A heavy heart

My heart is heavy.

Yesterday I found out my dad is starting chemo this week for his leukemia. Those who have read my blog understand my relationship with my dad.
It has been distant, weak, and full of pain and questions. I suppose his emotional walls have been as high as mine so the relationship could not be real. When I first met him in my 30’s I told him, “you have to earn the right to be called my dad”… and he never really pursued the relationship.
When we see each other it is a nice chat but not a reconnection of dad and daughter. It is always a hole and a great void for me. God has healed a lot of the ‘pain’ surrounding the father/daughter relationship.

I have learned to lean on ‘God the Father’.

I have a few memento’s of my dad and I did get a beautiful iron gate from him when Mary was here dying on hospice.

It was my thank you from him for all the difficult work we had to deal with.

It is with great sadness and heavy heart that now we not only deal with the pending death of mom O. At the same time we may be facing the illness and possible death of my dad in the months to come.

I know God will not give us more than we can bear so I am praying for strength, stamina and courage. To move forward in the new directions of life’s journey.

(The above picture is part of my gate with dad’s signature on it)