Continuing the story of past to present, when a child is left to sort out their feelings alone because of their lack of ‘maturity’, sometimes they come to the wrong conclusions.
For a long time I questioned, was it something I did, or was it my fault that he couldn’t stay with us?
Later in my ‘recovery’ I learned that it was a choice, just as all of us have, he made the choice and it didn’t really have anything to do with the children.
But when you are a little child, you don’t have that ‘resource’ within you.
When I first entered into a recovery room with a counselor we talked about the feelings which I had a very hard time finding.
One day I was walking in a mall and in a store I found a picture that expressed my heart.
I picked it up and paid for it, then carried that large picture out to my car.
I even took it into the counseling office to show my counselor, the artist is Laurie Snow hein, and I hope it’s ok to share it here.
It was reminding me of the little girl … waiting and waiting… looking out the window.
Watching and wondering, would he come home to us? Did he even think about or miss us?
For years I never knew if I would know him if I saw him on a street or in a store.
I was little, and I had no ‘memory’ of so much of who he was in our lives.
Each of us have stories of what we remember. Each of us were at different ages.
I remember very little for I was the youngest.
The only thing I knew for sure deep in my heart, the dad ‘hole’ was not ever filled for many years and even when I met him as an adult, it was cautious and careful.
Remember: to give up; discontinue; withdraw from: is a powerful message given to a child.
The message I heard whether it be true or not, was ‘I was not important enough’.
That was the message burned in my heart.
Remember it was a powerful shock leaving life long effects and it did effect how I saw life, and relationships.
The little girl waited and hoped and either she would be continually disappointed or she would give up looking. I got to where I lost hope.
There is a bible verse that says; hope deferred makes a heart faint.
I had a faint heart for many years.
He wasn’t coming back and we had to navigate and learn our new ‘life’ with our mom.
We had grandparents who helped and thank God for that.
Although they didn’t really help me sort out the feelings and questions.
As I move through the story I pray it be a journey of hope and healing.
I am not sharing any of this to bad talk our dad or our mother.
I am only telling the story as it unfolded so others can understand the message.