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Today would have been my dad’s birthday..HPIM1048
He was born in 1927 a long time ago. He saw many changes in the world he was born in.
He was a cowboy and a good one too, and was well known in the area where he lived, a sheep shearer, auctioneer.
He was one of the best and many people knew his name.
I have shared on this blog how, when we were little he left us. It was always a hard thing to realize he was gone.
As far as we knew he just went somewhere.
They were married about 10 years and then, he was gone, just drove away not knowing if he would ever return.
Soon our reality came to be, just our mom and us little girls.
I never went through a lot of blame and anger or accusations or bitterness. I just grew up without a Father’s love.
That impacts a little girl. She learns confidence from her dad, she learns many things from a dad who walks beside her.
When he was gone we had to fill in our own gaps, of self esteem, of hope and life lessons.
Kind of hard when you are a little girl, confused and not always capable of understanding adult decisions and choices.
I would love to have given him cards and gifts, throughout the years.
I couldn’t as we didn’t really know what he was up to or where he lived.
Questions followed me for years, as to why a dad would leave?
Feelings felt deep within could never be shared or felt.
Crying was not ok in our home. The deep sorrow and sense of loss, were hidden very deep and life was hard for us as we began a new life without him.
Sometimes I remember having the thoughts of ‘was I not important enough?’ for him to stay and be with us.
I know it was the thoughts of a child, but abandonment reaches deep inside the core of who we are, and teaches lessons we were never supposed to learn.
We were left unprotected and vulnerable. I don’t know why it has never angered me, I learned after years of therapy, I didn’t need to know the reason why he left our little home.
Our mother was lost and confused herself so she really couldn’t reach out to us, her three little children.
She managed. We had grandparents too who helped, but that could not fill the void of a dad who was never there.
Years went by, many schools, many experiences and many birthdays, came and went.
Dad’s birthday is the same as Father’s day to me. His day, his time to be special.
Only we had a day in May and then a day in June, filled with a quiet time of reflection.
No celebrations. No cards or gifts. Later on as he grew older he entered back into our lives.
They even remarried. The first love never left, it was just put on hold.
I could send him a card then, and even call. It was nice to say ‘Happy birthday dad.’
For the first time in years we could build a relationship as adults.
I can’t do that now. He passed away three years ago. The deep loss returned only this time it was more resolved.
They were living in an assisted living home together.
It was hard for him to give up his independence, but he did it for her.
Life changed for them by the time they were in their 80’s their bodies were broken and worn, and the energy just to survive was all they could gather, and between the two of them they needed caregiving in a secure setting. 
Today I wish to say Happy Birthday dad. It is your day, just like Father’s day. A day to reflect and remember.
I learned to forgive and heal and grasp hold of the memories of a dad I had come to know, but perhaps HE was the one who gave me a gift.forgiveness-b
When he healed my heart.heart-for-blog.