by Sharon O | Sep 20, 2014 | Uncategorized
I hold in my memory and in my heart many things.
One year ago in the early morning hours I received the kind of phone call no one wants to hear especially when you are sound asleep.
I listened to the voice on the other end of the phone line as I stirred myself to wake up.
My dad had passed away sitting in the quiet of the foster care home.
I remember how I curled in a ball in the bed as my husband held me.
I had just seen him a few days earlier in the hospital not feeling or breathing well with iv’s and oxygen closely monitored.
When I left I didn’t say good bye to him as he was resting and didn’t want to disturb him.
Maybe I should have.
My counselor always said to me, should cannot be in a recovery ‘dialogue’ or thought process.
Should brings forward obligation, guilt, remorse, regret and shame.
“I should have said good bye and now the opportunity is over.
I will never be able to do that.”
What does that sound like?
Shame or regret or sorrow or… you fill in the blank.
I didn’t say good bye because he knew I was there and he knew I cared and he was uncomfortable and needed his rest.
Ever have the feeling when leaving someone that it might be the last time you see them?
Yeah me too.
If given the chance what would I say to him now?
I would sit next to his chair and hold his fragile hand in mine and then say:
“I know our relationship was not close.
I also know in my heart you understood me on some level.
We missed many years together and many important events that could have been shared and that was a great loss for both of us.
You were not there.
You didn’t see me graduate from high school or walk me down the aisle at my wedding.
You were not there when your grand children were born.
You weren’t there when I was sick for many, many years and needed a dad to talk to, to be encouraged by and to just have in my life.
I am not saying this to shame you or hurt your heart.
I am just saying on many levels I didn’t know or experience my fathers love.
I think at one point in time you told me you loved me but I remained cautious and didn’t let it in too close.
Now it is clear to me your past and the lack of knowing how to be in a relationship was deeply embedded in you.
It was not your fault. It was what you learned.
You can’t give what you don’t know.
I am sorry for both of us and I forgive you.”
Then I would hug him and let him go home for he would be very tired.
I live with the knowing that I didn’t say goodbye.
I hold in my heart the older years of his life.
We missed many years together but I hold onto the gift of some
and they will always be treasures to me.
by Sharon O | Sep 15, 2014 | Uncategorized
Grief is not a state but a process… like a walk in a winding valley with a new prospect at every bend. ~ C.S. Lewis ~
I have been thinking a lot about those who we have lost in the last few years.
Mom’s and dad’s and good friends too… adored pets have joined that journey of leaving us.
Grief is a process.
It is embedded in memory, in songs, in smells, in dreams.
It is when one makes a special meal ‘you once shared’ with another.
It is a conversation you knew to be special.
It is a blanket or a warm sweater that ‘they wore’ or their favorite book or hat or cane.
It is remembering a time when you all laughed or cried together.
We have lost a lot this year.
Like the leaves on the ground who are beginning to fall.
We remember… in pieces.
In fragments.
Disjointed and scattered, oh in time the pain lessens.
That doesn’t mean you didn’t love or miss them.
It just means our hearts are not raw any more.
I was thinking of my dad today.
He left us last September.
Almost a year ago I was in the hospital with him along with other family members.
He was uncomfortable but able to say, “I want a doughnut.”
A diabetic can’t have that but he knew how to manage the sugar and
he loved a maple bar and my sister bought him some.
You don’t deny something from someone who is dying.
My dad was kind of a mystery to me.
He didn’t let others in too close but as he grew older and sicker that wall lowered
and he shared some things with a few who were near to him.
They talked of matters of the heart issues and requests made to be honored.
I remember the first time he came to my house when I lived in the country it was strange to see my dad drive up the long driveway for a visit.
He wanted to spend time with us and I had to take that into my heart very slowly.
He brought with him his big dog and always his ‘humor’.
It will always be a precious memory for me having dinner with my dad while we sat outside on the deck.
All we have now are memories.
My husband and I have lost our parents.
His dad left last March, my dad in September of the same year.
My mom in June of this year and other friends too in the last few months.
My husband lost a brother and his mom passed from us four years ago a few days before Mothers day.
The hardest part of someone leaving is saying good bye and sometimes you don’t get that chance.
It is a process… a journey.
Sometimes very expected and other times the news is shocking to our heart.
We say good bye in layers for we know grief is a process.
Because we know when you love from your heart
it is never easy to let go.
by Sharon O | Sep 12, 2014 | Uncategorized
It brings about a sense of anticipation.
When someone says, “are you ready?”
Either we are going to go somewhere that is fun and exciting or
we are going to do something not so fun like the dentist or doctor.
The other choice is what my neighbor just did when she was ready for a new baby to be born.
Ready … it sounds like an action word.
Dictionary.com says it is to be willing, completely prepared for immediate action.
Prompt with a state of readiness.
When someone says it to me I get anxious.
Like I am expected to ‘do or say or perform or understand’.
It is anticipatory to action.
Are you ready?
It is a question of the heart on many levels.
It can be something very simple like, are you ready for school
or difficult like are you ready to understand and forgive.
It is alert, acute, sharp, prepared.
As in a race when the racers are bent low to gain speed when
the person calling out saying to them, “Ready, set, Go.”
We have all seen this kind of excitement.
I think every morning when we rise for a new day
we should get in the habit of choosing to say to ourselves.
Are you ready?
Then begin with a clean slate and a new anticipation of what is ahead of us.
by Sharon O | Sep 10, 2014 | Uncategorized
I have yet to finish the series on the basket of words.
Fall will soon be here and there will be new stories of tradition and thoughts to share.
Words have meaning when we take the time to explore them.
The basket of words has been something that stirred within me.
The Lord was leading me into this direction then life brought a few distractions.
My mother passed away and also three friends of our family.
My thoughts have been a mixture of many things on many levels.
I will continue this journey.
The encouragement I have received from many of you has been a blessing and good for my spirit.
Thank-you for walking alongside this little blog and the one who writes it.
This journey has been long, and intimate and challenging and good.
Let us continue what we began.
The basket of words.
by Sharon O | Sep 5, 2014 | Uncategorized
Joining Friday’s community.
Write for five minutes without editing.
I listen closely as the words were softly said to me.
It was a strain and a stretch my ears could not hear the hushed tones spoken from another.
Since I had the mumps a few years ago one of my ears does not hear as well as it is used to.
Often times words are missed.
Yet in this frustration the quiet and the hushed tones are a gift to me sometimes even without me knowing it.
Moving away from the loud voices surrounding our world the quiet is nice, refreshing…delightful at times.
It is very similar when one is walking outside among the rustling of the leaves in the wind or as I walk near the waves of the ocean on the sandy beach.
They each have a whisper to them bringing life and hope.
I call it a voice of their own.
Hushed tones are often private.
Not meant for everyone to hear.
Whispers in secret even God did that to a few who followed closely.
Whisper ~ it is a gentle soft word.
Not loud. Not intrusive. Not invading one’s space like loud noises.
Shh ~~ there was the horse whisperer, the dog whisperer, a baby whisperer.
Shall we include a ‘Holy Spirit’ whisperer to the quiet places in our heart?
I listen closely to the soft words spoken to me and I lean in to listen.
Then I know what was missed the first time and I tune my ears to what is needed to hear.
