Our thirteenth word

by Sharon O | Jun 3, 2014 | Uncategorized

As we continue to learn the basket of words and how they represent themselves in our lives
I hope you have seen a progression.
Starting out with courage which is incredibly hard, then willingness, trust, tenderness, power, balance, change, rest, healing, compassion, and then play.
The next word from the basket will be beauty.

Dictionary.com describes it as:
loveliness, beautiful quality, grace, charm.
Something beautiful in nature or as in a person, 
outstanding example of it’s kind.
When I talk about beauty I am not referring to the type our media brings to us which is centered around vanity issues.
That is not beauty or in the very least fabricated beauty.
I am talking about beauty as in discovering and exploring 
perhaps for the first time,
the beauty that is within you. 
It is a character quality. 
Matters of the heart kind of beauty.
Maya Angelou once said: 
“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but we rarely admit 
the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.”
The same is said for recovery.
We go through many changes, many ups and downs and moments that bring clarity to us.
The road is hard. 
We often think we will not make it.
We feel we cannot go further or gain any progress.
Then after a season of unbelief… 
the beauty of what is held inside us begins to pour up and out 
and we begin to feel capable, confident and with feeling.
At that point we realize the darkness that had engulfed us and clouded our vision 
also removed our hope and truth. 
Recovery often begins with depression and gray thoughts.
Healing helps us to see the beauty in a rose, a sunset, or a loved ones smile.
As the fog and heaviness lifts our minds clear and the beauty of the world around us rises to the surface bringing to us a new sense of being alive.
To appoint unto them that mourn in zion, 
to give unto them beauty for ashes,
the oil of joy for mourning, 
the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. Isaiah 61:3
Our thirteenth word is beauty because it brings freshness, 
truth and hope. 

Thoughts for the day

by Sharon O | May 28, 2014 | Uncategorized

Fifteen years ago

by Sharon O | May 25, 2014 | Uncategorized

Today is our first grand child’s birthday.
Faith Elizabeth was born eight weeks early.
It was an emergency situation, her mom was in crisis and the baby had to be born immediately.
The doctor told us she might be 3 pounds, and then he headed to the surgery room.
A while later after we had been waiting and praying he came through the doors again and said, “baby is fine but she is 2 pounds 11 oz and will be in Nicu until she is able to go home.”
I immediately cried.

Her first bed was a monitoring station in Neonatal Intensive care nursery where they monitor vitals and oxygen and warmth.
She never got jaundice which was amazing considering how tiny she was in Nicu.
She had Iv’s in her head for just a few days and then after an unsuccessful tube feeding she decided to start eating.
She never had to have oxygen as her lungs were strong and even though she was on monitor’s she never had a breathing problem.
Within a week she was released from one level of Nicu to the other not so critical Nicu.

She was like a little bird. So tiny and so fragile.
Yet also so very alert and precious.

On May 24, 15 years ago we became grandparents for the first time.
We have watched her grow into and become a beautiful, amazing young lady.
Ready for the world and ready for dreams and hopes and aspirations of life outside of highschool.
I often ask her, “what do you want to be when you grow up and become an adult?”
                                     
I am choosing to not show her ‘face’ as she is sensitive with her privacy and so am I.
Faith Elizabeth … we love you.
We pray for you… and we will always … always be here for you no matter what or where life takes you.
You have blessed us beyond our wildest imaginations.
You are beautiful. Smart. Funny. Kind and caring. Oh and very social.
You love God and your grandma.  :o)
You are very close to your mom and your family.
We are SO blessed to have you be our first born grand child.

The twelfth word

by Sharon O | May 20, 2014 | Uncategorized

In the series on the basket of words we have been learning about many ‘new’ words and discovering the role they play in a recovery process for someone.
We began with the word courage, then willingness, trust, tenderness, power, balance, change, rest, healing, compassion and play.
Now our twelfth word will be humor.

I know it seems to be a very strange word when dealing with ‘recovery’ and intense life experiences or memories.
When someone is in the recovery process as time moves on for them healing takes away so many hard and difficult feelings.
When those ‘intense feelings leave’ new ones are replaced within the person who is healing.
As they feel safe they begin to realize the real person tucked away inside the one who was hiding.
When I was in therapy and I learned to breathe and relax,
something changed deep inside my spirit.
People began to tell me I was becoming more funny.
It was natural but was also very hidden.
Dictionary.com said:
it is the expressing or perceiving the amusing or comical.
One quote I found said: purely intellectual manifestation of cleverness and quickness
of apprehension in discovering analogies between things,
with sharp observations or remarks.
Basically the quality of being funny.
Another quote by Constance Rourke said it this way:
(which is a bit easier to understand)
An emotional man may possess no humor, but a humorous man
usually has deep pockets of emotion, sometimes tucked away or forgotten.
(I don’t know this lady nor do I know the other person I quoted just liked what they had to say on the subject)
For the person in the process of healing humor can help
in many ways and on many levels.
It has been discovered through research that when we laugh we actually change our chemistry on the cellular level.
It also has been discovered that if cancer patients learn to laugh they sometimes can transform or reduce their ‘cancer cells’ allowing them to heal faster and stronger.
Stress is lightened and we are more healthy when we laugh.
In our growing up years we didn’t laugh very often as there was very little to laugh about.
Therapy opened up that door for me and as I walked into the room
‘of humor’ I realized it was freeing.
To look at life in a not so serious way and see it differently is both challenging and good.
Humor is healing to the soul and also ministers to those around us.
On many occasions I have had people say to me,
“Oh I miss your humor. you always make us laugh.”
Even though it still doesn’t feel natural to me,
I think that it is a very wonderful compliment.
So I challenge you today.
Find a funny movie, a book or a delightful walk and discover humor.
You won’t be sorry, I promise.

I will praise Him…

by Sharon O | May 18, 2014 | Uncategorized

The Lord is my strength and song, And He has become my salvation;
This is my God, and I will praise Him;
My father’s God, and I will extol  him.
Exodus 15:1-3

For the new ‘Sunday community’.

The eleventh word

by Sharon O | May 14, 2014 | Uncategorized

As we once more review the series called basket of words.
We have had the opportunity to learn the meaning of courage, willingness, trust, tenderness, power, balance, change, rest, healing, and compassion.
Now our eleventh word will be: Play

It seems like a strange word to talk about but for someone in recovery from childhood trauma it is critical to be able to lighten up and play and perhaps for the first time not be under such a heavy emotional spirit.
Dictionary.com says: play is a general word for any form of activity, amusement, often undirected random or spontaneous fun.
as opposed to seriousness.
childhood should be a time for play 
During the summer my husband often volunteers for a group called ‘Royal Family kids camp’.
It is a camp for children who are in the foster care system.
(They are always looking for trained counselors to volunteer.) /www.rfkc.org or http://royalfamilykids.org/
For one week they are transported to an undisclosed location and allowed to play and be the children they were meant to be.
On the first day of camp each child is given a handmade quilt that is theirs to take back home with them as a treasured keepsake.
They schedule activities for them which includes water swim time in a pool along with other assorted group sessions.
Then in the middle of the week they have what they call a group ‘birthday party’.
This is very important as some children in very rough homes do not ever get a personal birthday party.
It is something that all children deserve but don’t always receive.
They have a ‘group’ birthday cake and each one gets to participate.
It is a fun time and also a sad time for this is also the day the children realize soon camp will be over.
It is hard for them to think about going back to where they came from and into a more serious setting.
Play is very hard to learn if someone was never allowed to just be a child when growing up.
Children who have had to live in difficult environments tend to carry with them very heavy spirits and lot’s of responsibility.
It is very sad.
Children need time to run and play carefree without worries or concerns.
For the adult who is in recovery learning to be spontaneous sometimes for the first time is very freeing.
They learn to play, color, swing on a swing, or even laugh out loud and be noisy.
I have seen some who have breathed a huge sigh of relief when they finally let go of the heaviness that surrounded them.
Sometimes when one is facing difficult memories or difficult ‘times’ internally they feel guilty when they play or begin to feel joyful.
It becomes an incongruent confused feeling because they feel like they should always have a serious ‘spirit’ around them.
For the adult in recovery from childhood trauma to relearn and live these simple things takes courage.
I found a quote by Anne Cassidy that fits this perfectly and really explains what I have been trying to explore with you:
(I don’t know who this lady is but I like what she said)
“I have begun to appreciate the generational patterns that ripple out from our lives like stones dropped in water, pulsing outward even after we are gone.
Although we have one childhood, we relive it first through our children’s then through our grandchildren’s eyes.”
That is so true.
I have learned through watching the children I can see hope and innocence and the freedom to be little ones.
Not all children have the chance to live a carefree life.
But it is the best ‘choice for all’ of them.
Agatha Christie says it very well when she said,
“One of the luckiest things that can happen to you in life is, I think, to have a happy childhood.”
I will add for that very reason, our eleventh word is play.
Childhood should be a time for play.

The tenth word

by Sharon O | May 7, 2014 | Uncategorized

A big step for me in my recovery process was to see ‘the child’ as they present themselves and learn to comfort that child in a way I never learned or experienced growing up.
At the time when I was deep in recovery I was also watching my grand daughter who was a premature baby.
It was a blessing on many levels as I could see her as a little one with feelings and needs and if I didn’t listen or pay attention she wouldn’t be heard and her needs would not be met.
I learned what her cries meant.
I learned what she was like when she was uncomfortable.
I learned to pay attention to her.
Growing up in a home that was broken it wasn’t safe to say what you really felt or what you thought you needed.
So as I grew in recovery I had to re-learn the idea of ‘my voice’ and my thoughts as important.
Children are just ‘little people’ who are at the mercy of big people.
Their choices are few. Their voices are not loud.
Often times when we go to a mall or a restaurant I am amazed and saddened at the inconsiderate adults to continue to shop even when it is obvious ‘the little one’ is ready to go home.
It is not the fault of the child if they are over tired, over hungry, uncomfortable or just bored.
It is the responsibility of the parent or the adult to pay attention.
So simple yet so difficult for so many.
It is not the fault of the child if they are only being children.
In the recovery process from abuse issues one has to step back and learn to see the child as they were.
A little five year old made to carry burdens that they were never meant to carry.
A little nine year old forced to grow up and be adult way before they were emotionally ready.
It is critical to see the child and all the vulnerability that comes with childhood and realize the reality for them and what was taken away.
At a very early age I learned and internalized that nothing really mattered, which for me meant
I didn’t matter and I was not important.
In recovery I learned to say ‘I am sorry’ to that little girl who learned that her voice, her worries, her feelings were not important or heard.
I learned compassion and sadness for her.
Growing up in our childhood home we were never asked the question,
“how do you feel about this?”
We didn’t get a choice.
That is why my compassion and heart is for the children.
Adults must choose that the needs of the children are more important than their own needs.
Even when it is not convenient or fun.
Compassion for the children is critical.
Even Jesus said “let the children come” for he knew they had value and voice.
My prayer is for us to be so full of compassion that we will want to listen to the heart of a child.

We sat with you and waited

by Sharon O | May 4, 2014 | Uncategorized

One week ago we said good bye to a very dear friend of ours.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, 
but by the moments that take our breath away.

God called you home

by Sharon O | Apr 29, 2014 | Uncategorized

For the last three days I have been sitting in a room among family and friends with a man who was dying.
It was a peaceful experience.
One I will remember for a very long time.
He was moved from Critical intensive care to home where he wanted to spend his last hours.
In the midst of this ‘sad event’ I had time to think about the thirty four years we had known him.
It was difficult but also a blessing to be a part of this final journey.
Death is so individual.
Some people fight it.
Some embrace it for they know there is something better ‘waiting’ for them on the other side.
He did a little bit of both for the process is difficult when one is leaving from one place to another.
I have often said to watch someone die is a lot like watching someone giving birth.
One is entering with hope and a future.
One is leaving with finality and history.
The intensive labor, the breathing, the pain.
Very similar experiences in birth or in death.
I have sat with three people now as the dying process took them home to a different ‘better’ place.
This was the first time I was actually present
when the last breath was taken.
It is a shocking moment. It is also sacred.
This man, an adopted ‘dad’ figure for us and grandpa to our children.
Lived to be eighty eight years old.
Long many years of experience, of love, of family, and of faith.
Seven days before he died he was at our house for an Easter dinner.
I am glad we shared a last supper with him.
As the oxygen tank gurgled and made it’s whoosh sound
I listened and observed and prayed.
They say the last thing that leaves when a person is dying is the ability to hear.
So many who visited him whispered and sang and talked to him.
As the body shuts down it becomes agitated.
The fight to stay wars against the fight to leave.
When the breathing changes and the color leaves you begin to realize the one dying is heading home.
When I realized this long life of his would soon be gone.
I looked around the house of treasures and memories shared
between man and wife for fifty eight years.
She had gone before him six months earlier.
I believe he not only died of a heart that he refused to fix
but also from a heart broken when he lost his love.
We said goodbye to an old dear friend of ours.
In the sacred moment where soul leaves body we were deeply saddened and also relieved that the journey was over.
In the chair with his bible in his lap near the door way to his office.
The shell of a man laid beneath the blanket.
It was not weird or odd to sit in silence with him.
It was over.
The final hours of pain and suffering ended when he took that last breath and it was peaceful.
Just as in birth when the announcement comes ‘it’s a boy or it’s a girl’
the phone calls began as we shared… “it’s over… he is gone”.
Just as in birth when one looks at the clock and observes 5:15 am a baby is born we looked at the clock and saw time of death was 7:51 pm when a life ended.
I wonder what it was like for him to move from this ‘realm’ to another.
I believe when he entered into that glorious place heaven rejoiced.
Saying good bye is much harder to say then ‘welcome home.’
It was a five day journey and it ended on Sunday night.
He was a pastor, a professor, a teacher, a chaplain and adopted grandpa and friend.
We will miss him as we say goodbye.
The journey is over rest in peace dear friend God called you home.