And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin
A few days ago I wrote about your story and what that means.
How we all have a story to tell.
My own journey is deep and full of winding trails of healing and more healing and even more deeper healing. It took years for my heart to hear the reality of what my body already knew to be true. It was a connection. Like a dot to dot on a page that has no image it is only when the dots are met and one begins to draw the real image forming out on the page one can finally see what was not clear in the beginning.
The verse above, speaks of remaining a tight bud.
I believe for many years my heart was a bud that was forged into tightness by the actions and behaviors from others. While pushing back the pain I was feeling my back went out and my neck tightened and I eventually wore a back brace and a neck brace and saw a chiropractor several times a week.
My body remembered traumatic scenes before my mind did.
My body remembered language and touch before my brain did.
I was crushed beneath the weight of the burden of stuffing it all down so others could not ever see the burden I was carrying.
The risk to remain that way was too much. For years my spirit was full of pain and I could not hold it in any longer. The breaking point was when I went into anaphylactic shock more than once for no reason. My body again remembering on the cellular level what my brain could not comprehend at least not yet.
It was more painful and damaging to stay tightly held together.
Slowly the Lord began to loosen the protection of my heart.
In therapy I learned that the fault was not mine.
The blame needed to go to those who did wrong.
The blossoming began very slowly.
My character was becoming whole in small step by step movements orchestrated by a God who knew me deeply.
The healing was deep and the wounding was seen for what it was and then moved into a safe place perhaps to not ever be looked at again in the same way.
There are many deep valleys to the story.
Many places of darkness and trauma began to heal and be replaced with a ‘new’ reality of healing and hope.
The old reality began to be altered into a new one.
Not to discount the old but to acknowledge it for what it was and replace it with a new image. Instead of saying ‘I didn’t matter’ or ‘it didn’t matter’. I have learned to say, “Yes I mattered a lot” and “Yes it did matter to the little girl who was so very sad and alone.”
It is a change of wording and heart condition.
It is a place of deep healing and hope.
It takes courage to examine what formed our thoughts and opinions and it also takes courage to make that first step, that first phone call ~ that first declaration that this cannot be done alone.
Thank you God for the beauty of the blossom.
Thank you God for the beauty of Life as I know it now.
What we call our destiny is truly our character and that character can be altered.
The knowledge that we are responsible for our actions and attitudes does not need to be discouraging, because it also means that we are free to change this destiny. One is not in bondage to the past, which has shaped our feelings, to race, inheritance, background. All this can be altered if we have the courage to examine how it formed us. We can alter the chemistry provided we have the courage to dissect the elements. Anais Nin
( flower photos by marmar_99)