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Today is a birthday to remember

Today is a birthday to remember.
Today would have been my dad’s birthday.
I don’t remember any birthday’s spent with him.
It’s hard for me to imagine or even say that.
He was not in my life for many years and then when he returned, he lived very far away.
It was not a convenient drive to see him, it was miles of traveling to get there.
He was not a man who would enjoy parties or festivities in his honor.
I am sure I sent him a few cards throughout the years, but they are long gone by now.
Birthday’s are funny things, for many of us.
As you get older it is just another day, another spot on the calendar.
I have made a wonderful chocolate cake and I have celebrated a few birthdays with it.
In fact I am making one tomorrow for a Sunday gathering.
My dad might have liked that one, I don’t know.
There are many things I don’t know about him.
Did he even like chocolate?
He was a cowboy. He was strong in his opinions. He cared deeply but never really showed it.
He loved dogs. Not so much a cat person.
I remember one time when we were together.
I wanted some ‘cat tails, and thistle’ and he stopped alongside the road and picked me some.
But oh did he complain about it with my husband, “who would want those things?”
Around the fields and farms they were every where.
My original ones got ruined by my cats; so we picked me a few new ones a few years ago.
When we were back in the area where they grew.
I think of dad every time I see them in my kitchen window.
He was a cowboy. He did farm work for many years, he used to be an auctioneer.
He did welding for many of the neighbors when he lived at the coast.
He pretty much taught himself many trades.
Happy Birthday dad.
Today is a birthday to remember.

There was a challenge on a writing site

There was a challenge on a writing site to write about six different words and then post the daily writings on Instagram.
I don’t use Instagram like that.
I do post there; but it is usually pictures of my cats or flowers or assorted things around the house.
The word I have chosen to write about, after a lot of thinking… is Middle.
She was the middle child.
Second born girl out of three.
I had an older sister, and then a middle sister and I was the youngest.
She was by nature a lost child.
A bit rebellious and maybe in today’s term, troubled.
She as also funny, and caring and confusing.
In today’s world of children she would be attention deficit or a slower learner.
I am glad she wasn’t labeled. She had enough issues to deal with; a ‘label’ would just make them worse.
School was never easy for her and she had no interest in academics.
Junior high and high school was just nothing, not important and she didn’t care.
She didn’t graduate or finish high school. She ran to the streets instead.
They became her family.
Drugs became a friend and an enemy and how she survived them is miracle.
I would see her a few times a year, usually around Christmas and she would stay till her birthday, a few months later.
We were close and when she was gone, she would would often call me, and then I would have to tell our mother her news.
It wasn’t easy for me to be ‘in the middle’… I got the responses after being the bearer of bad news.
It was hard to be the one telling.
I missed her often and so many days and nights; I would look out my window and wonder.
If she was dead or alive.
She was living the words spoken to her. No one expected anything from her and she did not disappoint that expectation.
She actually didn’t have a huge chance at becoming more, it just wasn’t in her ability.
I actually don’t know if given the chance; if she would have proved herself able and praiseworthy.
I do remember she was good at math, and it was amazing to watch her figure it all out.
She was smart on some levels, and simple on many others.
She was funny and pretty and caring, she had thick dark hair and I was very jealous.
She went through many difficult and hard moments in her life and survived them too.
She eventually met a man who loved her deeply and accepted her daughters as his own.
She fell back into the alcoholic life as she aged; and one more time we rescued her again.
Over coming her ‘inner self’ was too hard. We did what we could to protect her, but it wasn’t enough.
She passed away a few years ago.
She was the middle child; the second born of three daughters.
There was a challenge on a writing site about six different words; and I chose the word – middle.

Another Mothers day is here and we celebrate

Another mothers day is here and we celebrate mothers all over the area.
I remember going to church on this day; and watching the uncomfortable stirring of moms in the pews.
The pastor being insensitive to moms who have lost their children, or who never had any of their own.
Then he would say, “stand up” if you are a mother.
I often felt like it was a slap because for many in recovery, maybe mom was not a good warm feeling.
Maybe this day brings all kinds of deep feelings that try to be buried.
It is a process always.
I often told my own children if they needed therapy to send me the bill, because I would probably be the topic.
To be a mom is a privilege that some don’t get to experience.
Maybe the desire to be a mom is so deeply rooted it has caused a bitter root to grow.
I have known those who have ached for that tiny little gift to be born.
I think we need to be really sensitive on these kinds of days.
I don’t like the expectations of this ‘holiday’.
I remember when we were young married and doing the ‘must do’ list.
We would go buy flowers for my mom, his mom and my grandma.
That was expected and although appreciated; it kind of took the surprise away.
My husband has learned throughout the years, do not do anything over the top for mothers day.
One year HE DID surprise me; and we got all dressed up and went downtown Portland for a very large brunch.
It was nice, but now he knows I am not a crowd person.
I would much rather have scrambled eggs and coffee at home.
I remember standing at the card section for many years trying to find the ‘right’ card.
Never could. The flowery prose was just not my experience.
I told my counselor one time that someone needs to create ‘cards for those in recovery’.
The words just never matched the feelings.
I would finally settle for a flower on the outside, with few words as possible.
How sad, but it was truth.
My experience was not a rose colored picture.
I am very proud of my son and my daughter, and all of their children who call me grandma.
It is something I never get tired of hearing.
If you are a mom reading this, take some time for YOU today.
Another mothers day is here and we celebrate mothers all over the area..

I love to read the promises of God

I love to read the promises of God.
11 For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope.
12 Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you.
13 When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart,
14 I will let you find me, says the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.
Jeremiah 29
I love the promises that show us His compassion and concern for us.
Read it again, [surely I KNOW the plans I have for you]
[Plans for your welfare…(safety) and not for harm, to give you a future with hope.]
But there is a condition that is mentioned.
[When you search for me, you will find me; IF you seek me with all your heart.]
Then a promise again.
[I will let you find me, and restore your fortunes and gather you from everywhere] My editing.
Plus HE says He will hear us. Don’t we all want someone to just listen?
It is so easy and so manageable.
SEEK HIM and search for Him and HE IS always available.
I find this such a comfort and such an easy promise to grasp.
The conditions are not that hard.
The direction is very clear and the promises are very solid.
He says, YOU do your part and I will do mine.
Hope is a big word within the Bible. If we do not have hope we have very little to stand firm on.
It is found 202 times and as I did a quick search I found another wonderful promise.
[and you will have confidence, because there is hope; you will be protected and take your rest in safety.]
Job 11:18
I find these words to be very comforting and solid.
There is a plan and there is a concern; we just have to trust.
I love to read the promises of God and allow myself to take them into my heart.

In life one of the most important things

In life one of the most important things that matter the most to us, is something we so often don’t even think about.
It’s our breath.
The capacity to breathe in and breathe out.
Genesis 2:7 then the Lord God formed man from the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life,
and the man became a living being.
Ezekiel 37:5 Thus says the Lord God to these bone: I will cause breath to enter you and you shall live.
It is so important yet we often don’t think about it.
Every day we wake up and breathe, and then go to sleep and still breathe, not even noticing the rise and fall of our lungs.
In church we sing a song that says, “It’s your breath in our lungs, and we pour out our praise.”
I really thought about that when my dad had COPD and was on oxygen.
It allowed him to breathe more intensely and in comfort.
I also remember the only two times in life we record the taking of breath is in life and in death.
When a baby is born, the clock is noticed and recorded. When someone dies, the clock is noticed and recorded.
Time of life and time of death.
Mark 15:39 Then Jesus gave a loud cry and breathed his last breath.
The bible talks about breath 109 times.
God has the power and the ability to create breath or remove it.
The testimony that breath is so important was noticed, in the New Testament after Jesus came back to the disciples,
John 20:22 When Jesus said this, he breathed on them and said to them, ‘receive the Holy Spirit’.
It was a power given through breath.
In life one of the most important things that matter the most to us, is our breath.

When you rest your sleep will be sweet

When you rest your sleep will be sweet.
Proverbs 3:24 gives us this promise.
When you lie down, you need not to be afraid, when you rest, your sleep will be sweet.
Have you ever had a nights sleep where you woke up and felt so unsteady, so unsettled and not rested?
I think we all have had those nights.
I tend to do this occasionally if my blood sugar is acting up.
I can feel my heart race, my feet hurt, my mind is going a hundred miles an hour it seems.
Oh my we get ourselves into a tizzy sometimes.
I have found if I have a glass of wine about an hour before I go to sleep, I sleep very well.
Now I know they say not to do that, but it’s organic healthy, no sugar and no sulfites.
I cannot have ice cream or other treats because I am pre-diabetic, but the glass of wine relaxes me.
(Don’t worry, my doctor knows about it.)
In my past before I was married, going back a LONG time, I used to not like night time.
It was not safe for me and I tended to sleep very restless.
When you are used to a trauma filled environment; even when it is not present, it can still affect your rest.
I am healed now and it took me YEARS to figure out how to fall asleep and stay that way.
A good routine is helpful. A quiet cool room is helpful too.
We just purchased a new mattress that is amazing and we have cool crispy sheets and a soft comforter too.
Anything one can do to get that rest our bodies need.
I am not into pills, for a while I had a prescription while I was in therapy, but I did not like the way it made me feel.
I like the promise, ‘when you lie down’… not IF… but when.
Because we all know… we must stop and rest our bodies.
I am not one for napping although sometimes it would be a welcome addition to my day.
We have a massage bed and if I am feeling the need to rest, I lay down on that and it works well.
It is a 45 minute warm massage and just what my body needed.
I also like the words ‘your sleep will be sweet’.
What an amazing promise. Sweet gentle sleep.
[When you lie down, you need not to be afraid, when you rest, your sleep will be sweet.]