by Sharon O | May 4, 2010 | Uncategorized
Day four … the vigil continues.
Mom O is peacefully quiet.
She is still with us only more subdued and more ‘out of body’ then in. We watch the process and we are amazed at her fortitude. Although we are tired and weary we wouldn’t miss this opportunity of sharing something so spiritual with each other. Watching someone you love pass from this life to the next is difficult and hard on ones heart. The roller coaster of emotions so draining. But it would be ‘more’ difficult if we were not believers for we know that where she is going is so much better than where she is leaving.
We are prayerful as we watch and wait for her to ‘let’ go.
Life as she knew it is now only a memory stored in our minds and hearts. Dad still has his hand on her head and rarely leaves her side. It is a love story played out in photo albums full of black and white photos portraying a life time of family memories. It is like a spiritual journey that is now ending.
Soon she will be home with Jesus. I can see her now as she enters the gated city. The host of angels will sing and shout as she walks into a new and wonderful place. Her son will greet her with a wide smile and happy heart and say, “Happy mothers day mom.”
Welcome home.
Mom O we will miss you.
by Sharon O | May 1, 2010 | Uncategorized
Today
Was a different day for mom O. She rested more unlike yesterday when she would crochet and tear it out, crochet and tear it out ripping and tearing by the minute. She was more alert and eating too. She wanted pepsi and pepperoni and she wanted dinner. It was like a rushing moment for her and different in character. Like a strong wind outside at night moving the trees back and forth and then the next morning calm and peace as if it never happened.
Today she only had water saying ‘I am not hungry’. The dance of death so difficult to learn. The moves change so quickly when one is so close to the ‘final goodbye’.
I sit in the dining room alone in my thoughts. The house is quiet.
Others are taking a break while mom O rests.
I see Dad O go to her side; he takes his old man hand and brushes her hair on her face as he balances himself on the arm of the chair with his cane on the floor. She sleeps and I am not sure if she feels his gentle man hand on her head. He rests his hand so gently on her forehead, and moves it around to her face. Almost like he is checking for a fever.
I am in tears by now my eyes watching a gift of love and tenderness.
My heart aches for their love once known. Almost 61 years they were together.
Are the pictures flooding in his mind? Years of memories of children being raised playing as the reel to reel movie camera flood his mind. She canned and cooked and washed and cleaned and sewed. I wondered what he was thinking as he looked into her ‘dying face’. I dared not ask for I was in tears without a word I knew if he began to speak to me I would weep.
For their love was special.
Ma and Pa to six children five boys and one daughter. I could not relate to their closeness when I first met them. It was foreign to me.
I remember nightly my husband and his son would call and say ‘how are you dad?’ my mind would say… ‘you just talked to him last night why call again?’
My family not close so it was unfamiliar to me.
We lived by rules and conditions and they lived by love.
Love that spoke caring and concern and ‘how was your day today?’ questions. Every day a check in call would take place.
I have learned by being in this family that love is always.
Love is relational.
Love has no conditions only to be kind and gentle and forgiving
and to be in relationship with each other.
I have learned a lot by being near this family.
His heart will break in many pieces when she leaves her resting place to go home.
I believe he will be at peace, for her suffering will be over. But it is not to say it will be easy or kind to ones heart when a loved one passes from us. They have been together for many years through sickness and health and richer and poorer. They have been a couple till death will part them.
In tears tonight I looked across the room and saw love. It was gentle and peaceful and kind and ever so tender. I cherished the moment through my tears.
Jesus be with her as the Angels take her home. Help her to feel no pain or feel no restlessness. Give her calm. Let her go peacefully and bring to dad a new ‘soft gentle’ awareness she is home and safe and peacefully asleep in your arms. We love you mom O.
amen
by Sharon O | Apr 30, 2010 | Uncategorized
The process of leaving this life is labor intensive.
The dance of death a daily experience as the loved one continues down a path of release, of letting go and giving in.
There is a fight that goes on between spirit and will and it is so very clear to watch the battle that is raging within the one dying. It is heart wrenching and painful for those caring for her.
Unlike the intensive labor process of contractions and breathing and monitoring and waiting for the ‘new’ baby to arrive. This is an ongoing process of waiting for the last breath to take place.
In the midst of a sacred place, a spiritual holy moment, there is agony. The loved one knows they are leaving and they feel the body shifting away from what was once familiar to them.
The will gets trapped within the dying process.
Last night Mom wanted to go out for dinner again. She told her kids “dad and I are going out tonight”… we know she can’t do that so they calmly said to her,”someone else is bringing us dinner is that ok?’ … she hesitated and said ‘ok’.
The dance of death takes away what the thought process brings forward
and what was once a normal request is now an impossibility.
I think back and it was only two weeks ago when she did indeed walk with her walker and sat in a restaurant chair and looked normal.
That choice is no longer an option.
I think that is part of this dance that is so painful when the choices get slowly taken away from the one dying. Last weekend she tried to stand up and walk to the bathroom, and she fell.
What was normal now is not. A catheter now helps in that process, for movement is difficult and painful. It is a slow progression of taking away something. Even pain medicine takes away a sweet personality for the side effects are not often helpful or pleasant.
Last night she became crabby and a bit snappy, I reminded them it is the medication.
Dad who is 88 can’t quite take in the changes that have removed his loved one from him.
He holds her hand and tries to calm her. When the boys couldn’t do what she wanted, she pleaded for dad to do it. He has been put on strict orders to not do anything without them.
He is very unsteady on his feet and to have him fall or get injured would only complicate the situation for the family.
Death is near. Mom lies in her bed and reaches in the air. Her daughter said she is trying to take hold of the angels. Even the dogs lie next to her chair and look above her as they growl or yip softly. They can see the spiritual around her. Her daughter says the angels are here.
Death is near.
The hardest part for those left behind is watching and waiting.
by Sharon O | Apr 27, 2010 | Uncategorized
I am reading the book ‘Waking the Dead’… by John Eldredge.
It is extremely thought provoking and I highly recommend it.
He says: “When you tell a story you speak to the heart”, which was a validation for me.
Since I began to write the intention of this blog was always to not just share or write but to challenge and provoke thought for those who are reading it. It has been the vision that the Lord has pressed upon my ‘heart’ to be authentic and real and in that process challenge others on the same path for spiritual maturity.
Speaking of heart… John says: “Without the burning in our hearts we lose the meaning of our days.”
In 2 Corinthians 4:18 it says: ‘So we fix our eyes on not what is seen, but what is unseen.’
Our eyes are to be focused on spiritual things.
The problem we face is a war for our burning heart conditions.
We can’t see clearly if our heart is not right.
John said there is a war against our hearts.
It is powerful and ongoing for the enemy does not want us to see clearly the war surrounding us and he does not want us to know about the battle or the efforts against us every day.
John says: “Gods intention for us is life so you must fight for your life.”
He says we are to join in the spiritual battle and fight for the life that is before us.
John says : “We don’t see clearly because we don’t see with the eyes of our hearts.”
Without seeing with the eyes of our hearts, we miss what is important.
In Ephesians 1:18 it says: ‘I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened.’
So it is an intentional process of focusing and keeping our eyes clear with clear vision.
The eyes of our hearts can become cloudy and blurry just as our eyes condition can become blurred. Like glaucoma of the soul we can lose sight of what is burning in our hearts.
The deep longing to be in relationship with a Holy God and to be in relationship with a Holy Spirit and a Holy Savior.
Have you ever had a professional eye exam? Can you remember the feeling when they do the check for glaucoma? How you have to steady your head on that chin rest then wait for them to blow that puff of air in your eyes? It is uncomfortable and you really take notice for it is strange and weird experience and a bit scary.
Perhaps it is a time for a puff of air into our hearts so we can see and feel the purpose that is before us.
God created us to be in relationship…
we were the ones who moved from that purpose.
In 2 Chronicles 16:9: ‘For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.’
Can you imagine with me how He searches… and seeks us out so that He can strengthen us.
Just as it is our desire to encourage and strengthen our loved ones or friends, it is God’s desire to strengthen us.
That is relationship and a powerful reminder for us of His love.
My challenge:
‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.’ Deuteronomy 6:5
I challenge us all today to love with intention.
by Sharon O | Apr 26, 2010 | Uncategorized
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you. Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back into loneliness. Of all the needs a lonely child has, the one that must be satisfied, if there is going to be hope and a hope of wholeness, is the unshaken need for an unshakable God. The above quotes were from Maya Angelou ~ a wise old soul. These words are very similar to my experience growing up. I don’t remember feeling lonely but I always remembered feeling alone. By nature I have always thrived when I am alone in the quiet. I can think and process thoughts much better than in a room full of activity. So perhaps the child hood experiences were not all without purpose. If I was alone always I am afraid my own company would become boring. As a child music was indeed my refuge. In my room it became my escape. I could pretend I was Diana Ross standing next to the mirror lip syncing to the songs. Or I could sing and meditate on the words of Simon and Garfunkel, “I am a rock, I am an Island… a rock feels no pain and an island never cries.” I never did either. Music was my escape. I could go into my room turn the record player on with the black slick albums and escape as the record would turn and turn as the needle played the songs. Escaping into quiet was my way of creating normal. A quiet normal full of music that ministered to my ‘hurting heart’.
by Sharon O | Apr 23, 2010 | Uncategorized
One isn’t necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential.
Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can’t be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage. Maya Angelou
Courage
1. The state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, difficulty, pain, etc., without fear; bravery
2. Obsolete, the heart as the source of emotion.
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3. Have the courage of one’s convictions, to act in accordance with one’s beliefs, esp. in spite of criticism.
a. fearlessness, courage permits one to face extreme dangers and difficulties without fear.
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I was given a quote one time by a very special person. It has been on my dresser for a long time.
It is on a little card, dusty with age. I have valued its wisdom.
Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying,”I will try again tomorrow.”
What do you need to try again…
tomorrow
or today
or right now?
Is there a wrong you need to right…
A phone call you need to make…
A letter you need to write…
A prayer you need to pray…
In our busy times and our busy lives we often live as though we have tomorrow to say what needs to be said, to do what needs to be done. We put off what matters the most
and continually do what won’t matter next week.
Lord, help us to be people who have the courage to put down our pride, or excuses and move forward into relationships that need healing. Help us to help others. When we walk alongside someone when their courage is weak, Lord help us to be strong for them. Help us to move ourselves aside and allow you to lead us into another person’s hurting heart. And Lord may we be people who ask the tough questions of ourselves and of others in the process.
There is another quote on my bulletin board:
Courage is not the absence of fear but it is taking action in the midst of it.
Are you willing to take action and be courageous and do what is right?
Maya Angelou said:
The idea is to write it so that people hear it and it slides through the brain and goes straight to the heart.
Where is your heart today?
by Sharon O | Apr 20, 2010 | Uncategorized
Until something is in its rightful place it can’t be what it is.
Our relationship with God is life changing.
When we encountered the presence of the real living God almighty we were forever changed. Isn’t that worth writing about, sharing and remembering?
What was your story? I have shared mine.
How God met me in the moment where I needed Him to come through for me to believe.
I believe He does that for all of us.
Our pastor has been doing a series about encounters…when we encounter something in person we have a total different view of it. It becomes real to us.
Our pastor taught that we encounter God in the dark sacred spaces of our lives.
The places of discomfort.
It is where the sacred meet the spirit.
He talked about the story of Jonah. Remember how he ran from what the Lord wanted him to do? He ran literally for miles and miles thinking that God could not find him.
Jonah discovered that God knew his heart and was determined to make him listen.
Our true character emerges through the storms of our lives. Who we really are-not who we show for others to see. In the dark deep belly of the whale within the process of becoming obedient, Jonah prayed a prayer of thanksgiving. “In my distress I called to the Lord, and he answered me. From the depths of the grave I called for help, and you listened to my cry.” Jonah 2:1 “But I, with a song of thanksgiving, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. Salvation comes from the Lord.” vs. 9
Can you imagine? Let us think about this for a minute.
Jonah is deep in to the belly of a whale. It couldn’t be quiet the breathing and thrashing of the massive fish overwhelming. I wonder as Jonah sat or lay down surrounded by the rotting fish and seaweed and the overpowering smells in the darkness of the deep. Was that when he encountered God?
Jonah was rescued by God because God knew Jonah would become obedient after the lesson he learned. God knows our heart conditions. Pastor calls it the basement of our souls where our hearts decisions lie. Jonah did not want to obey God so he ran fast and far. Yet God found him. Pastor said the dark spaces of our lives deepened our character. It is where God can whisper and touch each layer of our broken lives; layer upon layer till all become healed places.
From the moment we were being formed Psalm 139 tells us we were known. God knew us. Isn’t that awesome? He is faithful from the beginning. We are the ones who move.
So in the process of running or avoiding or disobeying or hiding like Jonah we lose the opportunity to serve. I hope we always remember it is in the dark creepy spaces where our heart can truly meet the savior. His love is deep and wide and intense and I believe He will pursue us till we believe.
Pastor said what we choose to do shape us and also shapes others who watch us.
God is calling us to proper motivation.
When Jonah encountered God and heard him say, “I am going to rescue you because your heart condition has been obedient.” He wanted to serve Him for he knew He had saved his life.
Pastor challenged us to read the book of Jonah and ask ourselves what is our Nineveh?
What are we running from or hiding?
The lesson learned… until our heart condition is in its rightful place, it can’t be what it is.
by Sharon O | Apr 14, 2010 | Uncategorized
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his names sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, [a] or through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. (NIV)
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God, my shepherd! I don’t need a thing. You have bedded me down in lush meadows, you find me quiet pools to drink from. True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction. Even when the way goes through death valley, I’m not afraid when you walk at my side. Your trusty shepherd’s crook makes me feel secure. You serve me a six-course dinner right in front of my enemies You revive my drooping head; my cup brims with blessing. Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life. I’m back home in the house of God for the rest of my life. (MSG)
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The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. Even when I walk through the darkest valley (a)or the dark valley of death I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect me and comfort me. You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.(NLT)
How awesome it is to see how our loving God gives us provision, protection, peace, promise and praise. I hope you find encouragement in this combination of readings.
by Sharon O | Apr 13, 2010 | Uncategorized
My heart is heavy.
Yesterday I found out my dad is starting chemo this week for his leukemia. Those who have read my blog understand my relationship with my dad.
It has been distant, weak, and full of pain and questions. I suppose his emotional walls have been as high as mine so the relationship could not be real. When I first met him in my 30’s I told him, “you have to earn the right to be called my dad”… and he never really pursued the relationship.
When we see each other it is a nice chat but not a reconnection of dad and daughter. It is always a hole and a great void for me. God has healed a lot of the ‘pain’ surrounding the father/daughter relationship.
I have learned to lean on ‘God the Father’.
I have a few memento’s of my dad and I did get a beautiful iron gate from him when Mary was here dying on hospice.
It was my thank you from him for all the difficult work we had to deal with.
It is with great sadness and heavy heart that now we not only deal with the pending death of mom O. At the same time we may be facing the illness and possible death of my dad in the months to come.
I know God will not give us more than we can bear so I am praying for strength, stamina and courage. To move forward in the new directions of life’s journey.
(The above picture is part of my gate with dad’s signature on it)
by Sharon O | Apr 12, 2010 | Uncategorized
Our family is going through a really difficult time these days.
The process of watching a loved one die is a heavy weight on ones heart.
Mom wanted some Chinese food the other evening for dinner.
A brother in law said,”We can go get it and bring it to you”, her reply, “No I want to go to the restaurant.” So with great effort she got herself up and moved with her walker and went out to the car then to the restaurant.
How does one say no when Hope is still present in the heart of the one who is ill.
She wanted to go out. She wanted to be normal and sit in a restaurant chair without oxygen and eat her food just as she did many months ago. Only this time she ate a small amount of food and drank her tea and just enjoyed a little bit of normal life into her heart. Dad was cute as I heard him say, “Well ma we have lots of leftovers for us to eat later”. She agreed with him. I really thought it a sweet moment. The two of them sitting side by side sharing a meal together just like the old times.
The process of death is a heart wrenching one.
I called it the dance of death when my sister was dying. For one never knows the moves that are necessary for adapting and change as the progression of illness moves forward. It tugs at ones heart and occasionally grief rises to the surface and tears fall. Deep grief is layered between things to do and things to take care of and must wait till later.
For now tasks take away the full impact of a loved one leaving.
The moments of talking heart to heart are precious and worth taking notes recorded in journals to keep for a later time.
When a death is pending one can say goodbyes unlike a sudden death when the survivors are unprepared for the news. A pending death is month by month …week by week… hour by hour … eventually… minute by minute.
The process of care taking is exhausting at times yet in these unknown days ahead it is also a gift. The measure of giving and giving more and worrying and praying and trying not to worry. It is all apart of the dance. Steps altered and rearranged by a body deteriorating and movements jilted by life’s ending journey.
Only one who has gone through the process can relate to the soul that is trying to say goodbye in many ways throughout the day.
We have hope in God and know the result of a loved one passing who loves the Lord is peaceful. For our home is not here if we love Jesus.
Our home is found in another beautiful resting place.
The impact is still extremely difficult. Prayers are continually needed for those waiting and watching and wondering what is it going to be like for the loved one to be gone.
For now… we join in the times of sharing and we count our blessings that it is has been a gentle experience.
Our family is still intact with ma and pa sitting together not knowing how their love story will end.
There is a new dance to learn as we process the final journey home.
