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Let’s be real

by | May 12, 2012 | Uncategorized

Forgive: to grant pardon to (a person). 
to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one’s enemies.
With Mothers day and Fathers day just ahead of us 
a deep question has been circling my heart and my spirit and it has been with me for many years. 
As I have matured as a believer this question has always remained a mystery to me.
How does one forgive a parent who fell into the role of being a parent 
through your birth 
but could not and would not take responsibility 
to do it well? 
Children have no choice but to live in the home where they were born into. 
Not everyone was raised in a Little house on the Prairie or Walton home. 
Some children have lived in ‘horrible’ scenes which would warrant them to be removed from the home that they knew. 
Other children stayed under the radar of protective custody and continued to live under the 
emotional and physical abuse by the family members who hurt them.
It is never the fault of the child when adults chose to do harmful things.
Children can live and actually survive when it is only a house with four walls covered by a roof
but with no real relationships inside those walls.
Let’s be real honest for a moment.
Mothers day and Fathers day are not ‘hallmark’ moments for a lot of these children.
Parents make bad choices and continue to make bad choices when they don’t choose to learn
the fundamental issues of being an adult.
Unless one is searching and seeking there are no instructions given to someone 
who find themselves in the role of being a new parent. 
The adult no matter how old they are is always the one responsible.
Schools will often teach how to prevent making children not what to do or how to act when it happens.
One can become a parent at a very early age and in nine short months a person is radically changed from a non parent to a parent status.
Some people take this very seriously and others do not.
Most new parents are not aware of what to do with a new little person in their home.
There isn’t even a card that reads: “this is who you should call…if you have questions or need advise”.
They learn how to transition into a mother and a father role in the hours and days and months to follow
with little training and little encouragement.
It is my belief that being a parent is one of the few ‘tests’ of real selfishness.
Nothing can prepare you to become a patient parent 
at two am when the screaming won’t stop or the diapers won’t end. 
No class tells you how frustrating it is when laundry is piling up and 
all you want to do is cry.
No class ever trains you how to push past the fatigue 
when all you want to do is take a long nap.
Did you ever take a drivers ed class? 
Remember when they went into full details of what car wrecks will look like if one doesn’t be careful.
Remember when they went into full details of how drunk driving hurts all those who are involved.
They required you to know the rules and regulations and what would happen if you failed
those rules. 
No one told you what would happen if you didn’t take care of your child 
emotionally, physically and spiritually.  
There were no classes that graded your ability to look beyond yourself and 
test your rate of selfishness.
Nothing can prepare you.
No class ever trains you about the exhaustion of being a parent.
It is dangerous to place an innocent child into the hands of someone who does not get it. 
Most of us didn’t get it right away 
but we did our best to learn our new reality. 
That babies need fed, bathed and nurtured 24 hours a day and 
if you do get a small break you are one of the fortunate ones.
No class ever trains you on how to stay mature and focused and 
not be distracted or selfish when caring for a little one.
I will go further and say no class ever trains you on what to say 
when your little one looks up and asks you, 
“am I pretty or special or do you love me?” 
A mature parent will move into that role easily and say to them 
“of course I love you, of course you are beautiful, of course you are very special to me.” 
Some parents can never do that.
Never. 
There is no bank of  emotional encouragement that they can withdraw from 
for another.
There is no “I love you this much” … in their hearts.
They begin as a new parent disengaged and they stay that way.
Perhaps they love somewhere in their hearts. 
Perhaps they only love themselves.
For those who are ‘grown up now’ and who were were raised in these kind of homes
mothers day and fathers day are one of the most difficult holidays for them.
They do not make cards that say: 
“Thank you for the broken heart, it’s taken me years to get over it.”
Or “Thank you for giving me reasons to spend many years in therapy trying to heal from my wounds.”
Or “I am finally realizing that it never was about me… it was about you and your inability to love me”.
They do not make cards that are meant for those parents
who could never and would never 
give the unconditional love that all children deserve.

For the adult child who never lived on Walton’s mountain or little house on the prairie valley 
this is a difficult holiday.
They find themselves standing in the card section of a hallmark store with tears falling down their frozen cheeks and they wonder ‘what it would be like to have the other story’ as a reality.
There are no cards for their life experiences.
On this Mothers day can we remember as we look around in church or other settings
that not all families are equal.
Some families didn’t have the mom and dad and 2.5 children.
Some families only had a dad raising little ones alone.
Some families only had a mom raising little ones alone.
Some families had grandparents raising little children alone.
Let’s be real and realize that not every family is a hallmark ‘movie’ family.
Let’s be real and be ready to give someone a hug on Mothers day
we won’t ever know where their heart really is unless they tell us.

Today we remember

by | May 8, 2012 | Uncategorized

We remember the day we said goodbye to our mom O.
Two years ago the day before mothers day
she left us to go ‘be with the Lord’.
For over two years she fought pancreatic cancer consenting to have major surgery which required a difficult recovery in her 80’s then she added into the equation chemo then a new diagnosis of diabetes.
Each step along the way she had faith that she might win the fight as she did years ago when she had breast cancer surgery.
When she finally realized the disease was progressing to the end stage she agreed to sign up for hospice.
My husband and his family watched their mother deal with the horrible disease of cancer.
It was bitter sweet.
In the beginning some moments were good when they could talk about matters of the heart.
Then other moments later were very difficult as they watched her slow down and move closer to the direction of heaven.
We knew where she was going and she even told us, ‘the angels were nearby waiting to take her home’.
We remember when we sang songs to her and said goodbye.
We miss her often.

We loved her much.
We remember her always… our mom O.
{mom and dad O with Abby their dog}

God’s peace

by | May 6, 2012 | Uncategorized

“Do not worry about anything, but pray and ask God for everything you need, always giving thanks.
And God’s peace, which is so great we cannot understand it, will keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:6-7

 Joining Deidra on jumping tandem on Sundays.
{photo by Pamela from Oregon}

To Hope

by | May 3, 2012 | Uncategorized

Always be ready to answer everyone who asks you to explain about the hope you have.
~ 1 Peter 3:15, {new century version} ~
The hope you have.
Dictionary.com says that hope means:
the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.
a particular instance of feeling as in the hope of winning.
a person or thing in which expectations are centered.
something that is hoped for.
to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.
to have a wish.
to trust, expect, or believe.
In the Psalms it talks about hope.
Psalm 16:9
So I rejoice and am glad. Even my body has hope.
Psalm 19:14
I hope my words and thoughts please you. Lord, you are my rock, the one who saves me.
Psalm 25:21
My hope is in you, so may goodness and honesty guard me.
Psalm 31:24
All you who put your hope in the Lord be strong and brave.
Psalm 33:20
So our hope is in the Lord. He is our help, our shield to protect us.
Psalm 33:22
Lord, show your love to us as we put our hope in you.
Psalm 39:7
So, Lord, what hope do I have? you are my hope.
Psalm 62:5
I find rest in God; only he gives me hope.
Psalm 71:5
Lord, you are my hope. Lord, I have trusted you since I was young.
Psalm  71:14
But I will always have hope and will praise you more and more.
Psalm 119:114
You are my hiding place and my shield; I hope in your word.
Psalm 119: 147
I wake up early in the morning and cry out. I hope in your word.

As you can see hope is found over and over in the bible.
There are many more examples not shared in this writing it would be a great word study to do when time allows it.
The point is:
Following up on my last few writings.
I have been doing a lot of thinking and it feels to me
that to trust, to risk, or to love is equal to hope.
For when we hope for something it is a good feeling and it is positive, it is with great anticipation and it is also relational.
In our walk with each other we learn to trust within relationships,
we also learn to risk and to love and that can be hard to do when hurt has been a theme for us.
Then finally we learn to hope.
I think it has to be the last for some of us.
In the end what really matters is our ability to:

Always be ready to answer everyone who asks you to explain about the hope you have.
~ 1 Peter 3:15

  

Love Is

by | Apr 29, 2012 | Uncategorized

 Love is patient and kind. 
 Love is not jealous, it does not brag, and it is not proud. 
 Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not get upset with others. 
 Love does not count up wrongs that have been done. 
 Love takes no pleasure in evil but rejoices over the truth.  
 Love patiently accepts all things. 
 It always trusts, always hopes, and always endures.

 Love never ends.

 1st Corinthians 13:4-8 new century version

Joining Deidra on jumping tandem on Sundays ~
{using our ‘favorite beach’ picture}

To Love

by | Apr 26, 2012 | Uncategorized

The day was miserably cold and rainy
Winnie the Pooh would say it was a blustery day.
It also was a Saturday the day before Easter which most of the time means we may or may not be shopping for dinner and gifts for Easter baskets depending on the family plans.
When it storms like that either you hunker down and find a good book, warm fire and hot tea
or you sit by the windows and just watch it till it goes away.
I remember when he said to me “let’s go to the beach” I looked outside and answered back “are you kidding?”
When I go to the beach my desire is to walk as we listen to the waves, walk more and just bask in the warmth of the sun.
We might grab a travel chair, coffee from a thermos along with a few snacks knowing that Oregon beaches are often cool but very nice and relaxing on most occasions.
This was a storm day and the beach was an hour and 45 minutes away and I was not really in the mood to sit in the car while we drove that long during an intense rain storm.
It didn’t feel like fun or safe to me.
He persisted with the question.
“Want to go to the beach?”
No I really didn’t.
I could see his face and look of disappointment and so I agreed
to ‘go for a drive’.
The rain pounded on our car.
The wind rocked it.
I kept saying, “Why are we going to the beach today?”
He answered back,
“It’s an adventure dear just relax and let me drive.”
The rain storm moved into a hail storm and I remained quiet.
The drive seemed longer than usual.
The only sound we heard was the pea sized hail pounding ferociously against the metal roof of the car.
When we finally arrived at the beach safely I was greatly relieved.
The beach was windy and cold.
Not the kind of weather one would purposely drive or walk out in.
He took my hand and said, “let’s walk.”
By this time my patience was becoming very thin and I did not want to walk in the rain.
I walked with a heart not willing blended with a bad attitude.
After about 15 minutes of walking he stopped and said,
“let’s sit down.”
As I began to sit on a cold and wet log I noticed him kneeling in the sand.
My curiosity peaked and I thought to myself,
“Is he having a heart attack?”
He reached into his pocket and had something in his hand.
He said to me “When we were young and I asked you to marry me, neither one of us knew what that meant”
I am listening now and wondering what he is up to.
“I wanted to create a new memory so when our grand children ask you how it happened you will have a story that has meaning and purpose.”
I continued to listen as the rain dripped down the hood of my coat against my face.
As he moved into a kneeling position on one knee I was thinking to myself, “he is going to get stuck and I will have to call for emergency help” then I watched him pull out a box and I heard him say to me,
 “Will you marry?”
As he showed me what he was holding in his hand.
There was a diamond band inside the box.

I was in shock and had no words.
WE had already made it 34 years and we had children and grand children now.
Many years ago we were young ‘teenagers’ saying our vows to each other.
Will you take this man to love for the rest of your life?
Could anyone know what that means at age 18?
To love. 
I said Yes to love one more time on that rainy day at the beach.
Everyday I remember when I wear my diamond band 

that love is forged through storms that shake us to the core. 
Storms rattle us and rock us and 
dampen our plans at times.
Storms make us cold and uncomfortable and 
we don’t appreciate them
until a sunny day comes along.
It was appropriate to begin again 
in the middle of a mighty storm.
To love each other through those times
is like a rainbow that appears after the storm passes.
I said Yes to love when I didn’t fully understand the reason
the first time as a young bride.
I said Yes to love when I did understand the reason
the second time as an older bride.
I said Yes to love the day before Easter 
a day for changed hearts and lives renewed 
with a new appreciation of what it really means to love. 
(we have been married 38 years now and we still love the storms at the beach)

Friendship

by | Apr 22, 2012 | Uncategorized

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched.
They must be felt with the heart.
Helen Keller


Have you ever had a special friend who you just love to sit with and enjoy tea and special conversations?
Sharing the heart to heart talking that goes with that kind of relationship?
The most beautiful thing is knowing ‘a friend loves and cares for you’ no matter what you say or do.
It goes along with the risking and the trusting and allowing someone to enter into your world. 
Friendship is a gift we can give ourselves.
Are you ready to give today?

Joining Deidra on Sunday at jumping tandem.

To trust

by | Apr 19, 2012 | Uncategorized

Last week as I was reading other online blogs there seemed to be a theme running through many of them.
It made me pause and do some deep thinking.
Generally when a message is repeated it is a lesson to be learned for a reason.
It felt as if God was trying to show me something through others.
The theme was about trust.
Intrigued by the meaning of trust I looked it up at dictionary.com and it said that trust is:
. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

. confident expectation of something; hope.
. a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust.
. the condition of one to whom something has been entrusted.
Growing up in an environment that was often unpredictable and non relational I learned early on to be very cautious with ‘trust’ issues. 
I did not trust easily and still to this day tend to pull back and observe rather than trust fully.
Therapy helped if you can imagine a non trusting person sitting in a room with a person who is asking them ‘to trust’.
It was one of the most difficult things for me to learn.
After going through a half dozen counselors I found one who understood my thought process and who also understood that cautious trust was what I had to have near me at all times.
He understood that he could not just say to me ‘Trust me’ he had to prove to me he was trustworthy. 
He was very patient and understanding.
It was a journey we ‘both knew’ had to take place in order for real healing to happen.
It was not an easy or simple process for us.
We worked hard together to build the foundation of trust so the painful feelings about the way I grew up could come out and the healing of my heart could take place.
On paper I could write them in poetry or story or drawing form.
It was not easy for words to describe the pictures that were frozen in time.
The pen in hand did not always show the depth of hurt but the imagery using my written words helped. 
Slowly I had to begin to trust and allow the walls surrounding and protecting my heart down.
They could not be blasted down. 
They had to be removed inch by inch.
With the reassurance that my counselor would always be there trust began to happen.
He tried to be available whenever I needed him and returned my calls as soon as he could.
He would often tell me, “I will never leave you…unless I die… if that happens there is nothing I can do.”
I often would pray he wouldn’t because I couldn’t bear another ‘deep’ loss to my heart.
The theme lately has been trust and my question to God is why?
In the midst of my dad being very sick and some relationships showing some changes.
It feels like I am being asked one more time to trust.
God is my trust and I must stand firm in the knowing ‘only He knows the reason why’ the message keeps coming to me.
What do you do when you realize a theme is taking place ~ do you listen and take heed or do you choose to ignore it?

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