by Sharon O | May 1, 2018 | Uncategorized
After my last writing I asked my husband what he thought about it.
I wasn’t sure where to go next, since the writings about the family story has ended; and I didn’t have a clear new direction.
He said with great enthusiasm and firmness, “That is the way I like to see you write. You do your best when you write from your heart.”
I have tried to write honestly while gently opening up some of the hurt and pain of growing up.
It is a challenge to paint the pictures with words so that those who are reading can sense or feel the scenes in a very real way.
Recently I have joined a professional writer’s group and one of the comments they said is this,
“If you have been given a message from God you can’t bless anyone if you don’t speak it.”
That was such an encouragement for me.
It was like a tall glass of refreshing water on a hot day.
I want to write and feel that it has been a gift given to me, but at the same time I don’t want to keep repeating the same stories over and over.
It is my heart’s desire to share life with the readers who choose to read in this space.
The writer’s group said, “you have been asked to share your message, so how are you going to do it?”
What a challenging question. To write within a conversation with those who are reading.
Telling a story that brings not only a ray of hope in a world that doesn’t offer it and also a vision of life changing truth.
The writer’s group said, “This is why it matters. When you write with your real authentic self, when you have fun with your words and be yourself, you will have readers that will return over and over.”
That is my hope. To tell the stories from my perspective, without causing harm.
If it’s real, and raw and close to your heart, the sharing will come natural.
That is my prayer.
“Never be ashamed of a scar, it simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.”
by Sharon O | Apr 28, 2018 | Uncategorized
Now that I have shared part of my story, I think it let’s the reader know a little more about me.
The other idea I have come to terms with lately is the aspect of DNA… and connection.
My husband and I did a test that let’s a person know their DNA and where the family tree fits.
It is very interesting to see how generations of ‘family’ traveled to different regions.
It also shows the make-up of their heritage. For instance we are Irish, Scottish and some German.
With a little bit of other people groups thrown in there.
My husband’s family is made up of other people group’s much different than we thought, it is very fascinating to look at the data.
When I first met my dad, I was amazed as was my husband, how much I was like him.
Not being raised by him, not seeing him every day, I still had mannerisms and character traits that were very similar to his, even a bit of his humor.
We were related because of genetics and I was my dad’s daughter on many levels.
My husband and I often would joke about how stubborn I was, or how determined.
But it was another confirmation of ‘dad’ that I carried within me.
His ‘strong’ will and determination, took him to many places with different results.
I have often heard of stories of twins who were separated at birth, yet when they found each other they had made very similar ‘life patterns and choices.’
Genetics play a huge role in that.
I guess we can say the same ‘concept’ could apply to God as our ‘spiritual’ father; since we are uniquely made in his image with his ‘heart’ print placed upon us.
In Psalm 139 the words say: ”
[13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.]
Isn’t it both amazing and wonderful to see and understand the genetic aspect of who we are?
I find it interesting and not only that, I find it to be a wonderful confirmation for me.
God knew us before we were even a tiny thought in our parents eyes and heart.
He formed us, and knitted us together to be the unique person we were to become.
That is definitely ‘something to think about.’
by Sharon O | Apr 24, 2018 | Uncategorized
Finishing the story of my parents and their lives together.
After dad passed away there was to be no service, he didn’t want one.
So we grieved in our own way.
Mom continued to get worse in the foster home they lived in, lot’s of times when one spouse passes away the other one is not far behind them; especially if they are older.
She had Parkinson’s and it created a lot of difficulty for her.
Not being able to dress yourself, do bathroom duties, or feed yourself, is a great loss.
She also lost her voice. It was just a very soft whisper and very hard to hear what she wanted to say.
The disease is not kind to the person who has it. It is progressive and damaging to the whole body.
She managed for a short season without dad, then it just was too much for her.
She passed away about a year or so after him.
For the first time, we were without both parents.
Their story was over when they passed away, although it is still a story to be told for the grand children.
I believe dad knew he could not take care of her since he had severe breathing and heart problems.
They started out in their own home, then moved to a variety of apartments and eventually a foster home.
Each move was hard on both of them for it brought the reality of needed care close to home.
As they aged; they both needed care. Although he would not ‘let others’ do anything for him, he wanted her to be cared for and that was part of the decision to move.
Having them pass away was a strange and different ending for me.
It was a closure that was hard and healing at the same time.
Letting go of the wounds of the past and moving forward to a place of peace.
That is what I want to leave in this writing.
There is peace within the grief.
I know in my heart they loved each other to the end and that is the rest of the story.
by Sharon O | Apr 20, 2018 | Uncategorized
God does not allow things in our past as an accident, HE desires us to use our past for a better purpose in the future.
When I tell my story about being a daughter without a dad, I know without a doubt there are others listening who can say; “Yes” me too.
It is an identifying connection.
I am glad my parents got together in their aging years and stayed true to each other.
Did it discount the years they were not together?
Absolutely not. But it did heal some of those years for them.
The last time I saw my dad, he was in a hospital bed resting.
He had been very ill and we were not sure how long we would actually have with him.
I kind of felt in my heart it would be my last time seeing him.
He was resting and perhaps sleeping, and I didn’t want to bother him.
Sort of the theme for us, he didn’t bother me very much and I didn’t bother him.
Looking back I could have done some things differently.
I also know my dad was a stubborn old cowboy and didn’t allow others to edge in his space, he was private and also careful of his ‘thoughts or feelings’.
At least that is my experience.
Only a few times did I hear him say, “love ya” … while giving me a hug.
I couldn’t quite take it in and I didn’t really know what to do with it.
The little girl who was always watching and waiting for some ‘connection’, just couldn’t fit the puzzle pieces together.
(Yes I was an adult but the lessons of the past do affect us even if we heal them.)
It is my belief that if we don’t allow deep healing; it will follow us till we take the time to heal those wounded places. It is not easy but very necessary.
I did forgive my dad in my own way. Even if… I never understood why he left.
I wanted to move past the question and stay within the truth of what I knew.
He came back. They remarried. They grew old together. (found this photo hope it’s ok to use it)
It was a love story that was both confusing and healing.
I am very glad I saw him in his aging years so I didn’t have to keep guessing how he was.
It allowed me to do closure. When he passed away the story was over and it was good.
What I know for sure, HE loved… the only way he knew how.
It was limited and it was guarded.
We had an understanding between us and it was peaceful and calm.
I am my father’s daughter. I was loved from a distance and I think for now that is ok.
I will always count those times spent together as a wonderful memory
When we lived in the country there was a season in time where he would come visit us.
It was both good and strange to see him drive up the driveway.
I also have the letters that he sent, the cards in his hand writing, as very special and I will always miss him. He was dad. My dad. Our dad and grandpa to my children.
by Sharon O | Apr 18, 2018 | Uncategorized
The long lasting impact of a hurting heart is protection and internal decisions.
When our dad left we were left to fend for ourselves in whatever way that might mean for us.
Growing up without a dad was hard, I grew up with no male ‘opinions’, no daddy affirmations or words of praise.
Now to be fair if he had stayed I might not have heard those words from him either; but having him gone left it as a known emptiness.
I could not fill in the blanks and the only words I heard; were from our mother which was not often very helpful or encouraging.
As a young person growing up I did not feel valued or even wanted at times.
There were grandparents who cared, even that was pretty limited.
Oh our mother loved us, but her inability to share that was really hard on a child’s heart that is already broken.
I navigated through the pre-teen and teen years and the growing up without a dad’s internal voice in my head and heart.
I determined in my heart that I would stay protected and walled off so that no other pain could enter.
That only worked for a short amount of time, till something deeper came along.
It has always been a daddy wound for me, to not have him present at my wedding, or children’s birth or times when I was very sick and wanted him near.
He was gone and absent and I had to navigate life as a daughter without a dad.
We did end up meeting in my living room when I was in my mid thirties.
I was cautious and careful tiptoeing around conversations and topics. It was like a dream I could never allow myself to think about.
He was a nice man, I am sure looking back at it now, it was probably hard on him too; to meet after so many years.
I don’t know if he felt bad for leaving, I guess I either thought it wasn’t important or perhaps; I didn’t want to hear the reason why, so I never asked him.
After all the years lost between us it really didn’t matter.
He was present in our lives for many years as an older dad. He even remarried our mother.
It was a love between them that never left, and strange as the story is, they remained
married and I think happy, well into their 80’s, dependent on each other till death parted them as it says in the wedding vows.
It is a very interesting story and very important too.
I grew up without my dad’s love. I didn’t feel it, learn it or receive it.
For a daughter that is a big void. Even as an adult I never had his ‘input’ in my life.
I guess that is one of the reasons when I sing the song in church, “your a good good father,” it brings me to tears.
For I can sing it with a knowing… that the song is true and real, God has been good to me.
I am able to put my hand on my heart and sing, “your a good good father, that’s who you are, and I’m loved by you, that’s who I am.”
My identity and dna is my dad’s daughter. My spiritual identity is the father’s daughter.
This is my story and the reason why I write.
