by Sharon O | May 1, 2018 | Uncategorized
After my last writing I asked my husband what he thought about it.
I wasn’t sure where to go next, since the writings about the family story has ended; and I didn’t have a clear new direction.
He said with great enthusiasm and firmness, “That is the way I like to see you write. You do your best when you write from your heart.”
I have tried to write honestly while gently opening up some of the hurt and pain of growing up.
It is a challenge to paint the pictures with words so that those who are reading can sense or feel the scenes in a very real way.
Recently I have joined a professional writer’s group and one of the comments they said is this,
“If you have been given a message from God you can’t bless anyone if you don’t speak it.”
That was such an encouragement for me.
It was like a tall glass of refreshing water on a hot day.
I want to write and feel that it has been a gift given to me, but at the same time I don’t want to keep repeating the same stories over and over.
It is my heart’s desire to share life with the readers who choose to read in this space.
The writer’s group said, “you have been asked to share your message, so how are you going to do it?”
What a challenging question. To write within a conversation with those who are reading.
Telling a story that brings not only a ray of hope in a world that doesn’t offer it and also a vision of life changing truth.
The writer’s group said, “This is why it matters. When you write with your real authentic self, when you have fun with your words and be yourself, you will have readers that will return over and over.”
That is my hope. To tell the stories from my perspective, without causing harm.
If it’s real, and raw and close to your heart, the sharing will come natural.
That is my prayer.
“Never be ashamed of a scar, it simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.”
by Sharon O | Apr 28, 2018 | Uncategorized
Now that I have shared part of my story, I think it let’s the reader know a little more about me.
The other idea I have come to terms with lately is the aspect of DNA… and connection.
My husband and I did a test that let’s a person know their DNA and where the family tree fits.
It is very interesting to see how generations of ‘family’ traveled to different regions.
It also shows the make-up of their heritage. For instance we are Irish, Scottish and some German.
With a little bit of other people groups thrown in there.
My husband’s family is made up of other people group’s much different than we thought, it is very fascinating to look at the data.
When I first met my dad, I was amazed as was my husband, how much I was like him.
Not being raised by him, not seeing him every day, I still had mannerisms and character traits that were very similar to his, even a bit of his humor.
We were related because of genetics and I was my dad’s daughter on many levels.
My husband and I often would joke about how stubborn I was, or how determined.
But it was another confirmation of ‘dad’ that I carried within me.
His ‘strong’ will and determination, took him to many places with different results.
I have often heard of stories of twins who were separated at birth, yet when they found each other they had made very similar ‘life patterns and choices.’
Genetics play a huge role in that.
I guess we can say the same ‘concept’ could apply to God as our ‘spiritual’ father; since we are uniquely made in his image with his ‘heart’ print placed upon us.
In Psalm 139 the words say: ”
[13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.]
Isn’t it both amazing and wonderful to see and understand the genetic aspect of who we are?
I find it interesting and not only that, I find it to be a wonderful confirmation for me.
God knew us before we were even a tiny thought in our parents eyes and heart.
He formed us, and knitted us together to be the unique person we were to become.
That is definitely ‘something to think about.’
by Sharon O | Apr 24, 2018 | Uncategorized
Finishing the story of my parents and their lives together.
After dad passed away there was to be no service, he didn’t want one.
So we grieved in our own way.
Mom continued to get worse in the foster home they lived in, lot’s of times when one spouse passes away the other one is not far behind them; especially if they are older.
She had Parkinson’s and it created a lot of difficulty for her.
Not being able to dress yourself, do bathroom duties, or feed yourself, is a great loss.
She also lost her voice. It was just a very soft whisper and very hard to hear what she wanted to say.
The disease is not kind to the person who has it. It is progressive and damaging to the whole body.
She managed for a short season without dad, then it just was too much for her.
She passed away about a year or so after him.
For the first time, we were without both parents.
Their story was over when they passed away, although it is still a story to be told for the grand children.
I believe dad knew he could not take care of her since he had severe breathing and heart problems.
They started out in their own home, then moved to a variety of apartments and eventually a foster home.
Each move was hard on both of them for it brought the reality of needed care close to home.
As they aged; they both needed care. Although he would not ‘let others’ do anything for him, he wanted her to be cared for and that was part of the decision to move.
Having them pass away was a strange and different ending for me.
It was a closure that was hard and healing at the same time.
Letting go of the wounds of the past and moving forward to a place of peace.
That is what I want to leave in this writing.
There is peace within the grief.
I know in my heart they loved each other to the end and that is the rest of the story.
by Sharon O | Apr 20, 2018 | Uncategorized
God does not allow things in our past as an accident, HE desires us to use our past for a better purpose in the future.
When I tell my story about being a daughter without a dad, I know without a doubt there are others listening who can say; “Yes” me too.
It is an identifying connection.
I am glad my parents got together in their aging years and stayed true to each other.
Did it discount the years they were not together?
Absolutely not. But it did heal some of those years for them.
The last time I saw my dad, he was in a hospital bed resting.
He had been very ill and we were not sure how long we would actually have with him.
I kind of felt in my heart it would be my last time seeing him.
He was resting and perhaps sleeping, and I didn’t want to bother him.
Sort of the theme for us, he didn’t bother me very much and I didn’t bother him.
Looking back I could have done some things differently.
I also know my dad was a stubborn old cowboy and didn’t allow others to edge in his space, he was private and also careful of his ‘thoughts or feelings’.
At least that is my experience.
Only a few times did I hear him say, “love ya” … while giving me a hug.
I couldn’t quite take it in and I didn’t really know what to do with it.
The little girl who was always watching and waiting for some ‘connection’, just couldn’t fit the puzzle pieces together.
(Yes I was an adult but the lessons of the past do affect us even if we heal them.)
It is my belief that if we don’t allow deep healing; it will follow us till we take the time to heal those wounded places. It is not easy but very necessary.
I did forgive my dad in my own way. Even if… I never understood why he left.
I wanted to move past the question and stay within the truth of what I knew.
He came back. They remarried. They grew old together. (found this photo hope it’s ok to use it)
It was a love story that was both confusing and healing.
I am very glad I saw him in his aging years so I didn’t have to keep guessing how he was.
It allowed me to do closure. When he passed away the story was over and it was good.
What I know for sure, HE loved… the only way he knew how.
It was limited and it was guarded.
We had an understanding between us and it was peaceful and calm.
I am my father’s daughter. I was loved from a distance and I think for now that is ok.
I will always count those times spent together as a wonderful memory
When we lived in the country there was a season in time where he would come visit us.
It was both good and strange to see him drive up the driveway.
I also have the letters that he sent, the cards in his hand writing, as very special and I will always miss him. He was dad. My dad. Our dad and grandpa to my children.
by Sharon O | Apr 18, 2018 | Uncategorized
The long lasting impact of a hurting heart is protection and internal decisions.
When our dad left we were left to fend for ourselves in whatever way that might mean for us.
Growing up without a dad was hard, I grew up with no male ‘opinions’, no daddy affirmations or words of praise.
Now to be fair if he had stayed I might not have heard those words from him either; but having him gone left it as a known emptiness.
I could not fill in the blanks and the only words I heard; were from our mother which was not often very helpful or encouraging.
As a young person growing up I did not feel valued or even wanted at times.
There were grandparents who cared, even that was pretty limited.
Oh our mother loved us, but her inability to share that was really hard on a child’s heart that is already broken.
I navigated through the pre-teen and teen years and the growing up without a dad’s internal voice in my head and heart.
I determined in my heart that I would stay protected and walled off so that no other pain could enter.
That only worked for a short amount of time, till something deeper came along.
It has always been a daddy wound for me, to not have him present at my wedding, or children’s birth or times when I was very sick and wanted him near.
He was gone and absent and I had to navigate life as a daughter without a dad.
We did end up meeting in my living room when I was in my mid thirties.
I was cautious and careful tiptoeing around conversations and topics. It was like a dream I could never allow myself to think about.
He was a nice man, I am sure looking back at it now, it was probably hard on him too; to meet after so many years.
I don’t know if he felt bad for leaving, I guess I either thought it wasn’t important or perhaps; I didn’t want to hear the reason why, so I never asked him.
After all the years lost between us it really didn’t matter.
He was present in our lives for many years as an older dad. He even remarried our mother.
It was a love between them that never left, and strange as the story is, they remained
married and I think happy, well into their 80’s, dependent on each other till death parted them as it says in the wedding vows.
It is a very interesting story and very important too.
I grew up without my dad’s love. I didn’t feel it, learn it or receive it.
For a daughter that is a big void. Even as an adult I never had his ‘input’ in my life.
I guess that is one of the reasons when I sing the song in church, “your a good good father,” it brings me to tears.
For I can sing it with a knowing… that the song is true and real, God has been good to me.
I am able to put my hand on my heart and sing, “your a good good father, that’s who you are, and I’m loved by you, that’s who I am.”
My identity and dna is my dad’s daughter. My spiritual identity is the father’s daughter.
This is my story and the reason why I write.
by Sharon O | Apr 17, 2018 | Uncategorized
Continuing the story of past to present, when a child is left to sort out their feelings alone because of their lack of ‘maturity’, sometimes they come to the wrong conclusions.
For a long time I questioned, was it something I did, or was it my fault that he couldn’t stay with us?
Later in my ‘recovery’ I learned that it was a choice, just as all of us have, he made the choice and it didn’t really have anything to do with the children.
But when you are a little child, you don’t have that ‘resource’ within you.
When I first entered into a recovery room with a counselor we talked about the feelings which I had a very hard time finding.
One day I was walking in a mall and in a store I found a picture that expressed my heart.
I picked it up and paid for it, then carried that large picture out to my car.
I even took it into the counseling office to show my counselor, the artist is Laurie Snow hein, and I hope it’s ok to share it here.
It was reminding me of the little girl … waiting and waiting… looking out the window.
Watching and wondering, would he come home to us? Did he even think about or miss us?
For years I never knew if I would know him if I saw him on a street or in a store.
I was little, and I had no ‘memory’ of so much of who he was in our lives.
Each of us have stories of what we remember. Each of us were at different ages.
I remember very little for I was the youngest.
The only thing I knew for sure deep in my heart, the dad ‘hole’ was not ever filled for many years and even when I met him as an adult, it was cautious and careful.
Remember: to give up; discontinue; withdraw from: is a powerful message given to a child.
The message I heard whether it be true or not, was ‘I was not important enough’.
That was the message burned in my heart.
Remember it was a powerful shock leaving life long effects and it did effect how I saw life, and relationships.
The little girl waited and hoped and either she would be continually disappointed or she would give up looking. I got to where I lost hope.
There is a bible verse that says; hope deferred makes a heart faint.
I had a faint heart for many years.
He wasn’t coming back and we had to navigate and learn our new ‘life’ with our mom.
We had grandparents who helped and thank God for that.
Although they didn’t really help me sort out the feelings and questions.
As I move through the story I pray it be a journey of hope and healing.
I am not sharing any of this to bad talk our dad or our mother.
I am only telling the story as it unfolded so others can understand the message.
by Sharon O | Apr 15, 2018 | Uncategorized
Telling the story again for the new readers so that they are aware of why I write and continue to challenge those who need ‘help’ to find it.
For many years as an adult I have been in a recovery type of season, either in a group setting or individual counseling sessions.
It took health issues, some depression, and spiritual renewal to show me I needed to look backward before I could look forward.
We grow best when we allow the truth to show us the broken pieces of our hearts.
As a little girl growing up I was not really aware of some of the broken places in my heart, I just tried my best to survive in the world we lived in.
Life began in a rural part of Eastern Oregon, with a mom and dad and two older sisters. There were plenty of cats and other animals for we lived on a farm part of the time.
It seemed pretty normal … until it didn’t.
Our dad was a farm hand, tending to many things, always wearing jeans and western shirts, cowboy hat and boots (at least that is in my memory).
He loved music and they often would go square dancing on the weekends, I think it was in the school gym or a building with wood floors.
Us little kids would go and even though I don’t remember much about it, we would watch and play or sleep till the night was over and it was time to go home.
Life seemed pretty good and relatively happy.
Then one day when I was around age five, our dad left us.
One day he was there, and the next day he wasn’t.
It was traumatic and shocking for all of us.
When I look up the word trauma dictionary.com says: {psychologically painful.
a powerful shock that may have long-lasting effects.}
This is exactly what took place.
Long lasting effects on a heart and spirit of a child.
Abandonment is not an easy topic. {to give up; discontinue; withdraw from: to leave completely and finally; desert: to abandon one’s farm; to abandon a child}
We were at that moment in time, abandoned by our dad.
I am not sure why and don’t want to know; he is not with us any more; he passed away a few years ago, even as an old man I never asked him.
Our reality had changed and as time moved forward many things would change for us.
We had a mom, who also felt very abandoned and a dad who was missing and as little children we didn’t know how to navigate the thoughts and feelings.
There was no one to help us and the questions and tears were ours to sort out alone.
It was our truth. So when I say I have a trauma filled childhood, it started when our dad left us and left our hearts hurting for something real and loving.
The story continues as I move through the why I write and tell the story.
by Sharon O | Apr 10, 2018 | Uncategorized
Being brave while challenging myself is not the easiest thing I can do when writing in this space.
Dictionary.com says: brave means to meet or face courageously: a warrior. exhibiting courage.
To share from one’s heart and share where you have been hurt takes a lot of courage.
This blog began in 2009 with private writings and settings. It was never meant to be open.
It was only for a chosen few; kind of like a personal diary and definitely not shared with everyone.
One day my husband said to me, “if you wrote a book would you know who purchased it?”, of course I would not; so the challenge came for me from him, to open it up to the general public and be brave.
As a private person by nature it was very hard to have others read my writings.
It felt vulnerable. It felt weird and exposed to me. The question came, “what if they don’t like it or I’m not believed?”
These are hard questions to solve when everything inside me said, “It’s not really for sharing.”
As I moved out of the recovery process of ‘childhood trauma’, I began to feel more open to sharing some of what I had experienced and what formed me in those earlier years.
It is never easy to share one’s vulnerable self to others especially, when you don’t know how well it would be received.
As a survivor of ‘a broken home’, one learns to read body language and tone of voice.
If I let myself fret over who is going to read the writings then I hurt my chance to write ‘openly’.
As time moved forward I have chosen to tell my story in bits and pieces, carefully choosing the words.
It is important to know the reason why I want to tell, it’s not just for the purpose of sharing.
Sometimes truth can be left alone and buried.
Sometimes it is never helpful to share things from the past.
My thought is this: If my story can help ONE person move forward towards their own healing place.
Then it is worth it, to take the risk.
We can only help those who we have an identity with; when I meet survivors of some kind of trauma I immediately know… ‘yes, I understand’ because I really do.
Listening is a gift, empathy is also.
To be able to walk alongside someone who is broken and to be able to say to them, “I see wholeness in you”
it’s kind of like being a verbal cheerleader.
In the next few writings I will open up a little bit of life as I knew it.
I hope you will follow along and walk this journey with me.
by Sharon O | Apr 6, 2018 | Uncategorized
The time for reflection continues even though it’s the week after Easter.
Our church on Sunday saw many get baptized and many gave their lives to Jesus for the first time.
It’s amazing and wonderful to see the excitement and growth within our church.
There are a lot of people who I don’t know or recognize anymore but that is fine I don’t have to know them.
I think because the world is so crazy these days people want to know the peace that only Jesus can give.
Plus our church has been focusing on prayer and priorities and looking for a place to settle in.
The miracles keep taking place. We were able to rent a school which six months ago was not possible.
Also we were able to find and put money and paperwork on a building that can be remodeled in a year or so.
It will be our permanent building.
Our church is 20 years old and it’s time to put some permanent roots down.
The community supports us and we support them.
It is a win/win situation and it will be so exciting to see how it all plays out.
Our pastor has grown and the staff is doing what is necessary to keep him rested and ready to serve.
It is exciting to be a part of a body of believers who are not playing church but rather learning to be more spiritual and walk deeper in the faith.
God is real. God is powerful. We have seen and experienced His power and blessings.
I wonder where are you today in a walk with the Lord? Belief is so easy. Trust is too.
All it takes is a heart desire to know without a shadow of doubt that God is who He said He is and His love was poured out to us on Easter because there was no other way.
He knew it would end well. He also knew it had to be hard and harsh.
It was love that gave us Hope.
I pray that you know today, what you believe and what you know to be true.
God loved us so much that HE gave His only son, so that we (whoever believes in Him) might have life forever.
That is a pretty awesome promise.
by Sharon O | Apr 3, 2018 | Uncategorized
[36 While they were still talking about this, Jesus himself stood among them and said to them, “Peace be with you.”
(These were the disciples who were in a room, hiding from the leaders of the day afraid they would be crucified too because they knew Jesus.)
37 They were startled and frightened, thinking they saw a ghost.
38 He said to them, “Why are you troubled, and why do doubts rise in your minds?
39 Look at my hands and my feet. It is I myself! Touch me and see; a ghost does not have flesh and bones, as you see I have.”
40 When he had said this, he showed them his hands and feet.
41 And while they still did not believe it because of joy and amazement, he asked them, “Do you have anything here to eat?”
42 They gave him a piece of broiled fish, 43 and he took it and ate it in their presence.
44 He said to them, “This is what I told you while I was still with you: Everything must be fulfilled that is written about me in the Law of Moses, the Prophets and the Psalms.”
45 Then he opened their minds so they could understand the Scriptures.
46 He told them, “This is what is written: The Messiah will suffer and rise from the dead on the third day,
47 and repentance for the forgiveness of sins will be preached in his name to all nations, beginning at Jerusalem.
48 You are witnesses of these things.
49 I am going to send you what my Father has promised; but stay in the city until you have been clothed with power from on high.”]
HE startled them. Can you imagine all of a sudden he is in the room? He appeared out of nowhere.
Wow I cannot imagine that moment when they looked and realized it was HIM the Messiah.
So exciting and yet so necessary for them to see him and keep his truth in their hearts.
[50 When he had led them out to the vicinity of Bethany, he lifted up his hands and blessed them.
51 While he was blessing them, he left them and was taken up into heaven.
52 Then they worshiped him and returned to Jerusalem with great joy.
53 And they stayed continually at the temple, praising God.]
He was taken up into heaven. I wonder how that looked? we cannot imagine it.
WE cannot see it for ourselves and even the most creative writer couldn’t put into words the powerful moment that must have been for them to be a part of as he was lifted up into heaven.
Resurrection and life. Jesus was alive and the rest of the story is here with us to this day until he returns again. Many scriptures tell us about that time and the events that might take place.
It is all recorded and written and only in God’s perfect timing will it take place.
Just like the birth Jesus at Christmas time, orchestrated by God, the death was the same and the resurrection and someday the return of Jesus. It is all in God’s perfect timing.
