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I lost my dad six years ago

by | Sep 23, 2019 | Uncategorized

I lost my dad six years ago.
Facebook reminded me on September 20th, he passed away.
It was a different kind of loss, I guess I can say the second time he left.
The first time was when I was four. I was just a little one and he left for many years and I didn’t see him until my thirties.
It was a strange thing to grow up without a dad and without a little girl ‘dad’ voice in her head.
I don’t remember ever having him say words of affirmation to me.
I could never say, “what would dad say?” because I didn’t know.
Having him missing left a hole that I couldn’t ever heal. Until I met the Lord.
We have a song that we sing in church called, “You’re a good, good father” and YES I sing it with a personal heart tug.
It validates who I am, as a daughter and as a daughter of the Lord.
It heals those wounded parts of me that were left unnoticed and unhealed for years.
Therapy helped. Having a male therapist helped. But that is not the same as your ‘daddy’.
When he came back into our lives we were kind of close. Not the warm fuzzy close, but he would come visit me.
I enjoyed his company. I thought we were a lot alike even though I was not raised by him, we were related.
Losing my dad, six years ago closed a chapter of my life, then losing my mom a year later closed another chapter.
Losing my sister recently closed another one.
The book full of life experiences and trauma is closed too. The Lord healed me.
In many ways I believe my dad was a good father, even though I missed so many years without him.
He was who he was and I accepted him just as he was, later on he would remarry our mom and when they both died they were together in heart.
It’s a strange story of healing and restoration. Of forgiveness and of love.
Isn’t it just like our ‘God of love’ to restore what was broken and heal what was lost?

When I lost my sister it was really hard

by | Sep 5, 2019 | Uncategorized

When I lost my sister it was really hard to grasp emotionally.
In fact I am still working through the reality that she is gone, fully and truly gone.
That in this life I will not ever see her again. She has been gone almost three months.
Loss is not an easy topic.
In our society if a family member dies and someone works at a job, they are entitled up to three bereavement days. Some company’s may allow more; but they don’t have to allow any.
I may not be saying all this right but my point is we don’t allow time for a broken heart.
When a loved one passes away there is really no time for grieving because life goes on.
It doesn’t stop for tears or sadness; it presses forward and expects you, ‘the one who is grieving’ to press forward too.
My sister had been sick for many years with an addictive personality; she learned survival early on and did what she could to manage her ‘self’ which often meant medicating.
When her husband died she was moved into a care setting which actually was a safe place for her and a place of protection.
She lived relatively healthy until about a year ago, then she fell and the care home could no longer give her what she needed.
She became even more ill and more unable to breathe and eat; and I imagine it was a bit scary for her. None of us want to face our own death even in the best environments.
None of us knows what it will be like for us at the end of our life when the end comes.
We can pray and hope and know that our heart condition is right.
We can allow others to care for us when we can’t do it ourselves.
It is a releasing and letting go.
When I lost my sister I honestly can say, I lost a piece of myself too.
Our history is gone. Only in memory now. I look at pictures and there is a missing person.
I will allow myself to follow the feelings and not stuff the sadness.
Loss is not easy and we make it harder when we don’t talk about it.

Have you ever had a favorite book?

by | Aug 25, 2019 | Uncategorized

Have you ever had a favorite book you love to read maybe once a year?
Years ago I discovered a book called Hinds feet on high places written by Hannah Hurnard.
It is a love story between much afraid and the Lord, her good shepherd.
It brought so much healing to me on so many levels when i read it.
I cannot hardly describe the beauty of the book.
It is an allegory [a story, poem, or picture that can be interpreted to reveal a hidden meaning, typically a moral or political one.
“Pilgrim’s Progress is an allegory of the spiritual journey”]
I have never read Pilgrims progress; but Hinds feet on high places is a spiritual journey of healing, hope and courage.
She is challenged to do things that bring fear to her and at the same time strength.
He the good shepherd gives her helpers along the way as she journeys on her path.
He explains to her the way of the high places is both dangerous and difficult; but once one arrives they find beauty and peace.
Much afraid cannot relate and allows her fearful heart and her doubt to keep her from moving in any direction. (have we NOT been in this place?)
The book tells a story of a journey.
Something that we all must go on at some point in time.
I read it with great thirst for what it was telling me and how it was teaching me.
If you ever feel the need to read something that is good and able to teach you at the same time; I challenge you to read this one.
You will find it to be a warm refreshing read, and for me it was healing on many levels.
I pray you find the time to sit, grab some tea and read a good book.

The other day I realized it is almost September

by | Aug 20, 2019 | Uncategorized

The other day I realized it is almost September.
Where has the time gone? it seems like it was JUST here just a few months ago and here we are almost a year and school kids are returning and teachers are prepping classes.
Teaching is not what it used to be. I feel for the teachers now a days. It is hard work.
Then onto another topic:
Growing old is not for the faint of heart; I tell you the days just run into each other.
And the aches and pains and oh my trying to find the right herbal or natural products to use, since I am not one for many prescription drugs.
Behind our new home there is a very large field of hemp plants that will eventually become Cbd oil.
I have been doing some reading on it and it is actually ok so long as the drug component is taken out of it.
There is also a lot of medicinal use for it on many levels.
I am trying some cream on my feet as I have some pretty sore feet at times.
The other thing I am doing these days is still unpacking boxes and boxes and more boxes.
How can two people have so much stuff? and that is the problem, the stuff is what we don’t really need. I open a box, look it over and take one or two items out and the rest go away.
I don’t want a house full of unnecessary items.
I am really pushing myself to get rid of, rehome and repurpose any and all extra items.
Soon fall will arrive and the summer clothes can be put away.
I am looking forward to decorating simple using just enough to make a statement for each holiday, Spring/summer then fall and winter.
I am ready for the change of seasons, and I am ready for the days to move forward.
What is your favorite season?

I have been really slow at this writing lately

by | Aug 17, 2019 | Uncategorized

I have been really slow at this writing lately.
The move has taken time and I am still adjusting to all the new spaces or should I say, lack of spaces.
The house we moved to is much smaller than our old one so I have had to re-organize and re-think a lot of things that I used to want to keep or store. There just isn’t room.
It’s funny because my word for the year stayed the same as last year, which was ‘simplify’.
Well I am certainly doing that now.
We never had any intention of moving last fall. It happened fast and I feel the way the Lord wanted it to be. The little cottage style house is cute and cozy and we are making it our own with new paint and new outside settings.
Last week we got my gate put up. My dad gave it to me when my sister was on hospice in 2006.
He said to me, “what do you like?” I said, “roses and angels.”
He didn’t think he could do an angel but he did put on roses and even signed it with his name.
It doesn’t have his cowboy hat emblem but it does have his name and that makes it very personal for me. I will always treasure it.I am pleased with the way it came out as a decorative piece in our yard.
We are slowly getting used to this new little cottage. The walls are getting more full of special pieces and I am trying not to get things looking crowded.
Simple is better.
So the unpacking will resume next week our garage is full of assorted boxes.
Wish me well as I go through and remove excess stuff.
Simple is always better.