.
by Sharon O | Apr 7, 2013 | Uncategorized
A black walnut and an English walnut
A definite sign of two living in one
A strong and ageless tree
Amazing picture taken by my daughter Sarah.
“That by two immutable
(unchangeable and changeless-
unchanging through time. unalterable, ageless) things
in which it is impossible for God to lie,
we may have a strong encouragement,
who have fled for refuge to lay hold of the hope set before us.”
Hebrews 6:18
(I saw this as a powerful example for us to see the divided line we all live within ourselves.)
I love word pictures God so often gives us.
Joining Deidra on jumping tandem with the Sunday community.
by Sharon O | Apr 6, 2013 | Uncategorized
Write for five minutes without editing and then publish with no looking back.
I will try once more to do this challenge the weeks word is ‘After’.
 |
| After
After the day was over
and we heard the news that he was gone
it was hard.
It was peaceful.
It was strange.
It was a surreal moment for everyone.
what do you say and how does one react?
some in tears.
some just numb.
We stood in the room with no sound between us.
Just silence.
Then a few made phone calls telling others it was over.
We thanked the nurses and the doctors and papers were signed.
I am one who lingers a bit.
I am also one who wonders where they will take him and how.
my mind races with many questions and yes I can’t answer any of them.
It is perfectly right and reasonable to grieve a loss of a loved one.
I am sure those who missed Jesus did the same.
HE was gone.
He was no longer the one they followed.
He had promised them life everlasting and hope and a future
and it was over. finalized and ended.
They could not see or understand that the end was the beginning of a promise.
We miss our dad who we loved just as the followers missed Jesus.
We know dad is in a peaceful place and we also know for now
Jesus is there.
Can you even imagine?
Standing next to him.
Sitting close and perhaps listening to his words and his voice and his vision.
We wish for that now sometimes.
We wish for dad to return but really we wouldn’t want him to return.
He is with his loved one, mom and his oldest son and that is good.
What we do after it is over is a choice we all make.
We can be bitter and angry or we can be filled with peace and comfort.
It ultimately is our choice.
——
End of writing.
I have to say after the writing was over I really don’t believe anyone in our family is bitter or angry over dad’s passing.
We miss him a lot.
Anytime there is a death there is always many emotions that go with the news.
I was just writing and perhaps for some those feelings are true depending on the circumstance and timing of a loved ones death. |
by Sharon O | Apr 4, 2013 | Uncategorized
So often when we loose a loved one
throughout the day we remember special things about them.
The way they walked, or laughed, or said prayers, or sang.
We remember with sadness and also with love in our heart
because of who they were and how much they meant to us.
We wish so much we could hear their voice again or look into their eyes or take them for a drive.
We remember and keep those memories close to us.
It is all a part of saying goodbye to someone we love.
I was wondering during the Easter season if the ones who loved Jesus felt the same way.
They walked with him. They shared meals with him.
They heard his laugh and his concerns, heard his prayers and experienced his power.
They knew without a shadow of a doubt he could heal or change the seas or speak demons away from ones who were tormented.
They didn’t always understand or believe him at the time but they knew
he had the potential to change things as he often did when it was necessary.
They knew and experienced who he was and I am sure
when the last week of his life came and went
like those of us who have lost a loved one
I imagine they walked the streets in shock.
How could he be with us one day and then be gone?
It is a normal question and very real and rational.
Jesus tried to warn them but they could not really understand what he was telling them.
On the day they saw the rulers take him away and beat him and then they saw him on the cross
it perhaps began to make sense but then they also saw him die.
It was over.
They had heard the women weeping at the foot of the cross.
Hope had turned into hopeless and they were left empty without a purpose.
Their grief and disbelief became a vital part of the story for them.
Many of them had left family and jobs to follow him and now they had nothing.
I am sure in the dark of the night they remembered his words.
They remembered his tenderness.
They remembered his love for them.
They could hear his voice and how he said their name.
In the quiet of the moments it is when we spend time remembering
the many things about those who we love when they leave us.
I was just wondering during the Easter season about so many things.
It’s kind of like that when we remember.
by Sharon O | Mar 29, 2013 | Uncategorized
ON This Easter week…
I pray we can stand before the crosses and raise our hands…
IN worship.
It is because of the cross we have hope.
It is because of the cross we have peace.
It is because of the cross we have life to the fullest.
Only through the cross we have life eternal everlasting and on going.
Thank you God…
for loving us so much that you gave your only son.
A SON you loved so much…
SO that when we believe in you and Him.
We will not die forever we will have ever lasting life.
Thank you God.
John 3:16
by Sharon O | Mar 27, 2013 | Uncategorized
On Sunday we said good bye for a final time to my husbands dad.
He was a dad to all of us.
He was 90 years and six months old exactly.
His heart was tired and it was time to go home.
It has been a journey since mom died three year ago.
She wanted the ‘children’ to take care of him and they did their best to do that and honor her wish.
He was loved by many who knew him.
He left a legacy of life and hope and compassion and most of all
a love for His God.
He met mom and married her then they had five boys and a daughter then years later they had the joy of meeting many grand children and one great grand child.
They almost made it to 61 years of marriage.
At first it was really hard for him when she left I think it made him feel kind of lost and even a little alone.
They were together on many levels and it was a difficult change for him when she passed.
We said good bye for a final time here on earth but we know that someday we will hear him say.
“what took you so long I have been waiting for you”.
Dad O you were loved and respected and we will always remember you and miss the times we spent with you.
You are finally together in a wonderful reunion …
on palm Sunday 2013.
by Sharon O | Mar 25, 2013 | Uncategorized
I have given birth to two children.
In each experience there was stretching and churning and contracting and breathing.
It was all a part of bringing life to these children.
It is the preparing of the body for the passing of newness from the inside to the out.
It is hour by hour and then minute to minute.
For some it is a long wait, for others it comes quickly.
I have also been in the presence of two people dying.
The same happens when one is leaving from this world to the next.
Each movement of stretching and churning important to the final moments of passing away.
The process is not too different than the process of birth.
Each agonizing hour passes as one hopes and prays for the final end.
Life comes after the breathing and the pushing takes place and
the words form from physicians lips, “you are ready to deliver”.
Death is the same process.
Death comes with contractions and breathing in and out as the body tires of the process and gives up and the love one is told,
“you can go home now”.
The beginning and the end are opposite forces with different results.
The journey into life and the journey out of it is the same.
The lungs expand as life is pushed towards us.
The lungs expand as life is removed from us.
Breath is all a part of it.
When one is pronounced alive the breath is checked and the vitals are recorded
and the words are spoken,”life is here”.
When one is pronounced dead the breath is monitored and the vitals are recorded
and the words are spoken, “it is over”.
It is all about the breath.
The inhaling and the exhaling saturating the lungs causing them to expand as they pour oxygen into the one arriving.
The process of dying is the opposite.
It is the shutting down and the slowing of one laboring to leave.
We watch for color in the skin and signs of change.
It is all about the breath.
Expectant mom’s are instructed to breathe through the contractions so the pain is minimized.
The dying one does the same.
The body knows and the anticipation and anxiety of leaving is minimized with medication.
One is told to work hard and push it through.
One is calmed and kept comfortable as the end nears for the one passing.
Each journey is so similar yet so very different.
Life and death.
It is all about the breath.
