The tenth word

by Sharon O | May 7, 2014 | Uncategorized

A big step for me in my recovery process was to see ‘the child’ as they present themselves and learn to comfort that child in a way I never learned or experienced growing up.
At the time when I was deep in recovery I was also watching my grand daughter who was a premature baby.
It was a blessing on many levels as I could see her as a little one with feelings and needs and if I didn’t listen or pay attention she wouldn’t be heard and her needs would not be met.
I learned what her cries meant.
I learned what she was like when she was uncomfortable.
I learned to pay attention to her.
Growing up in a home that was broken it wasn’t safe to say what you really felt or what you thought you needed.
So as I grew in recovery I had to re-learn the idea of ‘my voice’ and my thoughts as important.
Children are just ‘little people’ who are at the mercy of big people.
Their choices are few. Their voices are not loud.
Often times when we go to a mall or a restaurant I am amazed and saddened at the inconsiderate adults to continue to shop even when it is obvious ‘the little one’ is ready to go home.
It is not the fault of the child if they are over tired, over hungry, uncomfortable or just bored.
It is the responsibility of the parent or the adult to pay attention.
So simple yet so difficult for so many.
It is not the fault of the child if they are only being children.
In the recovery process from abuse issues one has to step back and learn to see the child as they were.
A little five year old made to carry burdens that they were never meant to carry.
A little nine year old forced to grow up and be adult way before they were emotionally ready.
It is critical to see the child and all the vulnerability that comes with childhood and realize the reality for them and what was taken away.
At a very early age I learned and internalized that nothing really mattered, which for me meant
I didn’t matter and I was not important.
In recovery I learned to say ‘I am sorry’ to that little girl who learned that her voice, her worries, her feelings were not important or heard.
I learned compassion and sadness for her.
Growing up in our childhood home we were never asked the question,
“how do you feel about this?”
We didn’t get a choice.
That is why my compassion and heart is for the children.
Adults must choose that the needs of the children are more important than their own needs.
Even when it is not convenient or fun.
Compassion for the children is critical.
Even Jesus said “let the children come” for he knew they had value and voice.
My prayer is for us to be so full of compassion that we will want to listen to the heart of a child.

We sat with you and waited

by Sharon O | May 4, 2014 | Uncategorized

One week ago we said good bye to a very dear friend of ours.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, 
but by the moments that take our breath away.

God called you home

by Sharon O | Apr 29, 2014 | Uncategorized

For the last three days I have been sitting in a room among family and friends with a man who was dying.
It was a peaceful experience.
One I will remember for a very long time.
He was moved from Critical intensive care to home where he wanted to spend his last hours.
In the midst of this ‘sad event’ I had time to think about the thirty four years we had known him.
It was difficult but also a blessing to be a part of this final journey.
Death is so individual.
Some people fight it.
Some embrace it for they know there is something better ‘waiting’ for them on the other side.
He did a little bit of both for the process is difficult when one is leaving from one place to another.
I have often said to watch someone die is a lot like watching someone giving birth.
One is entering with hope and a future.
One is leaving with finality and history.
The intensive labor, the breathing, the pain.
Very similar experiences in birth or in death.
I have sat with three people now as the dying process took them home to a different ‘better’ place.
This was the first time I was actually present
when the last breath was taken.
It is a shocking moment. It is also sacred.
This man, an adopted ‘dad’ figure for us and grandpa to our children.
Lived to be eighty eight years old.
Long many years of experience, of love, of family, and of faith.
Seven days before he died he was at our house for an Easter dinner.
I am glad we shared a last supper with him.
As the oxygen tank gurgled and made it’s whoosh sound
I listened and observed and prayed.
They say the last thing that leaves when a person is dying is the ability to hear.
So many who visited him whispered and sang and talked to him.
As the body shuts down it becomes agitated.
The fight to stay wars against the fight to leave.
When the breathing changes and the color leaves you begin to realize the one dying is heading home.
When I realized this long life of his would soon be gone.
I looked around the house of treasures and memories shared
between man and wife for fifty eight years.
She had gone before him six months earlier.
I believe he not only died of a heart that he refused to fix
but also from a heart broken when he lost his love.
We said goodbye to an old dear friend of ours.
In the sacred moment where soul leaves body we were deeply saddened and also relieved that the journey was over.
In the chair with his bible in his lap near the door way to his office.
The shell of a man laid beneath the blanket.
It was not weird or odd to sit in silence with him.
It was over.
The final hours of pain and suffering ended when he took that last breath and it was peaceful.
Just as in birth when the announcement comes ‘it’s a boy or it’s a girl’
the phone calls began as we shared… “it’s over… he is gone”.
Just as in birth when one looks at the clock and observes 5:15 am a baby is born we looked at the clock and saw time of death was 7:51 pm when a life ended.
I wonder what it was like for him to move from this ‘realm’ to another.
I believe when he entered into that glorious place heaven rejoiced.
Saying good bye is much harder to say then ‘welcome home.’
It was a five day journey and it ended on Sunday night.
He was a pastor, a professor, a teacher, a chaplain and adopted grandpa and friend.
We will miss him as we say goodbye.
The journey is over rest in peace dear friend God called you home.

The ninth word

by Sharon O | Apr 22, 2014 | Uncategorized

As we continue to learn about the basket of words I hope we begin to understand that there is an importance to the order.
We began with courage for it takes great courage to admit something is wrong and needs to be changed.
Then we moved to willingness, then to trust, then to tenderness, then to power and balance, then to change and rest.
Each one of these have great significance within the process of recovery.
The ninth word in this series will be healing.

Dictionary.com says: Healing is the act or process of regaining health, getting well, mending.
Restoring health to bring an end or conclusion.
Compose or soothe: to heal the soul.
After a time of resting the body begins to have a ‘new’ place inside for healing and restoring some sort of calm that will be needed to go further in the process.
For me it was slow but as I learned to listen to the internal feelings
I learned it was more healing to listen than to discount or dismiss.
Maya Angelou says it beautifully:
“It’s scary every time I go back into the past.
Each morning, my heart catches.
When I go there, I remember how the light was, where the draft was coming from, what odors were in the air.
When I write, I get all the weeping out.”
Yes… writing helps to form feelings into words.
That is what I struggled with the most.
I could write what I could not say ‘out loud’.
I could draw what I could not express.
I had the feelings but I couldn’t verbalize the words surrounding them for it didn’t feel safe or real to talk them out.
Until I healed and followed the process of healing I couldn’t go any further.
Each step is crucial and it took time. It took patience.
It took strength to go back into those ‘places’ as Maya so beautifully expressed.
It was scary.
I had to remember in order to move forward my fear could not stop me or hold me back.
There were days I did not want to do the hard work it took for me to become more healthy.
It felt like I was mountain climbing and just as in exercise or diet it takes a process of doing in order to get the result.
I also had to fight my doubt.
What my heart told me had to be processed with my counselor and then believed.
He was a huge ‘help’ in this journey toward healing.
Just like any coach he cheered me on and he encouraged and directed me towards the goal.
The goal of healing.
To heal the soul is one of the most difficult journeys as it is a delicate process.
The one in recovery must learn to grieve.
To learn what was broken and lost, then acknowledge the pain.
Each time I stepped into that therapy room I knew I was closer to the healing process.
It will be healing to your body and refreshment to your bones. Proverbs 3:8
Our ninth word is healing

The eighth word

by Sharon O | Apr 15, 2014 | Uncategorized

The basket of words continues.
I have shared and explored with you the words, courage, willingness, trust, tenderness, power, balance and change.
Now the eighth word of the series is Rest.

Dictionary.com says:
The refreshing quiet or repose (be peacefully calm) of sleep.
as in: a good nights rest.
Refreshing ease or inactivity after exertion.
Relief or freedom, especially from anything that wearies, troubles,
or disturbs.
A period of solitude, repose, tranquility:
as in: to go away for a rest.
Mental or spiritual calm; to be quiet or still.
Are you getting the idea yet?
After so much hard emotional work one needs to stop and take an emotional break and that will include finding rest.
Rest is so important and should be a gift to oneself.
To gain strength and gain hope before starting the next phase.
A big step for me in recovery was learning to not feel guilty
when I rested.
Within my journey process there were many physically sick days.
My body began to show the amount of emotion it took for me to stuff and store so ‘no one would see or know’.
I was extremely tired but many of my close friends had no idea.
It was deeply emotional and internally heavy work.
When doing this kind of healing rest had to be a part of the ‘process’.
My therapy day would start with a group then I would see my counselor then sometimes I would see a chiropractor.
Doing all this required me to take a day off of work.
In all honesty there were days when I would come home and go to my room to lay down.
If at all possible I would do what I could to shut down the memories or the affects of the therapy session.
Through the process of healing I learned.
It is not being irresponsible to allow some time for rest.
One cannot go further and keep reaching inward if the ‘spirit’ of the person is fatigued.
I learned that to rest was being kind to myself.
I learned that my family benefited from me being more rested.
We come to the basket of words and we search and we learn and we slowly realize that any emotional process is hard work.
Maya Angelou once said: 
I learned a long time ago the wisest thing I can do is to be on my own side, be an advocate for myself and others like me. At 50, I began to know who I was. It was like waking up to myself. 
Yes.
It is like waking up to yourself and finding a new you.
A healed you.
A stronger and more empowered you.
Allowing yourself the gift of rest also allows yourself the power to say the word NO.
Perhaps for the first time the one in recovery will realize it is healthy and healing
to say “I am tired today and I need to rest.”  

The seventh word

by Sharon O | Apr 9, 2014 | Uncategorized

Out of the basket of words I have shared about courage, willingness, trust, tenderness, power and then balance.
The seventh word to learn about is going to be change.

 

I have tried to set the words out in a sequence of how it was for me as I was going through this ‘deep’ internal process of healing.
When someone goes into a therapy season many things begin to change for them.
What was once familiar and comfortable now begins to feel ‘abnormal’ and sometimes disturbing.
Relationships change on many levels.
The person going through recovery changes from the inside out.
It won’t feel good or right to stay in the same routine and old behaviors because healing brings new truths.
I always learned through this process, ‘awareness brings choice.’
Dictionary.com says : It is to become different, altered, transformed, in opinion, in thought or course or direction.
as in: changing ones mind.
I remember there was a point in time when someone would say something to me and in the old ‘life’ I would just ignore it, or internalize it or believe it to be true.
My ‘new’ life of awareness brought me to the point of thinking…
then saying,
“this is not about me, this issue is not mine.”
Then I began to move from the guilt and obligation that was taught and felt to a more healthy place inside.
Change brings courage forward and gives it voice. 
It is realizing to enable the ‘toxic behavior’ is not good for me now.
It is realizing these issues are about them and not me.
It is realizing family ‘dysfunction’ is the core ‘reason’ we sit in a therapy room.
Dysfunction means: abnormal or impaired, bad or difficult.
It is learning to say as we move through the process.
“that was then, this is now. Today is a new day. I will begin again.”
I began to change internally when my old ‘style of coping’ didn’t work any more and it didn’t feel ‘real’ to me.
As healing becomes normal to us we move further away from the old ‘way’s of coping or believing.
Truth changes the reality in which we begin to live.
As we grow and move forward change will create many conflicts because we are not doing it ‘the way it always has been done.’
Those around us see and sometimes test our new boundaries.
It takes strength and courage to stand up for what is right and healthy.
This basket of words is layered and powerful.
Each one of these words takes a great amount of growth and choice.
The one in recovery has to realize and soon begins to realize some friends, some family, will not stand by and watch as you change before them.
They will feel uncomfortable with the ‘boundaries given them’ and they will not encourage you in the new process.
Change creates boundaries and also brings to us the ability to say with courage,
“I am not going to listen to that anymore or I will not allow ‘you’ to hurt me again.”
Change forces a line to be drawn.
When I began to get healthy, there was a point in time when I told my husband,
“I am moving forward, with you or without.” I will not ever go back to where I was as a wounded person.
One of the hardest parts of recovery is realizing ‘you’ are worth fighting for.

Believe

by Sharon O | Apr 6, 2014 | Uncategorized

Teach me good discernment and knowledge, 
for I believe in your commandments.
Psalm 119:66
Joining Deidra on jumping tandem and the Sunday community.

The sixth word

by Sharon O | Apr 2, 2014 | Uncategorized

Words.
We started off with the word courage.
Then the next word was willingness.
Then after that the word was trust.
Then it was tenderness and then it was power.
The sixth word in the continuing series from the basket of words is going to be balance.

My reason for this is very simple.
When someone enters into a therapy setting they are often imbalanced in their thinking.
Recovery brings to us an ‘all or nothing’ thought process.
All black and all white with no middle grey area.
Instead of saying, “growing up we had a mixture of both good and bad” the person in recovery usually remembers only the bad.
There were no good times… ever.
Now sometimes that can be incredibly true but also sometimes there needs to be balance in remembering.
Dictionary.com tells us that balance is this:
mental steadiness or emotional stability; 
habit of calm behavior; poise and composure.
Learning the process of balance when one is doing any kind of recovery work is very important.
If someone wakes up and has a good day, an almost fun day.
It is perfectly normal to do that and one should not feel guilty because of those feelings.
Balance means, I understand what was over here, in this ‘pile of journal writings’…
and I also understand ‘what is in this one.’
It takes balance to be healthy.
To remain focused on the issues but also to rest when it’s needed and also work hard when necessary.
As a young mom like I was when I began this process it was impossible to focus only on the recovery issues.
There were meals to prepare and life went on whether I felt good or whether I was deep in a memory or not.
It took balance to do the recovery work in the office with my counselor then go home and put that ‘away’ till the next week when we could talk again.
In the middle of those days I would write and journal or draw pictures to keep the words and thoughts fresh.
Balance… was critical in the process of healing.
Without balance it is impossible to stay stable and steady when working on recovery issues.
The sixth word in this series of words is balance.
A wise woman recognizes when her life is out of balance and summons the courage to act to correct it, she knows the meaning of true generosity, happiness is the reward for a life lived in harmony, with a courage and with grace. Suze Orman

Your father in heaven

by Sharon O | Mar 30, 2014 | Uncategorized

“Look at it this way.
If someone has a hundred sheep and one of them wanders off, doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine to go after the one?
And if he finds it, doesn’t he make far more over it than the ninety-nine who stay put?
Your father in heaven feels the same way.
He doesn’t want to lose even one of these simple believers.”
Matthew 18:11-13
{sheep in pasture; Yamhill county Oregon}
Joining Deidra on jumping tandem and the Sunday community.