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This time last year we were on a vigil for my mom’s passing.
She was end stage Parkinson’s and also failing to thrive.
It was sad.
She was not the mom I remembered. Not the mom I grew up with.
Her fragile state showed me a more ‘distant’… fragile side of her.
It was hard.
She failed to thrive, could not eat, could not drink and could not sit up by herself or do anything we would want her to do.
She was dying.
I went to see her in between all stars soft ball game for my grand daughter who was in 4th grade.
One scene very full of life, and young people and activity and fun.
Then into a more serene place for the dying.
It was hard to say good bye but I knew it was necessary.
She left in June after weeks of hanging on.
Her heart was strong, her body not so much.
Mothers day this year I am without a mother.
My husbands mom passed away 5 years ago on May 8th.
So neither one of us has a mom.
I am the mom now and the grandma.
I pray I do a good job of it.
I pray I leave a legacy of love and peace and great memories when it’s my time to leave.
This is the first Mother’s day I have no mother.
A strange mixture of feelings of sad, empty and remembering.
She wasn’t always a warm fuzzy mom.
But she was doing the best she could do even if her best was not good, or encouraging or even positive.
This time last year, we were waiting for her to leave and take her final breath.
The finality of words, “it’s over… she passed away in the night.”
Hard words, final words. Cold and pressing into the heart.
She is gone. Forever till we meet in heaven.
Remembering what it was like to say the ‘final’ good-bye.