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When you can’t say good bye in person during the process of someone dying, it is a strange thing for your heart.
My sister passed away a few weeks ago.
I saw her about a year ago, I meant to go back and visit and never did, I called and talked to her on the phone.
Then she fell and hurt her hip, a crack or a break that lead to a hospital stay.
More care needed for her and then a move to a family members house.
I didn’t see her after that. I couldn’t.
It was a good bye that I didn’t know was coming.
We were close all our lives. I am shaken by her death, numb and then feeling the loss. Numb and then feeling.
Remembering so many times that we shared. Good times, sweet and funny times. And a few grumpy ones too, it wasn’t always perfect.
What does one do with a memory of memories? Can they be stored in your mind for future reference?
I think we tend to forget some things after time.
She was at times grumpy. When she was at our home in 2006 detoxing from a horrendous amount of alcohol, she wasn’t always nice.
I gave her grace, because even then she was dying.
She was medicated enough to help her brain heal. Her doctor helped a lot and we did the rest.
She lived and stayed healthy for years from 2006-2019 I guess that is a blessing.
There would be a moment in time her ‘nine’ lives would run out.
I would often tease her about her ever ready battery she plugged in at night.
She kept on going just like that ever ready bunny… till she couldn’t.
When you can’t say good bye in person you are forced to fill in the blanks by yourself and that is not often a good thing.
Your heart wants closure and you can’t find it.
I look at pictures and I remember.
I read letters and cards and remember.
Grief is like that. A room full of memories.
I have entered the room of grief and I will let myself stay there, off and on.
Then close the door gently till the next time I need to enter and sit.