I was struggling this week in prayer asking what should be the next word in this series of words.
The first word was courage.
The second word was willingness
The third word was trust
The fourth word was tenderness
It came to me that the fifth word would be power.
Dictionary.com says: it is incapacity, weakness and characteristic of those having authority or influence.
It could be to inspire; spur or sustain as in
a strong faith in a divine goodness powers his life.
But in this instance and for this writing we are not going towards the positive aspects of the word we are exploring the negative.
The power to bring another person down emotionally is very real.
In the recovery process we learn the power and control we lived under was extremely harmful.
When someone has ‘power’ to make you feel something.
They are like the description in the dictionary:
The possession of control or command over others.
controlling ones mind.
Anyone who have ever been in toxic relationships or work places understand this concept.
When I entered into the therapy process I learned that power and control is reason enough to give up or give in and to resign oneself into the ‘truth of what is being told.’
For example: the child who is told they will never amount to anything
usually doesn’t. They begin to believe ‘the untruth’ as reality.
Words have power within them.
They can have the ability to build up a spirit or break it down.
If someone is raised with very negative words eventually that is all they will begin to believe.
In therapy I learned that I was smart, creative, funny and even liked.
Those were very new concepts and thoughts for me as no had ever said those words.
When someone with low self esteem and emotional emptiness tries to fill someone else up they will not be able to build out of what they don’t understand or know.
In therapy I learned I had a hard time believing in compliments.
I doubted them and questioned whether they were talking about me
it was very difficult to take inside my spirit.
As a child there were no words of affirmation spoken to me.
At least none that I remember.
Most of the time I didn’t believe I was capable of ‘writing, or drawing or singing well’ even though I did all three throughout my day.
Realizing now that it is impossible to fill someone when you are not filled yourself.
I place no blame; just say the truth for what it is.
My ability to believe in myself and my value was very low.
When I was asked to write down ‘truths’ about myself in a therapy group.
It was sad and very hard to do.
The power of the negative created a deep depression inside my spirit
and I stayed in that low opinion for years.
In therapy I learned my belief was untrue.
I learned to let go of ‘the negative talk’ and begin to believe
I was capable, smart and able to accomplish something if I really tried hard to use the gifts and abilities that were given to me.
When the heaviness of spirit begin to lift my eyes were opened and I began to see many things in a new way.
I also learned that the power that tore down could be replaced by the power to believe.
When my counselor would say to me, “I have enjoyed our visit today”
my first thought was to push it away.
“He really didn’t mean that, he says that to every one.”
See how I sabotaged my ‘value’?
Recovery from years that were emotionally negative was incredibly hard and even very painful.
At times I still struggle but God is healing me and has healed me layer upon layer.
It has been a journey of truth and deep growth.
The fifth word in this series is power.
For God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love and a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:7