Be kind

by Sharon O | Mar 22, 2012 | Uncategorized

The reason I posted the last message was to remind us
that often times when stress or tension happens we will react sometimes in a way that is not ‘our normal’ behavior.
Especially if we are tired or we are having a bad ‘internal’ day.
When I saw that little quote it seemed like a good idea to remind us all to be careful and compassionate to those who we are close to.
How many times have we had a ‘moment’ with kids in the car or our spouse and then when we walk into church or another public place we act ‘as if nothing was going on’ 5 minutes earlier.
Someone could say, “Hey how you doing?” and instead of saying
“well not so good” we usually do the polite thing and say we are fine.
Fine is not an answer.
Fine is keeping the truth away.
Fine is perhaps pretending.
Let us remember to hold close those who we care for and be kind to each other.
We don’t realize how important it is for time is a gift for us and
we don’t know when it will be taken away.
I am not saying this for any reason other than as a reminder.
Your loved ones are more important then ‘the neighbors next door or who you work with’.
REMEMBER:
Kindness begins at home.
Ephesians 4:32 
32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. 
Today’s New International Version

Concentrated effort

by Sharon O | Mar 19, 2012 | Uncategorized

The three of us walked into the room and saw him sitting there
resting in his chair with oxygen tubes pumping much needed air into lungs that can’t do their job anymore.
He looked up at me and said, “you’re looking good girl”.
I said back to him, “you are looking good too”.
Thinking that he didn’t look as sick as he really was.
(later my husband said his eyes lit up when I walked into the room)
I stood by his chair for a few minutes then decided to sit on a 4 wheeled walker with hand held brakes that had a height that made me sit with my toes barely touching the floor.
He reached over and made sure the brakes were down so I wouldn’t slip off.
A gesture of kindness I appreciated even from his weakened condition.
At first there were four of us chatting
attempting to get beyond ‘the how are you feeling’ questions.
Then with concentrated effort his jokes began and we chuckled at a few of his choice words.
Humor is always his way of making a moment happen without getting near ‘matters of the heart’.
Relationships are hard for him.
Matters of the heart not easy or normal.
They are mostly caught through a glimpse of his brown eyes and
words
not spoken
or through the moments of silence between those who are sitting in the room with him
along with the muted western tv show on a mid sized screen.
It is the way he is while he waits for this season of life to be over.
We knew he would be tired before we arrived as he had a long morning visiting others.
Fatigue is an enemy when one is very sick.
A failing body doesn’t always give room for moments of grace.
I watched him as he visited with us.
His eyes showing the strain of life leaving and the wrinkles on his face seemed deeper.
His aging hands rested near his chair or lap seemed like they wanted something to do
but could no longer do it.
He drank his container of ensure slowly and
we noticed his legs once filled out now rest in loosely fitted jeans.
His arms showing days of not eating well and his hands are thinning and bruised.
Leukemia and old age are not good combinations for someone who is trying to hold on.
Copd does not help either as the lungs cannot distribute air that should be clean and clear.
The inhaler is just a small help these days.
The oxygen is a comfort and blessing turned up to a higher dose.
His voice now a ‘laryngitis whisper’
sometimes even hard to hear from a good ears perspective.
He concentrated on every word pausing at times to gather strength
or thought.
I will remember it as sweet and endearing time.
When we left I saw his eyes tired and weary.
As I was hugging him and the warmth of his sweater I thought to myself he needed a new shirt on.
Isn’t it funny what we think when we are in the presence of someone very ill.
It took concentrated effort for him to say goodbye.
He was tired and our leaving would bring a time of rest for him at least for a short time without interruption.
It was a good visit with this man we call dad.

Amy Grant – Father’s Eyes

by Sharon O | Mar 9, 2012 | Uncategorized

If I can have anything I want my fathers eyes…
I hope you can listen to this with an open heart and an open acceptance that our ‘fathers eyes’ are gifts we can give to each other. turn your sound on and listen …to the gentle message.

A fathers daughter

by Sharon O | Mar 9, 2012 | Uncategorized

One of the first times my dad and I met as an adult
I was guarded
emotionally and physically.
During the years of our separation walls around my heart were formed
and nothing
would allow the deep loss to show.
I tried to understand how a dad could leave children
but it was nearly impossible for me
especially once my own children were born.
A child carries a deep emptiness when a parent leaves.
Children cannot fill in the gaps so they try to internalize the why and
sometimes they tell themselves it perhaps
was their fault.
The reality is: it is never the fault of the child. 
Adults make choices
and children have to live with those choices.

I remember so many times growing up wondering
if he would be proud of me and why I didn’t matter to him.
I remember so many times looking into crowds at the mall
or rodeos or in a store guessing what he might look like.
It was a loss that was deep and unfinished.
It was like a part of myself was missing.
When I met my dad in my thirties it was a bit surreal and strange.
My body language told him you cannot hurt my heart again.
We visited and I noticed he had humor and was funny.
We kept the conversation far away from real feelings.
My husband later said to me, “You are so much like him even though you were not raised by or with him
you are his daughter. You are the same in many ways.”
It was a strange validation and yet I purposed in my heart to remain guarded.
So much had been taken from us…my sisters and I.
When he left us as little girls we were unprotected…vulnerable and
without choices of our own.
Each of us internalized the loss differently.
We moved many times and as we learned to adapt to each school situation we never knew if we should make friends or not. Attachments were not easy for us.
Our mother was broken emotionally and we became the remnants of her brokenness.
Life for us was not easy and I could not pretend with him on this visit in my home that our relationship would heal quickly.

Later in my thirties our parents were remarried.
It was very difficult and it angered me that we had to go through so much as children only to have them remarry later.
Therapy helped but it never answered all the questions.
They remain married to each other for almost 20 years now.
I am not angry any more it serves no purpose and won’t bring back what we lost.
They are growing old together and they are faithful to each other.
My dad is very ill now and time has become our enemy.
He is in his late 80’s and his life is slowing down.
I imagine when he leaves us my heart will hurt on many levels.
We can never get back the years that were lost.
We can never re-create the ‘family feeling’ that left so long ago.
We can be glad that he is safe and somewhat comfortable.
We can also be glad that he is not alone.
When it is time to say our final goodbyes in my heart I will know
or at least I will hope my dad understands my forgiveness.
Yes it scarred our lives and hearts to have abandonment be a part of our history.
My sisters and I did the best we could at the time to deal with our reality back then.
When our parents are gone the reasons why things were difficult for us won’t matter as much.
What will matter is sharing our golden years together as sisters and knowing that we will remain faithful to each other.

I don’t know how to say goodbye to a dad I have never really known.
In my heart I cannot let fear of the next few months rob me of precious time together.
In my heart I must find courage and strength to say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done.
I pray for my dad.
I pray for his peace and comfort and a quiet within his spirit.
When he leaves it will be a very hard and difficult day.
I am my fathers daughter and in my heart there will always
be a ‘place for the man I used to call daddy.’

Matters of the Heart

by Sharon O | Mar 7, 2012 | Uncategorized

As I sit in front of the computer screen I pray and ask and wait for the words to write.
My mind is fuzzy these days
there is no clear direction for writing, sharing or encouraging or even guest posting.
I did finish the one guest post and she will receive that soon.
It feels as if this waiting room wants me to quiet down and be very critical of what is written or shared.
My heart feels heavy knowing my dad is dealing with an out of control illness.
He is tired and a bit cranky. 
Can’t really blame him for that when breathing is hard and stamina is low.
His fight is slowly coming an end.
There is nothing anyone can really do for him other than pray and be gentle
in our thoughts and ways towards him.
It is harder for me to share what is deep in my heart now that this blog is open to who ever reads it.
It is no longer like a journal book 
it is open
exposed
making me feel more vulnerable.
Matters of the heart are private. 
Where deep seated feelings are for just a moment or two
grief wants to come alongside me and I push her way
and tell her 
not now I cannot be ready for you yet.
My heart remains quiet and my head fuzzy.
I don’t know how it should feel when a loved one is ill.
When my mom in law was ill it was different for me.
I could step back and be an observer making that role a safe one for me.
This is different 
I am a daughter.
I cannot be unattached 
he is my dad.
What happens next is a mystery for us all
it is out of any one’s control other than God.
I pray He gives us all the comfort we need in this time of waiting and 
watching and wondering how the journey will end.