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Today is the one year anniversary of my mother’s passing.
It seems very strange to not have parents.
It is not that I was very close to either one of them, but they were still ‘my parents’.
The last time I left my dad’s hospital room it felt to me, like I would never see him again this side of heaven.
I was in peace with that thought.
I didn’t say good bye as he was resting, but I do know he knew I was there and I also know he cared for me in the best way he knew how.
A few days later I got the call that he was gone and his spirit moved to a more simpler and wonderful place.
The same thing happened with my mom, the last day I saw her.
I left knowing she was on the way to another place that would bring healing to her.
As I looked around the room and allowed the visual of her tiny frame of body, wrapped up in a blanket of love, I knew she would be gone soon.
In the early morning hour when the phone rang, it was the call telling me she had passed away.
My grandparents have been gone a long time now, but even that is a great loss.
To have generations missing and gone is sad.
I have often thought about those days of our childhood when our mom was raising three little girls alone.
Our dad left when we were little and when he did it was hard for us.
I have very little good memories of growing up, as it was a crazy and sometimes confusing time of life.
The constant things were a clean house, rules and hidden emotions.
The non constant were hugs and emotional talking.
Not one time do I remember being asked, “how are you?”
Not one time do I remember being told,
“you are valuable in this family.”
She didn’t know how to do that.
I am not bashing her or blaming her.
I am just saying she didn’t know how to give what she didn’t ever learn herself, and you can’t give what you don’t know.
As my maturity has come and through therapy, I have learned the ways we are raised and taught, becomes critical in our thinking and processing as adults.
In our home of origin life was not easy.
When our dad left we were all struggling with big emotional holes and no one was there to fill them.
It was like we all knew things were different but we were not allowed to talk about it.
What an unfair thing to do to a child.
The emotional damage of non verbal expression is hard to explain.
I am positive we never processed our dad’s leaving.
I am also positive we were instructed to ‘let it go’ and be good.
Today is the one year anniversary of my mother’s passing.
Our parents are gone now. It is a quiet and strange feeling to be an adult orphan
Mothers day and Fathers day are just Hallmark card moments for others to share in.
I no longer stand long at the card aisle wondering what to pick out and send.
Our parents are gone now.