As I sit in front of the computer screen I pray and ask and wait for the words to write.
My mind is fuzzy these days
there is no clear direction for writing, sharing or encouraging or even guest posting.
I did finish the one guest post and she will receive that soon.
It feels as if this waiting room wants me to quiet down and be very critical of what is written or shared.
My heart feels heavy knowing my dad is dealing with an out of control illness.
He is tired and a bit cranky. 
Can’t really blame him for that when breathing is hard and stamina is low.
His fight is slowly coming an end.
There is nothing anyone can really do for him other than pray and be gentle
in our thoughts and ways towards him.
It is harder for me to share what is deep in my heart now that this blog is open to who ever reads it.
It is no longer like a journal book 
it is open
exposed
making me feel more vulnerable.
Matters of the heart are private. 
Where deep seated feelings are for just a moment or two
grief wants to come alongside me and I push her way
and tell her 
not now I cannot be ready for you yet.
My heart remains quiet and my head fuzzy.
I don’t know how it should feel when a loved one is ill.
When my mom in law was ill it was different for me.
I could step back and be an observer making that role a safe one for me.
This is different 
I am a daughter.
I cannot be unattached 
he is my dad.
What happens next is a mystery for us all
it is out of any one’s control other than God.
I pray He gives us all the comfort we need in this time of waiting and 
watching and wondering how the journey will end.