by Sharon O | Aug 15, 2020 | Uncategorized
As we continue the last few words in the basket of words; we learn that each one has purpose.
We have learned about courage, willingness, trust, tenderness, power, balance, change, rest, healing, and compassion.
The eleventh word in this series is play.
It seems like a strange word to talk about when discussing recovery from childhood trauma.
For many children play was not a part of the growing up season. Life was serious and hard.
During the summer my husband used to volunteer at a camp for children in foster homes.
For one week these kids get to do childhood things such as play, swim, art, archery, run, and relax.
They also go back home with a homemade quilt just for them.
In the middle of the week they have what they call a Birthday party.
For many of the kids there was never a party, a celebration of who they are as a child.
They have cake and each child participates in the festive evening.
Children who live in difficult environments often have a difficult time relaxing and letting go of responsibility.
They often have siblings, taking care of each other as they did in the trauma filled home.
Sometimes they are in separate foster settings, so it’s a gathering together that is very emotional.
For the adult in recovery finding time for fun is against much of what was taught.
Laughter is not always easy, or relaxing and letting go.
In recovery groups I have seen adults breathe a sigh of relief, perhaps for the first time;
when they let go of the heaviness that once surrounded them.
Sometimes when healing begins the one in the process feels guilty for feeling playful.
It is retraining the mind and spirit of a child. Even as an adult…letting go is important.
After the recovery process takes place feelings such as play, laughter and delight begin to
settle into the heart of the one healing.
I know for me humor was always a hidden gift, and when healed on levels that were safe,
my humor came up and often was an addition to the room.
Many times I had people telling me that I was funny.
Only when I allowed healing to replace memory, did I feel free enough to finally enjoy the peace that was given to me.
As we continue the last few words in this basket, the eleventh one is play.
by Sharon O | Aug 13, 2020 | Uncategorized
The tenth word in the basket of words
As we have moved through this series called basket of words.
I hope we have discovered and learned many new things.
We began with the word courage, then we moved to willingness, trust, tenderness, power, balance, change, rest and healing.
The tenth word we are learning about is compassion.
Dictionary.com said: it is a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.
A big step for me in my recovery process was to see ‘the child’; and learn to comfort that child in a way I never learned or experienced growing up.
At the time when I was deep in recovery I was also watching my grand daughter who was a premature baby.
It was a blessing on many levels as I could see her as a little one with feelings and needs; and if I didn’t listen or pay attention she wouldn’t be heard and her needs would not be met.
I learned what her cries meant.
I learned what she was like when she was uncomfortable.
I learned to pay attention to her.
Growing up in a home that was broken it wasn’t safe to say what you really felt or what you thought you needed.
So as I grew in recovery I had to re-learn the idea of ‘my voice’ and my thoughts as important.
Children are just ‘little people’ who are at the mercy of big people.
Their choices are few. Their voices are not loud.
Often times when we go to a mall or a restaurant I am amazed and saddened at the inconsiderate adults who continue to shop; even when it is obvious ‘the little one’ is ready to go home.
It is not the fault of the child if they are over tired, over hungry, uncomfortable or just bored.
It is the responsibility of the parent or the adult to pay attention.
So simple yet so difficult for so many.
It is not the fault of the child if they are only being children.
In the recovery process from abuse issues one has to step back and learn to see the child as they were.
A little one made to carry burdens that they were never meant to carry.
A little one who was told to be quiet and not act out.
A little one forced to grow up and be adult way before they were emotionally ready.
It is critical to see the child and all the vulnerability that comes with childhood and realize; the reality for them and what was taken away.
At a very early age I learned and internalized that nothing really mattered, which for me meant… I didn’t matter.
In recovery I learned to say ‘I am sorry’ to that little girl who learned that her voice, her worries, her feelings were not important or heard.
I learned compassion and sadness for her.
Growing up in our childhood home we were never asked the question,
“how do you feel about this?”
We didn’t get a choice. Feelings were never a choice.
That is why my compassion and heart is for the children.
Adults must choose that the needs of the children are more important than their own needs.
Even when it is not convenient or fun.
Compassion for the children is critical.
Even Jesus said “let the children come” for he knew they had value and voice.
My prayer is for us to be so full of compassion that we will want to listen to the heart of a child.
The tenth word in the basket of words is compassion.
by Sharon O | Aug 10, 2020 | Uncategorized
As we continue to learn about the basket of words I hope we begin to understand that there is an importance to the order.
We began with courage for it takes great courage to admit something is wrong and needs to be changed.
Then we moved to willingness, then to trust, then to tenderness, then to power and balance, then to change and rest.
Each one of these have great significance within the process of recovery.
The ninth word in this series will be healing.
Dictionary.com says: Healing is the act or process of regaining health, getting well, mending.
Restoring health to bring an end or conclusion.
Compose or soothe: to heal the soul.
After a time of resting; the body begins to have a ‘new’ place inside for healing and restoring some sort of calm that will be needed to go further in the process.
For me it was slow but as I learned to listen to the internal feelings
I learned it was more healing to listen than to discount or dismiss.
Maya Angelou says it beautifully:
“It’s scary every time I go back into the past.
Each morning, my heart catches.
When I go there, I remember how the light was, where the draft was coming from, what odors were in the air.
When I write, I get all the weeping out.”
Yes… writing helps to form feelings into words.
That is what I struggled with the most.
I could write what I could not say ‘out loud’.
I could draw what I could not express.
I had the feelings but I couldn’t verbalize the words surrounding them for it didn’t feel safe or real to talk them out.
Until I healed and followed the process of healing I couldn’t go any further.
Each step is crucial and it took time. It took patience. It was hard work.
It took strength to go back into those ‘places’ as Maya so beautifully expressed.
It was scary.
I had to remember in order to move forward; my fear could not stop me or hold me back.
There were days I did not want to do the hard work it took for me to become more healthy.
It felt like I was mountain climbing and just as in exercise or diet it takes a process of doing in order to get the result.
I also had to fight my doubt.
What my heart told me had to be processed with my counselor and then believed.
He was a huge ‘help’ in this journey toward healing.
Just like any coach he cheered me on and he encouraged and directed me towards the goal.
The goal of healing.
To heal the soul is one of the most difficult journeys as it is a delicate process.
The one in recovery must learn to grieve.
To learn what was broken and lost, then acknowledge the pain.
Each time I stepped into that therapy room I knew I was closer to the healing process.
It will be healing to your body and refreshment to your bones. Proverbs 3:8
As we continue to learn about the basket of words, our ninth word is healing
by Sharon O | Aug 7, 2020 | Uncategorized
The basket of words continue as we learn about the eighth word called rest.
Rest is so important when someone is doing recovery work.
It is not only emotionally exhaustive but physically; depending on the issues.
In the word – [The Bible] rest is found 521 times and is a very important element of spiritual healing and wholeness.
Rest is a gift you can give to yourself even when you don’t feel tired.
To slow down, to center in and not be doing and going all the time.
“If you get tired, learn to rest, not quit.” author unknown
Matthew 11:28-29
“Are you tired? I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me.
I am gentle and lowly in heart. In me, you will find rest.”
What is so important to remember is the rest this is speaking of; is a deep inward calm.
It is a knowing that all will be ok.
Recovery work is very difficult and when we don’t use words like balance and rest, we lose so much of the life around us.
Proverbs 3:24
“When you lie down, you need not to be afraid, when you rest, your sleep will be sweet.”
We are much more able to do the recovery and healing work when we can stop and rest in the process.
The hard part is that sometimes dreams startle the calm, or PTSD reactions affect us.
I had moments when I would react strongly if someone were to surprise me.
I think it’s really important to consider all the areas of recovery and healing;
and allow ourselves the time to move slowly through them.
The basket of words continue as we learn about the eighth word called rest.
by Sharon O | Aug 4, 2020 | Uncategorized
The seventh word to learn about is going to be change.
Out of the basket of words I have shared about courage, willingness, trust, tenderness, power and balance.
Change is a powerful word when it comes to any recovery process.
It is a lifestyle choice.
(God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.)
I have tried to set the words out in a sequence of how it was for me;
as I was going through this ‘deep’ internal process of healing.
When someone goes into a therapy season many things begin to change for them; mostly internally.
What was once familiar and comfortable now begins to feel ‘abnormal’ and sometimes disturbing.
Relationships change on many levels.
The person going through recovery changes from the inside out.
It won’t feel good or right to stay in the same routine and old behaviors because healing brings new truths.
I always learned through this process, ‘awareness brings choice.’
Dictionary.com says : It is to become different, altered, transformed, in opinion,
in thought or course or direction as in: changing ones mind.
I remember there was a point in time when someone would say something to me and in the old ‘life’;
I would just ignore it, or internalize it or believe it to be true.
My ‘new’ life of awareness brought me to the point of thinking…
then saying, “this is not about me, this issue is not mine.”
Then I began to move from the guilt and obligation that was taught and felt; to a more healthy place inside.
Change brings courage forward and gives it voice.
Voice is SO important when healing takes place.
It is realizing family ‘dysfunction’ is the core ‘reason’ we sit in a therapy room.
Dysfunction means: abnormal or impaired, bad or difficult.
It is learning to say as we move through the process;
“that was then, this is now. Today is a new day. I will begin again.”
I began to change internally when my old ‘style of coping’ didn’t work any more and it didn’t feel ‘real’ to me.
As healing becomes normal to us we move further away from the old ‘way’s of coping or believing.
Truth changes the reality in which we begin to live.
As we grow and move forward change will create many conflicts
because we are not doing it ‘the way it always has been done.’
Those around us see and sometimes test our new boundaries.
It takes strength and courage to stand up for what is right and healthy.
This basket of words is layered and powerful.
Each one of these words takes a great amount of growth and choice.
The one in recovery has to realize and soon begins to realize some friends, some family,
will not stand by and watch as you change before them.
They will feel uncomfortable with the ‘boundaries given to them’
and they will not encourage you in the new process.
Change creates boundaries and also brings to us the ability to say with courage,
“I am not going to listen to that anymore or I will not allow you to hurt me again.”
Change forces a line to be drawn. It is saying to yourself.
I will not ever go back to where I was as a wounded person.
One of the hardest parts of recovery is realizing ‘you’ are worth fighting for.
The seventh word to learn about is change.
by Sharon O | Aug 2, 2020 | Uncategorized
Originally posted 4-2-2014
The basket of words continue as the sixth word is chosen.
We started off with the word courage.
Then the next word was willingness.
Then after that the word was trust.
Then it was tenderness and then it was power.
The sixth word in the series from the basket of words is going to be balance.
My reason for this is very simple.
When someone enters into a therapy setting they are often imbalanced in their thinking.
Recovery brings to us an ‘all or nothing’ thought process.
All black and all white with no middle grey area.
Instead of saying, “growing up we had a mixture of both good and bad”; the person in recovery usually remembers only the bad.
There were no good times… ever.
Now sometimes that can be incredibly true; but also sometimes there needs to be balance in the remembering.
Dictionary.com tells us that balance is this: mental steadiness, emotional stability and calm behavior.
Learning the process of balance when one is doing any kind of recovery work is very important.
It is not good for our spirit to think of hard difficult things all day.
Balance means, I understand what was over here, in this ‘pile of journal writings’…and I also understand ‘what is in this one.’
It takes balance to be healthy.
To remain focused on the issues but also to rest when it’s needed.
When I began this process, I was a young mom and it was impossible to focus only on the recovery issues.
There were meals to prepare and laundry and kids; life went on whether I felt good or whether I was deep in a memory.
It took balance to do the recovery work in the office with my counselor; then go home and put that ‘away’;
till the next week when we could talk again and sometimes I had to call him.
In the middle of those days I would write and journal or draw pictures to keep the words and thoughts fresh.
Balance… was critical in the process of healing.
Without balance it is impossible to stay stable and steady when working on recovery issues.
The basket of words continue as the sixth word was chosen.
by Sharon O | Jul 30, 2020 | Uncategorized
posted: 25 Mar 2014 07:59 PM PDT
The fifth word in this series is power.
I was struggling this week in prayer asking what should be the next word in this series of words.
The first word was courage.
The second word was willingness
The third word was trust
The fourth word was tenderness
It came to me that the fifth word would be power.
Dictionary.com says: it is incapacity, weakness and characteristic of those having authority or influence.
It could be to inspire; spur or sustain as in a strong faith in a divine goodness.
But in this instance and for this writing purpose we are not going towards the positive aspects of the word; we are exploring the negative.
The power to bring another person down emotionally is very real.
Words can hurt and destroy and in the recovery process we learn; the power and control we lived under was extremely harmful.
When someone has ‘power’ to make you feel something.
They are like the description in the dictionary:
The possession of control or command over others.
Anyone who have ever been in toxic relationships or work places understand this concept.
When I entered into the therapy process I learned that power and control is reason enough to give up or give in; and to resign oneself into the ‘truth of what is being told.’
For example: the child who is told they will never amount to anything
usually doesn’t. They begin to believe ‘the untruth’ as their reality.
Words have power within them.
They can have the ability to build up a spirit or break it down.
If someone is raised with very negative words eventually that is all they will begin to believe.
In therapy I learned that I was smart, creative, funny and even well liked.
Those were very new concepts and thoughts for me as no had ever said those words when I was growing up.
When someone with low self esteem and emotional emptiness tries to fill someone else up; they will not be able to build out of what they don’t have to give. It’s very Clear now that I’m on the other side of it.
In therapy I learned I had a hard time believing in compliments.
I doubted them and questioned whether they were talking about me;
it was very difficult to take inside my spirit.
As a child there were no words of affirmation spoken to me.
(At least none that I remember.)
Most of the time I didn’t believe I was capable of ‘writing, or drawing or singing well’ even though I did all three throughout my day.
Realizing now that it is impossible to fill someone when you are not filled yourself. I place no blame; just say the truth for what it is.
My ability to believe in myself and my value was very low.
When I was asked to write down ‘truths’ about myself in a therapy group.
It was sad and very hard to do.
The power of the negative created a deep depression inside my spirit
and I stayed in that low opinion for years.
In therapy I learned my belief was untrue.
I learned to let go of ‘the negative talk’ and begin to believe I was capable, smart and able to accomplish something; if I really tried hard.
When the heaviness of spirit begin to lift my eyes were opened and I began to see many things in a new way.
I also learned that the power that tore down could be replaced by the power to believe and change the direction of truth.
When my counselor would say to me, “I have enjoyed our visit today”
my first thought was to push it away.
“He really didn’t mean that, he says that to every one.”
See how I sabotaged my ‘value’?
Recovery from years that were emotionally negative was incredibly hard and even very painful.
At times I still struggle but God is healing me and has healed me layer upon layer. It has been a journey of truth and deep growth.
For God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love and a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:7
The fifth word in this series is power.
by Sharon O | Jul 28, 2020 | Uncategorized
The first word I shared about from the basket of words was courage.
The second word I shared was willingness.
The third word I shared was trust.
The fourth word I am sharing about is tenderness.
It would seem that this word is chosen out of context when considering the other words.
My reason for this is very important.
Dictionary.com describes this word as:
1. soft, not hard or tough
2. to regard or treat tenderly
3. easily damaged, vulnerable, or sensitive.
4. having or expressing warm and affectionate feelings;
a tender smile
5. kind, merciful or sympathetic; a tender heart
6. requiring care in handling; a tender question
7. painful or sore; a tender wound
8. sensitive to moral or spiritual feelings; a tender conscience
9. careful or protective; tender of ones emotions
10. gentle in mannerism
As I have shared on this journey going into a therapy room was both difficult and necessary for me.
When I chose the ‘counselor’ I was going to work with it was clear to both of us I needed soft reassurance; that my direction was good for me.
He was a gentle and compassionate man who I learned to trust; in the years we worked together.
He was calm and always asked questions that were sensitive and if they were too difficult; he gave me time to work on them never forcing or pushing but always challenging me.
After having one ‘misguided’ counselor experience; this man was given the difficult task of teaching me to trust, to believe and to return every week with a knowing that he would never ‘purposefully’ do harm to my emotions or to my healing process.
Tenderness is a foreign concept for some or even most people entering into a ‘therapy’ room.
They enter with deep layered baggage or wounds of spirit and tenderness was not the main source of emotion given to them.
I remember clearly my surprise when the counselor was gentle and polite and careful of my ’emotional’ and physical state.
Every time he would ask, “how are you?” It would challenge me to answer truthfully for I knew in my heart he cared and wanted to help.
As I begin to process the meanings of the words held inside the basket; I am prayerful that this series will challenge you as the reader to think about each word and how it applies to your life.
The fourth word in the group of words is tenderness; because we cannot help one another until we learn to be tender, sensitive and protective of one another.
If the man who worked with me was not tender and gentle I would not have returned.
It was like a warm reception to my broken spirit for he knew I would break again or harden too hard, the heart that had been hurt too deeply.
Even Jesus was tender, and sensitive and allowed others to be cared for in the way that would heal them.
He gave them power to kick out the evil spirits and to tenderly care for the bruised and hurt lives.
[Matthew 10: 2 (the message)
Let us challenge ourselves to be courageous, willing and trustworthy.
Without tenderness we cannot be effective helpers when working with bruised or hurt lives.]
The fourth word is powerful and so simple if we can allow ourselves to be this way.
The fourth word I’m sharing about is tenderness.
by Sharon O | Jul 26, 2020 | Uncategorized
Posted: 11 Mar 2014 01:03 PM PDT
The first word I shared from the basket of words was courage.
The second word I shared about was willingness.
Now the third word I am sharing about is trust.
Dictionary.com says: Trust is
[Reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety of a person or thing; with confidence.
Confident expectation of something; hope.
A person on whom or thing on which one relies; God is my trust.
To believe. Certainty. Faith. Trust. Assurance.]
These are all powerful and wonderful definitions of the word trust.
But in the real world of recovery and getting better…trust is one of the most difficult things to grasp.
The concept that one can be trusted or believed in or be assured of; is the most challenging part
of the journey ahead of anyone entering this phase of recovery.
To know in my thought process that someone wants to help me with good motives or intention;
was a huge issue in the beginning.
When someone comes from a difficult background. there is often mistrust in most situations.
It can take years to finally realize one person really cares enough to help.
When I entered in to the room of recovery; I had to know in my heart and believe in my spirit
that this person was safe and would not hurt or harm me.
The first step was realizing it was a process and it would take time.
For me…a very long time.
Even though the counselor I saw was chosen by his experience and reputation in the field of recovery.
He also was the one who told me trust would be a major part of our work together.
Every time I entered into that room: I had to choose to trust as I sat in my favorite chair by the door.
If the process got too uncomfortable: I knew I could leave although for many reasons I never did.
I had to learn to trust in the process of allowing another to walk alongside me through the painful layers and feelings.
Recovery is not pain free.
Just like any birthing process of bringing something new into the scene of our lives.
There is a deeply intensive road to walk before any kind of healing can take place,
and it must be walked slowly and not forced.
I had to trust in the process of sharing my heart hurt and then lean in to the confidence
that this person really does have my best interest in mind and they will stay with me till healing takes place.
Question for you:
Is it hard to trust? to trust God?
to trust in yourself?
to trust others who might want to help you?
to trust the path you must go on in order to become healthy?
Reliance on the integrity of the process is the hardest part of trusting
no matter what kind of journey we have before us.
The third word I am sharing about is trust.
by Sharon O | Jul 23, 2020 | Uncategorized
Posted: 04 Mar 2014 08:24 PM PST
The first word I shared about was
courage.
The next one on the list is:
willingness.
Dictionary.com said the definition is:
Willingness: Cheerfully consenting or ready. Inclined, minded, freely or voluntary.
What I have learned in the process of therapy and recovery.
In the beginning we do not enter into it… cheerfully.
Usually we go because we have the realization in our heart; that life is not peaceful inside our ‘spirits’
and we realize something must change so we can heal.
When we are afraid we tend to not move forward, but we must in order for change to take place.
It takes courage to volunteer oneself into a therapy room and open your deepest wounds up to someone
you just met and then slowly begin to trust them.
It is about consenting and giving permission.
It is a knowing deep within yourself that this must take place in order for healing to begin.
What we call the secret of happiness is no more a secret than our willingness to choose life. (Leo Buscaglia)
Life is what we are striving for in the process of desiring something different.
.
We are giving permission to another person to ask questions and probe into our ‘darkest places’
in order for us to find healing and health.
I’ve never found therapy to be a sign of weakness, I found the opposite to be true.
As I opened up my heart, healing began to happen and my voice became stronger.
And strength and courage and willingness are all a part of therapy and recovery.
When we understand that this is very needed right now, we will not be the same when we are through with this process.
The first word I shared about was courage. The second is willingness.
As we move into the rest of the words, may we learn and grow through this process.
