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Exposure – lack of shelter or protection

by | Sep 26, 2013 | Uncategorized

The other day I received a notice from Google telling me I had new ‘readers’ on the new reader list.
It surprised me because I thought their list was shut down and closed.
I had never received a notice from them before so in my curiosity
I clicked onto the site and it showed my blog.
Then I clicked onto the reader list and there were many who I do not know, never met and do not have any idea who they are.
Both men and women were on the list and it felt strange and almost incredibly vulnerable for me.
By nature privacy is very important.
Rarely do I share deep things although in the last few years God has pursued me to open up.
Blogging is such a different process for each of us.
It is similar to a personal journal but if one opens it up to the public then it is open.
Exposed.
Perhaps even having your own personal journey unprotected.
I struggled for months over the fact of opening this to ‘anyone’ or keeping it private for only a few to see.
In that struggling process my husband said this to me,
“if you were to write a book, would you always know who purchased and read it or would it just be a mystery who had access to your words?”
Very good question and definitely something to think about.
When one writes a book there is no control over who buys it.
For days I struggled with the openness of writing.
Writing has always been a place of healing for me.
Sometimes I would draw in addition to the words formed.
Feeling that God was leading me to the place of writing and sharing I also questioned the safety.
Exposure means: lack of shelter or protection.
Disclosing something private or secret in a presentation of an open public manner.
Public appearance… presents itself as exposure.
It is taking my private thoughts or words and placing them for all to see.
My prayer has always been for this to minister to others and be a form of encouragement.
I do think if I keep writing that will happen at some point in time.
But oh it feels so open and raw and vulnerable and very similar to the first visit to a doctor’s office when you have never met them.
We would like to tell them ‘what they want to hear’ knowing full well in time they will see and understand the real truth of why we came in for a visit.
In the next few blog posts I am going to continue this topic.
It has stirred me and given me a ‘definite’ something to think about.

What does it feel like?

by | Sep 24, 2013 | Uncategorized

There are many things happening right now and if I let my heart feel them all
I think I would go to sleep for few days and just zone out.
What does it feel like to let your heart fully ‘hurt’?
Loss has been this months theme.
One after another in one form or the other.
I am not able to process it all.
It will take time.
I still miss my smudge cat.
The other day I browsed through craigslist for cats and even dogs.
It is not time yet. Not now and maybe not ever.
This is the first time in 34 years that we have never had a cat.
I look at Emma my red Australian cattle dog who is 14 and I know
I will lose her too.
She is probably more noticed now since she is the only one we have.
Her nails are too long, her hair needs brushed. She could use some flea treatment.
Her teeth are almost gone. She is old.
AND I am…
Still trying to process the loss of my dad.
I have a picture of him on the refrigerator wearing red suspenders with a matching red hat.
It makes me always think of papa smurf.
A cowboy papa.
My goal is to get a picture of his boots, his hat and maybe a few other things.
I will miss him always. We were not ‘close’ but he was still my dad.
Then my sister who I have taken care of for many years
has decided she doesn’t need my help anymore.
Her story has been told here in this blog and other places.
It is a meaningful story of life and love and sisterhood.
It is over.
Very similar to a divorce.
I must walk away and hope for the best and know in my heart it won’t be.
There are many things these days smacking me hard.
It feels a lot like a bad dream.
Only this one is real.
What does it feel like to allow yourself to cry and yell and get mad?
I don’t know.
I suppose it’s a good question for all of us to ask.

I was invited

by | Sep 24, 2013 | Uncategorized

Have you ever been in an encouraging group?
I love this new facebook group I was invited to join.
They have many groups for many women through the (in)courage website.
We are senior women with life after 50 homes.
It is a good place to be.
I will look forward to meeting the ladies and write them encouraging notes.
In this busy crazy world we live in it is always good to connect with others.