by Sharon O | Apr 28, 2018 | Uncategorized
Now that I have shared part of my story, I think it let’s the reader know a little more about me.
The other idea I have come to terms with lately is the aspect of DNA… and connection.
My husband and I did a test that let’s a person know their DNA and where the family tree fits.
It is very interesting to see how generations of ‘family’ traveled to different regions.
It also shows the make-up of their heritage. For instance we are Irish, Scottish and some German.
With a little bit of other people groups thrown in there.
My husband’s family is made up of other people group’s much different than we thought, it is very fascinating to look at the data.
When I first met my dad, I was amazed as was my husband, how much I was like him.
Not being raised by him, not seeing him every day, I still had mannerisms and character traits that were very similar to his, even a bit of his humor.
We were related because of genetics and I was my dad’s daughter on many levels.
My husband and I often would joke about how stubborn I was, or how determined.
But it was another confirmation of ‘dad’ that I carried within me.
His ‘strong’ will and determination, took him to many places with different results.
I have often heard of stories of twins who were separated at birth, yet when they found each other they had made very similar ‘life patterns and choices.’
Genetics play a huge role in that.
I guess we can say the same ‘concept’ could apply to God as our ‘spiritual’ father; since we are uniquely made in his image with his ‘heart’ print placed upon us.
In Psalm 139 the words say: ”
[13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.]
Isn’t it both amazing and wonderful to see and understand the genetic aspect of who we are?
I find it interesting and not only that, I find it to be a wonderful confirmation for me.
God knew us before we were even a tiny thought in our parents eyes and heart.
He formed us, and knitted us together to be the unique person we were to become.
That is definitely ‘something to think about.’
by Sharon O | Apr 24, 2018 | Uncategorized
Finishing the story of my parents and their lives together.
After dad passed away there was to be no service, he didn’t want one.
So we grieved in our own way.
Mom continued to get worse in the foster home they lived in, lot’s of times when one spouse passes away the other one is not far behind them; especially if they are older.
She had Parkinson’s and it created a lot of difficulty for her.
Not being able to dress yourself, do bathroom duties, or feed yourself, is a great loss.
She also lost her voice. It was just a very soft whisper and very hard to hear what she wanted to say.
The disease is not kind to the person who has it. It is progressive and damaging to the whole body.
She managed for a short season without dad, then it just was too much for her.
She passed away about a year or so after him.
For the first time, we were without both parents.
Their story was over when they passed away, although it is still a story to be told for the grand children.
I believe dad knew he could not take care of her since he had severe breathing and heart problems.
They started out in their own home, then moved to a variety of apartments and eventually a foster home.
Each move was hard on both of them for it brought the reality of needed care close to home.
As they aged; they both needed care. Although he would not ‘let others’ do anything for him, he wanted her to be cared for and that was part of the decision to move.
Having them pass away was a strange and different ending for me.
It was a closure that was hard and healing at the same time.
Letting go of the wounds of the past and moving forward to a place of peace.
That is what I want to leave in this writing.
There is peace within the grief.
I know in my heart they loved each other to the end and that is the rest of the story.
by Sharon O | Apr 20, 2018 | Uncategorized
God does not allow things in our past as an accident, HE desires us to use our past for a better purpose in the future.
When I tell my story about being a daughter without a dad, I know without a doubt there are others listening who can say; “Yes” me too.
It is an identifying connection.
I am glad my parents got together in their aging years and stayed true to each other.
Did it discount the years they were not together?
Absolutely not. But it did heal some of those years for them.
The last time I saw my dad, he was in a hospital bed resting.
He had been very ill and we were not sure how long we would actually have with him.
I kind of felt in my heart it would be my last time seeing him.
He was resting and perhaps sleeping, and I didn’t want to bother him.
Sort of the theme for us, he didn’t bother me very much and I didn’t bother him.
Looking back I could have done some things differently.
I also know my dad was a stubborn old cowboy and didn’t allow others to edge in his space, he was private and also careful of his ‘thoughts or feelings’.
At least that is my experience.
Only a few times did I hear him say, “love ya” … while giving me a hug.
I couldn’t quite take it in and I didn’t really know what to do with it.
The little girl who was always watching and waiting for some ‘connection’, just couldn’t fit the puzzle pieces together.
(Yes I was an adult but the lessons of the past do affect us even if we heal them.)
It is my belief that if we don’t allow deep healing; it will follow us till we take the time to heal those wounded places. It is not easy but very necessary.
I did forgive my dad in my own way. Even if… I never understood why he left.
I wanted to move past the question and stay within the truth of what I knew.
He came back. They remarried. They grew old together. (found this photo hope it’s ok to use it)
It was a love story that was both confusing and healing.
I am very glad I saw him in his aging years so I didn’t have to keep guessing how he was.
It allowed me to do closure. When he passed away the story was over and it was good.
What I know for sure, HE loved… the only way he knew how.
It was limited and it was guarded.
We had an understanding between us and it was peaceful and calm.
I am my father’s daughter. I was loved from a distance and I think for now that is ok.
I will always count those times spent together as a wonderful memory
When we lived in the country there was a season in time where he would come visit us.
It was both good and strange to see him drive up the driveway.
I also have the letters that he sent, the cards in his hand writing, as very special and I will always miss him. He was dad. My dad. Our dad and grandpa to my children.
by Sharon O | Apr 18, 2018 | Uncategorized
The long lasting impact of a hurting heart is protection and internal decisions.
When our dad left we were left to fend for ourselves in whatever way that might mean for us.
Growing up without a dad was hard, I grew up with no male ‘opinions’, no daddy affirmations or words of praise.
Now to be fair if he had stayed I might not have heard those words from him either; but having him gone left it as a known emptiness.
I could not fill in the blanks and the only words I heard; were from our mother which was not often very helpful or encouraging.
As a young person growing up I did not feel valued or even wanted at times.
There were grandparents who cared, even that was pretty limited.
Oh our mother loved us, but her inability to share that was really hard on a child’s heart that is already broken.
I navigated through the pre-teen and teen years and the growing up without a dad’s internal voice in my head and heart.
I determined in my heart that I would stay protected and walled off so that no other pain could enter.
That only worked for a short amount of time, till something deeper came along.
It has always been a daddy wound for me, to not have him present at my wedding, or children’s birth or times when I was very sick and wanted him near.
He was gone and absent and I had to navigate life as a daughter without a dad.
We did end up meeting in my living room when I was in my mid thirties.
I was cautious and careful tiptoeing around conversations and topics. It was like a dream I could never allow myself to think about.
He was a nice man, I am sure looking back at it now, it was probably hard on him too; to meet after so many years.
I don’t know if he felt bad for leaving, I guess I either thought it wasn’t important or perhaps; I didn’t want to hear the reason why, so I never asked him.
After all the years lost between us it really didn’t matter.
He was present in our lives for many years as an older dad. He even remarried our mother.
It was a love between them that never left, and strange as the story is, they remained
married and I think happy, well into their 80’s, dependent on each other till death parted them as it says in the wedding vows.
It is a very interesting story and very important too.
I grew up without my dad’s love. I didn’t feel it, learn it or receive it.
For a daughter that is a big void. Even as an adult I never had his ‘input’ in my life.
I guess that is one of the reasons when I sing the song in church, “your a good good father,” it brings me to tears.
For I can sing it with a knowing… that the song is true and real, God has been good to me.
I am able to put my hand on my heart and sing, “your a good good father, that’s who you are, and I’m loved by you, that’s who I am.”
My identity and dna is my dad’s daughter. My spiritual identity is the father’s daughter.
This is my story and the reason why I write.
by Sharon O | Apr 17, 2018 | Uncategorized
Continuing the story of past to present, when a child is left to sort out their feelings alone because of their lack of ‘maturity’, sometimes they come to the wrong conclusions.
For a long time I questioned, was it something I did, or was it my fault that he couldn’t stay with us?
Later in my ‘recovery’ I learned that it was a choice, just as all of us have, he made the choice and it didn’t really have anything to do with the children.
But when you are a little child, you don’t have that ‘resource’ within you.
When I first entered into a recovery room with a counselor we talked about the feelings which I had a very hard time finding.
One day I was walking in a mall and in a store I found a picture that expressed my heart.
I picked it up and paid for it, then carried that large picture out to my car.
I even took it into the counseling office to show my counselor, the artist is Laurie Snow hein, and I hope it’s ok to share it here.
It was reminding me of the little girl … waiting and waiting… looking out the window.
Watching and wondering, would he come home to us? Did he even think about or miss us?
For years I never knew if I would know him if I saw him on a street or in a store.
I was little, and I had no ‘memory’ of so much of who he was in our lives.
Each of us have stories of what we remember. Each of us were at different ages.
I remember very little for I was the youngest.
The only thing I knew for sure deep in my heart, the dad ‘hole’ was not ever filled for many years and even when I met him as an adult, it was cautious and careful.
Remember: to give up; discontinue; withdraw from: is a powerful message given to a child.
The message I heard whether it be true or not, was ‘I was not important enough’.
That was the message burned in my heart.
Remember it was a powerful shock leaving life long effects and it did effect how I saw life, and relationships.
The little girl waited and hoped and either she would be continually disappointed or she would give up looking. I got to where I lost hope.
There is a bible verse that says; hope deferred makes a heart faint.
I had a faint heart for many years.
He wasn’t coming back and we had to navigate and learn our new ‘life’ with our mom.
We had grandparents who helped and thank God for that.
Although they didn’t really help me sort out the feelings and questions.
As I move through the story I pray it be a journey of hope and healing.
I am not sharing any of this to bad talk our dad or our mother.
I am only telling the story as it unfolded so others can understand the message.
by Sharon O | Apr 15, 2018 | Uncategorized
Telling the story again for the new readers so that they are aware of why I write and continue to challenge those who need ‘help’ to find it.
For many years as an adult I have been in a recovery type of season, either in a group setting or individual counseling sessions.
It took health issues, some depression, and spiritual renewal to show me I needed to look backward before I could look forward.
We grow best when we allow the truth to show us the broken pieces of our hearts.
As a little girl growing up I was not really aware of some of the broken places in my heart, I just tried my best to survive in the world we lived in.
Life began in a rural part of Eastern Oregon, with a mom and dad and two older sisters. There were plenty of cats and other animals for we lived on a farm part of the time.
It seemed pretty normal … until it didn’t.
Our dad was a farm hand, tending to many things, always wearing jeans and western shirts, cowboy hat and boots (at least that is in my memory).
He loved music and they often would go square dancing on the weekends, I think it was in the school gym or a building with wood floors.
Us little kids would go and even though I don’t remember much about it, we would watch and play or sleep till the night was over and it was time to go home.
Life seemed pretty good and relatively happy.
Then one day when I was around age five, our dad left us.
One day he was there, and the next day he wasn’t.
It was traumatic and shocking for all of us.
When I look up the word trauma dictionary.com says: {psychologically painful.
a powerful shock that may have long-lasting effects.}
This is exactly what took place.
Long lasting effects on a heart and spirit of a child.
Abandonment is not an easy topic. {to give up; discontinue; withdraw from: to leave completely and finally; desert: to abandon one’s farm; to abandon a child}
We were at that moment in time, abandoned by our dad.
I am not sure why and don’t want to know; he is not with us any more; he passed away a few years ago, even as an old man I never asked him.
Our reality had changed and as time moved forward many things would change for us.
We had a mom, who also felt very abandoned and a dad who was missing and as little children we didn’t know how to navigate the thoughts and feelings.
There was no one to help us and the questions and tears were ours to sort out alone.
It was our truth. So when I say I have a trauma filled childhood, it started when our dad left us and left our hearts hurting for something real and loving.
The story continues as I move through the why I write and tell the story.
