by Sharon O | Jul 6, 2011 | Uncategorized
For those who read my blog and follow it
you know the complicated feelings I have surrounding my dad.
My dad… who has been very ill now for over three weeks.
Actually he has been ill for over 5 years doing the dance of ups and downs with good health and not.
His lungs are not working well with a diagnoses of chronic copd.
He has leukemia and diabetes and his heart is not working well either.
This last round was very hard on his heart.
Entering the hospital with a blood pressure of 218/84 and a respiratory reading at 62 it was not good. He was very close to dying.
The doctors were not sure what was wrong but they knew he had double pneumonia, and with copd that is almost like drowning. Dad was extremely ill and spent 5 days in ICU then another 5 days in a room with part of that time spent in a cardiac room.
He is 84 years old.
He has lived a very long life working on ranches, in rodeos, sheep shearing and working as the best auctioneer in the county and one of the top sheep shearers too.
He is a cowboy by nature.
I am not sure if he has ridden a horse I suppose in his younger years he did.
I remember as a little girl seeing him brand cows as the cow dogs would work right along side him.
It scared me for the cows were not enjoying the process and the dirt and the smell was often overwhelming to me.
I was under five and still remember the sounds of the yelling and ‘chaos’ corralling the cows into the shoots.
My dad is a rough and tough,”I will do it myself man.”
As we age sometimes the reality that one cannot do that anymore is a hard thing to grasp.
Oxygen is now his companion… nurses come and go and check on levels in his blood and his air.
He is not happy with all the fussing or the process of trying to keep him stable.
I have a picture of him on my refrigerator with a flannel shirt and a red knitted hat along with red suspenders.
We call it our,”Papa Smurf ” picture.
For years I never knew him.
He was an image in my mind, a figure I imagined and wondered about but never knew personally.
When we did finally meet I was in my early 30’s.
He was a shadow of me or was I a shadow of him?
I told him he had to earn the right to be my dad.
Later I received a few hand written letters from him.
I will treasure them always.
They are stored in boxes of memories so far removed from my here and now life.
I will walk down that road someday and allow myself to feel and read the words scratched out on lined paper. His writing personal to me. His words etched in my memory, “you know I am not one for showing emotion.” Perhaps that is where I learned to shut my own off.
He never saw my high school graduation or walked me down the aisle as a new bride, or held my first born son or later my daughter.
He was ‘absent’ for years.
My heart was full of questions that had no answers.
As a daughter you always want your ‘daddies’ love. As a daughter you always want to know, “do I matter to you?”
My grandma ‘his mom’ came to stay with our family one time when she was in her late 70’s or early 80’s. My children didn’t know who she was but they loved the fact that she was a spunky lady with a will as strong as a steel hammer. She would walk that country road as fast as my young ones any day.
Dad has the same resilience, the same bounce that always brings him back.
It’s a fight that doesn’t want the last battle to win.
I will not ever be ready for that phone call that tells me…
the battle is over he is gone and no longer with us.
My dad is hanging on by sheer will and determination.
The body is not as strong as it used to be and he is tired.
I pray for more time with him but I also know only
God knows how many days each of us have here.
When the phone rings I pray my heart will be ready to hear the news I don’t want to hear.
The years we missed will never be recovered.
Time cannot bring back lost days or lost memories.
What matters now are the words,
“I care for and love you.”
“I am praying for you.”
“I won’t blame you or judge you.”
“I will miss you always.”
by Sharon O | Jul 4, 2011 | Uncategorized
A little country flag…
Oh Lord
I pray that we as a people understand
that we have fallen so hard and moved so far away from your blessings
and then we have the nerve to ask
where is our God?
When we as a people have not taken your words seriously and we have not understood your commandments fully.
I pray your Grace over us.
I pray your protection over us and our country
even when we take your name out of our pledge of allegiance.
For in our unwillingness to see you for WHO you truly are
we miss seeing the enemy for who he is also.
As we learn the truth
I pray we can use all power and weapons we need to remove him.
Lord God I ask for your patience
for I know we are people to be most pitied and our shame
should be a cover wrapped around us
as you continue to protect us against the strong wind of attacks from our enemy
even when we don’t deserve your faithfulness to us.
We have failed you as a country
yet some of us choose to serve you in the midst of those failings.
Keep us in your will and abide with us.
Stay close to us for you have promised to never leave.
Don’t give up on us yet
for there is hope and renewal for many willing to sacrifice their lives and hearts
for your purpose and our freedom.
God Please Bless America!
As you look upon us with your love.
God Bless America
Land that I Love
Stand Beside Her
And Guide Her
From the night
with a light from above
God Please Bless America…My Home Sweet Home
by Sharon O | Jul 2, 2011 | Uncategorized
My dad is still in the hospital.
Day nine and progressively moving from intensive care to a cardiac room and hopefully to his home.
But not yet.
He is still fighting pneumonia and a fever and is on medications for a variety of things that are causing him to have problems.
I am in prayer.
I am not sure what to pray.
I don’t know how to pray for the right words and the right request.
Lord God give him rest.
Calm his restless spirit and perhaps help him to go home too.
by Sharon O | Jun 29, 2011 | Uncategorized
Last weekend I had a hard few days.
My husband was gone from Friday to Sunday which left me alone.
Then my dad was admitted to intensive care in another state and it felt like things were becoming more difficult to handle again or at least out of my control.
Now that I am off the Popsicles that were SO refreshing as I was recovering from a fat face.
I have graduated to richer and better things.
Yes that is a bag of Hershey’s mini bars.
As the feeling of being alone sunk in and my lack of ability to make things change or become better for dad. I tried to think of what would ‘be yummy’ to snack on without totally breaking any kind of diet I would attempt to be on. When the store had 2 packages for $3.00 the opportunity was a huge leap for me. By nature sugar is not something that pulls me in as a relaxing food.
But chocolate at a good price? Who could pass it up?
Rationalization began to take place.
Reasoning began to knock away my arguments.
It is not too different than those dibs bite size ice cream pieces one or two won’t really hurt the diet too much. Really??
who am I kidding?
When the going gets rough chocolate always helps and generally wins no matter how many pounds or inches that have to be taken off.
Chocolate is a comfort food. (also a good glass of wine helps)
My first choice is usually Reese’s peanut butter cups or peanut m&m’s or bite sized licorice black and red. This felt to me like a safer choice since it would give me more self control since the bag was small and my typical snack is one or two small bars.
It has been pretty yummy and my favorite of the bunch is the deep chocolate.
My face is trying to break out of course since this is not a normal diet for me and my skin is rebelling.
But it is so worth it. I suggest when bad days come at you…
a krackle just might be what you need.
OR Have you ever tried Breyers heath bar ice cream?
Oh now THAT is a REAL treat.
I dare you or maybe just suggest that you try it this summer…
you won’t be sorry. You might even add a dab of fudge syrup on top.
This is a bit of confession for me and also
something to think about today.
Is it time for a snack??
by Sharon O | Jun 28, 2011 | Uncategorized
Birds deep inside their nest…resting.
Look close you can see them.
I have totally enjoyed these families this year. Especially since I was sick and couldn’t get out much this was my entertainment. Those birds cared for the babies all day long making the nest ready for a family then having the family. Now we have a second family moving in and sitting on soon to be babies again.
If you look close there is a bird on the left of the bird house and on the right of the bird house. 
Baby bird peeking out… there are two of them in there.
Mommy bird feeding the baby birds. It was awesome to watch the energy level of the mommy she was devoted to feeding them every half hour or so. She was in and out all day long. The dad too.
On the last day I was gone for part of the day and when I was gone the birds left. They all flew away.
I missed it. I had been watching them every day and they left when I was gone. It saddened my heart to know I had missed it.
Isn’t this such a beautiful picture? YUM. YUM. We have been enjoying fresh apricots and watermelon, fresh corn on the cob.
Don’t those look wonderful?
And our courtyard is growing beautiful flowers and fresh strawberries are coming onto our bushes for a morning snack. It is awesome to have fresh fruit for breakfast. The blueberries are not yet ready maybe we have to wait for next year.
Our garden is starting to flourish and grow… soon we will have tomatoes and cucumbers and other wonderful fresh vegetables. I am happy that it is finally not raining and the sun is allowing a few things to grow. I am not by nature a summer fan, enjoy fall much better. But I do enjoy the fresh fruits and vegetables that go with summer.
How is your summer going??
