It is strange to not have dad O around here anymore.
I look at his pictures on the wall as well as the ones of mom with him and it seems so different now.
A lifetime ago.
A family history ‘changed’ forever.
The legacy ended other than what we can pass on.
In the blink of an eye the family changed.
The passing of time and memories continue.
Many families go through this but for us it is new.
My husband said to me,
“It feels strange to have no parents. I am kind of like an orphan.”
That would indeed feel odd.
My own mother is changing at a rapid rate and is almost failing to thrive.
Someday she will give up all together and that will be a sign for us the end is near.
I am sad for her.
Many things about her make me sad.
She has not been well for a few years now.
Her dementia and her Parkinson’s diagnosis has created a person
who is not able to be who she used to be.
If you have read my blog at all you know that I have had a blend of mixed emotions concerning my mother.
Time has allowed me to see her as a frail senior lady
who needs compassion and kindness very similar to the ones I helped many times in the pharmacy where I worked.
I don’t see the ‘bad’ mom or the one who made such confusing decisions for her family.
She is fragile in health and mind she is also aging and helpless.
My dad is also failing.
He has leukemia, diabetes, copd, and has to be on oxygen most of the time now.
His stamina is low and his spirit a bit cranky.
He is not who he used to be either.
They both have lost so much as time moved them forward.
For most of my life I didn’t know him.
In my adult life it has been a relationship of small talk and walls.
He rarely gets real with anyone.
She is not able to do that either.
So reflecting back is a hard thing for me.
The memories are not warm or sweet fuzzy ones.
They are blurred.
I don’t remember a close relationship with her ever.
And he has made it difficult to have one with him too.
I asked my counselor one time how will it be for me when they leave.
He said with tears in his eyes,
“You will miss what you never have known.”
Dad O was a dad to me and I miss him because I knew him.
He cared for my heart and my spirit.
Reflecting back on a loss is hard sometimes but it is also
healing to remember the good about someone.
Do you ever spend time reflecting about people in your life?
It is just a little something to think about today.