Select Page

Fathers day reflections

by | May 21, 2016 | Uncategorized

Today would have been my dad’s birthday..HPIM1048
He was born in 1927 a long time ago. He saw many changes in the world he was born in.
He was a cowboy and a good one too, and was well known in the area where he lived, a sheep shearer, auctioneer.
He was one of the best and many people knew his name.
I have shared on this blog how, when we were little he left us. It was always a hard thing to realize he was gone.
As far as we knew he just went somewhere.
They were married about 10 years and then, he was gone, just drove away not knowing if he would ever return.
Soon our reality came to be, just our mom and us little girls.
I never went through a lot of blame and anger or accusations or bitterness. I just grew up without a Father’s love.
That impacts a little girl. She learns confidence from her dad, she learns many things from a dad who walks beside her.
When he was gone we had to fill in our own gaps, of self esteem, of hope and life lessons.
Kind of hard when you are a little girl, confused and not always capable of understanding adult decisions and choices.
I would love to have given him cards and gifts, throughout the years.
I couldn’t as we didn’t really know what he was up to or where he lived.
Questions followed me for years, as to why a dad would leave?
Feelings felt deep within could never be shared or felt.
Crying was not ok in our home. The deep sorrow and sense of loss, were hidden very deep and life was hard for us as we began a new life without him.
Sometimes I remember having the thoughts of ‘was I not important enough?’ for him to stay and be with us.
I know it was the thoughts of a child, but abandonment reaches deep inside the core of who we are, and teaches lessons we were never supposed to learn.
We were left unprotected and vulnerable. I don’t know why it has never angered me, I learned after years of therapy, I didn’t need to know the reason why he left our little home.
Our mother was lost and confused herself so she really couldn’t reach out to us, her three little children.
She managed. We had grandparents too who helped, but that could not fill the void of a dad who was never there.
Years went by, many schools, many experiences and many birthdays, came and went.
Dad’s birthday is the same as Father’s day to me. His day, his time to be special.
Only we had a day in May and then a day in June, filled with a quiet time of reflection.
No celebrations. No cards or gifts. Later on as he grew older he entered back into our lives.
They even remarried. The first love never left, it was just put on hold.
I could send him a card then, and even call. It was nice to say ‘Happy birthday dad.’
For the first time in years we could build a relationship as adults.
I can’t do that now. He passed away three years ago. The deep loss returned only this time it was more resolved.
They were living in an assisted living home together.
It was hard for him to give up his independence, but he did it for her.
Life changed for them by the time they were in their 80’s their bodies were broken and worn, and the energy just to survive was all they could gather, and between the two of them they needed caregiving in a secure setting. 
Today I wish to say Happy Birthday dad. It is your day, just like Father’s day. A day to reflect and remember.
I learned to forgive and heal and grasp hold of the memories of a dad I had come to know, but perhaps HE was the one who gave me a gift.forgiveness-b
When he healed my heart.heart-for-blog.

Reflection on Mother’s day

by | May 10, 2016 | Uncategorized

This was my second year without a mother. DSCN1032DSCN1032IMG_3462.
She died two years ago from a terrible condition called Parkinson’s disease.
It takes so much away from the ‘one who is ill.’ She managed it for a few years until it got more than she could handle and my dad was pretty weak.
So they ended up in an assisted living home. It was a big sacrifice for my dad as he was a cowboy who loved to be outside.
He had COPD and couldn’t breathe without oxygen, and then he got congestive heart failure.
So for them to be in a care setting was both safe and good for them.
Although he grumbled about the food, and the ladies who lived there. Most of the time ladies are the one’s who are in these places since they tend to live longer.
Mom progressively got worse and got to the point of needing help in standing, walking, feeding and bathroom duties.
It was very different to see her so dependent on others.mom alone (2) She could stand but not for long, she could walk using a wheeled walker with hand brakes, although she would often forget the brakes needed to push down in order to work. She could talk in little whispers, and she sometimes had a very funny personality which was a new ‘experience for us’.
When we were growing up as little ‘kids and older’, she made it very clear to us she didn’t like animals. Didn’t like the hair or the mess.
So when she became older in these care homes, she softened and began to be both fond of and fascinated by the house dogs.
They had two pugs that were slightly round. Very sweet and very friendly.
When I realized the fact that she liked them, I began the process of knowing she was not the same mother I have known.
Parkinson’s took a lot of who she was away, and most of the time she could not process the words she wanted to share.
We would ask her, “do you like the dogs?” and she would say, “yes”.
Not a lot of chatter just a  simple answer to the question.
mom 2013 with Pug
My husband lost his mom 6 year’s ago. My mom left two years ago, we don’t have our dad’s either.
So Father’s day and Mother’s day are just not the same now, even though we are parents and grand parents.
It is different. Each year brings new and old memories. Our thoughts drift back to years ago when it used to be a big deal
to present the mom’s with pansies and viola’s and geraniums too.
It became a tradition until it wasn’t anymore.
DSCN1030DSCN1034

A reason for the word

by | May 2, 2016 | Uncategorized

Three weeks ago we were in the hospital, I was viewing this as I waited for my husband to come out of surgery.
IMG_1181 [737541] view 1
The mountains and the valleys are beautiful where we live and it was a nice ‘change from the hospital walls’.
view two
He is doing well, his leg is healing, he had a set back with a major infection but that is healing and I think it is a time for us to move forward with our retirement plans.
Anytime someone is in the hospital there is a certain amount of stress. Also a change of routine and schedules.
I ate foods I normally would not eat the first day and part of the second day I took my own snacks.
He came home with a walker, cane and not much of an appetite.
Drugs have a way of doing that, which could be good except they also can be upsetting.
I know I am not one who can take strong medications, I have a high pain tolerance and usually do fine.
Our next plan is to get him driving as he doesn’t really like mine.
Then we will go see some travel trailers or motor homes.
Once we settle on the camping type rig we like, it will be fun to go and enjoy some time away.
Soon summer will be here and the grandchildren will be out of school.
We don’t have to wait any more for the weekend.
He retired and so we are free to go anytime we choose.
reveal
The Lord has been showing me many reasons why my word of the year turned out to be reveal.
I will share as I get more ‘information and validation.’ It is very clear there was a reason for this word.

A few pictures

by | Apr 24, 2016 | Uncategorized

depoe bay b our Oregon coast.
fall drive c Our valleys and vineyards
beautiful tree A few old trees
IMG_3603 A covered bridge
meal-time.-mommy-and-baby-bird A bird family
july-2011-033 A picture {can you see it?}
beach The beach
Oregon-by-Shelley-Collis A green valley

Resting and re-grouping

by | Apr 21, 2016 | Uncategorized

This last week or two have been quite the interesting ones.
My husband had a full knee replacement surgery. It went well other than a few glitches and issues.
He is recovering as far as the knee goes, he can bend it and it is healing properly.
The new problem is an infection and that is being treated very aggressively.
Prayers and good antibiotics have helped in this process.
The thing he has to do now is rest and let the healing take the time to do what it needs to do.
I know it’s hard but he has no choice.
Next week the 29 staples will be removed and he can learn to bend again without pain.
Before his surgery he was given a day of fun. He had a two hour flight scheduled out of Hillsboro and it was just what he needed.
DSCN0845
They took off in a small plane and decided to go up and over Mt Hood. Before doing that they flew over our house and neighborhood.
IMG_0276 [716687]
The views from up high are way different that what we see below.
IMG_0275 [716686]
This is a field by his old work site. It looks totally different from the level of a car.
They flew over Portland and the city buildings were amazing I don’t have those pictures yet.
They flew over the Oregon City bridge and water area, he said it was amazing.
IMG_1120 [716683]
The day was beautiful and sunny. They had clear skies with fluffy clouds. Heading to Mt Hood it was beautiful and majestic.
IMG_1173 [710188]
The majesty and glorious mountain covered in snow, with rugged beauty.
IMG_1167 [710191]
Our God is so amazing to create such beauty and power in a mountain. Very much like Mt St Helen’s before the volcano changed it’s look.
IMG_1176 [710187]
IMG_1170 [710190]
IMG_1177 [710186]
When he came out of the sky and back onto land his smile was wide and he was so happy.
It was a gift of a lifetime.
DSCN0872
As soon as he could he was ready to share the stories and pictures to anyone who wanted to see them.

Secret Link