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What does it feel like?

by | Sep 24, 2013 | Uncategorized

There are many things happening right now and if I let my heart feel them all
I think I would go to sleep for few days and just zone out.
What does it feel like to let your heart fully ‘hurt’?
Loss has been this months theme.
One after another in one form or the other.
I am not able to process it all.
It will take time.
I still miss my smudge cat.
The other day I browsed through craigslist for cats and even dogs.
It is not time yet. Not now and maybe not ever.
This is the first time in 34 years that we have never had a cat.
I look at Emma my red Australian cattle dog who is 14 and I know
I will lose her too.
She is probably more noticed now since she is the only one we have.
Her nails are too long, her hair needs brushed. She could use some flea treatment.
Her teeth are almost gone. She is old.
AND I am…
Still trying to process the loss of my dad.
I have a picture of him on the refrigerator wearing red suspenders with a matching red hat.
It makes me always think of papa smurf.
A cowboy papa.
My goal is to get a picture of his boots, his hat and maybe a few other things.
I will miss him always. We were not ‘close’ but he was still my dad.
Then my sister who I have taken care of for many years
has decided she doesn’t need my help anymore.
Her story has been told here in this blog and other places.
It is a meaningful story of life and love and sisterhood.
It is over.
Very similar to a divorce.
I must walk away and hope for the best and know in my heart it won’t be.
There are many things these days smacking me hard.
It feels a lot like a bad dream.
Only this one is real.
What does it feel like to allow yourself to cry and yell and get mad?
I don’t know.
I suppose it’s a good question for all of us to ask.

I was invited

by | Sep 24, 2013 | Uncategorized

Have you ever been in an encouraging group?
I love this new facebook group I was invited to join.
They have many groups for many women through the (in)courage website.
We are senior women with life after 50 homes.
It is a good place to be.
I will look forward to meeting the ladies and write them encouraging notes.
In this busy crazy world we live in it is always good to connect with others.

In a waiting room

by | Sep 16, 2013 | Uncategorized

My dad is very ill.
I sit in his hospital room and watch him labor with every breath.
His voice small and raspy as he has very little air supply.
The IV needle poked into thin arms makes me hurt just looking at it.
His skin so transparent like parchment paper bruised and blackened
I prayed the tape would not hurt him more.
His cough is deep as the infection rattles around in his chest.
Time will tell if the medications will give him a few more weeks.
We know in our hearts we are not talking about months.
We are in a waiting room.
We have been here before when my husbands mom couldn’t fight the pancreatic cancer.
We have been here before when my husbands dad couldn’t fight the heart infection.
This waiting room is different for everyone.
Some people talk and talk and talk as if to they can cover the pain of their hurting hearts.
Some people go inward and reflect on things of long ago.
I am an observer.
Stepping back and watching, recording in my mind and remembering.
When my husbands mom was on hospice and her death was becoming very close I observed and wrote what I saw so others could read it later when their hearts were ready to receive.
When my husbands dad passed away I was also observing but not recording as much.
It is a different journey for everyone.
At some point in time we will all need to spend time in this waiting room.
Much like labor when a baby is born.
The anticipation and room full of emotions vary from person to person.
The death process is something we cannot rush.
As every breath becomes more difficult and every word is whispered.
We realize a life is passing before us.
It is a giving up of oneself and giving in.
It is realizing the fight is over.
My dad is very ill and this time is precious and sacred.
Will we have the strength to say good bye?
It is a question only those of us can answer
as we remain in this waiting room.

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