Becoming transparent

by Sharon O | Feb 26, 2010 | Uncategorized

Psalm 18:14
The human spirit can endure a sick body, but who can bear a crushed spirit.

The most difficult part of this week has been for me,
the opening up of parts of my heart and becoming transparent.
I didn’t plan on sharing about ‘me’ or my journey.
The Lord kept pressing and as a flashlight in a darkened room,
he brought close to me the words to share.
Illuminating them so I could see them for what they were.
A story.
Maybe to help someone.
Maybe to help me.
Candid words, openly sharing secrets that have been stored so deeply.
Not all secrets can be hidden forever.
Not all secrets can be shared, nor should they be.

When our dad left, our world was changed by one decision.
How does one deal with a dad who just walks away?

Abandonment was one of the first ‘real deep’ wounds given to our hearts.
Little children do not know what to do with it.
So they internalize that somehow; maybe if I had not been so bad, maybe if I had more value or worth, or been more funny or cute.
He would have stayed.
No, the reality as it has been explained to me in recovery and counselors offices.
It wasn’t about the children.

It rarely is.
Adults make choices that children have to live with.
We were 5, 7 and 9. Forced to be responsible for ourselves.
Little children who should have been playing carefree.
Now had burdens to carry.

The years progressed into more burdens. More weight.
In my 20’s and 30’s my body broke down after carrying inside, so much for so long.
My illness was mostly realizing the weight of our lives as children growing up,
in a crazy jumbled world.
My heart was not fine, and my body was breaking down
from deep grief never addressed.
I did not know yet, how the truth was crushing my spirit.

The doctors thought I had lupus a serious auto immune disease.
I would go into shock.
I had massive body pain.
I became depressed. I became very ill.
I felt like I was falling into a deep hole.
Full of darkness and hollow spaces.
It was frightening.
I even had meningitis. Tests after tests, wore me down.
During all this I had my own children to care for.
Life kept moving forward and the Lord kept challenging me.

The body remembers way before the mind does.
Memories began to flood me.
Like a dam full of tumultuous water, the power of it knocked me down.
I couldn’t stop it and I was down for many years.

As I began to rise, slowly and steadily, with the help of a marvelous counselor.
I saw purpose through the pain.

I didn’t question. I just trusted.
The sickness was a spiritual one. A heart hurt by a deep grief.
A very deep pain in my heart, that God could not heal, until it was seen by me and addressed.
I had to say it for what it was and allow Him to restore me.
God is a God of restoration and healing.
He brought beauty from the ashes, and joy from my mourning.

As I mentioned before, our dad is still alive and living with our mother.
I asked my counselor one time, “What impact will it be for me, when he is gone forever?” and he said to me with tears in his eyes, “You will miss what you never had, and can never have for those years are gone. You were not protected by your parents and that is a huge loss for any child”. I am not parent bashing. I am just saying the truth for what it was.

I have tightly guarded my heart for years not knowing it was a scriptural concept.
There was a purpose for that.
The Lord was protecting me.
So that the core of who I was, would not be destroyed in the process of all the pain put upon us.

God is a God who restores and brings wholeness and purpose to those who follow him.
So we can have a future and a hope.

Psalm 4:29 Guard your heart above all else for it determines the course of your life.

I hope you find this encouraging.
My desire has not been to talk about my ‘life’ so much, that I cannot minister or give hope to someone else.
The Lord through this process said to me “in order for them to be helped, they must know you have walked the road yourself”.
As I see it, it is something for us to think about.
We don’t appreciate the high places until we acknowledge and understand the low places we have been.
God bless you in your journey as you move forward with transparency and courage.
Let us encourage each other always.

Have a nice day

by Sharon O | Feb 25, 2010 | Uncategorized

“A kind word can be as refreshing as a spring shower”

Last night when I was opening up a new sour cream container for our taco’s,
I noticed this little message on the inside label that sealed the contents.
How odd I thought, to see a ‘wonderful little blessing’ on a sour cream container.
We can find encouragement in the most unique and unexpected places.
If we look and pay attention.

Because of the ‘not so nice words’ I had as a child growing up,
it has been my goal to have kind words close to me most of the time.
It is just as easy to say something nice, as it is to say something mean.

Kindness is like a gift, to unwrap and behold its power, to ‘soften’ a hardened heart.
Proverbs 16:24: Kind words are like honey – sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.

When I was working full time at a pharmacy there was an senior gentleman who would often come in.
He was harsh and very rough around the edges.
I remember the first time I met him I said to him as he was leaving,
“Have a nice day” and he snapped back to me with his
snarly deep voice, “what is left of it”.
I quickly thought, wow you should be glad you have any days to be thankful about.
At age 80+ who knows how long he had left. I often think of him and his “what’s left of it comment”.
Is that similar to the glass half full or the glass half empty concept?
It is an attitude.

2 Corinthians 6:1 (a new testament book of the Bible)
As God’s partners, we beg you to not accept this marvelous gift of God’s kindness
then ignore it.

How often have we been given a gift, and we put it away to ignore it
and never enjoy it as the giver intended us to do.

I was continually kind to the old man in the pharmacy each time he came in to purchase something. He eventually became kind to me.
It took time. I had to be patient.
Somehow I hoped that my ‘words’ would touch him
in the roughest place of his heart, and maybe he would “hear himself”.
Perhaps he did.
I won’t ever know.
But what I do know is kindness is something we all can do.
It is another one of those life choices we can make.

Proverbs 15:23 Everyone enjoys a fitting reply, it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time.

Sometimes telling someone to have a nice day, is JUST what they have been waiting to hear.

A different ending

by Sharon O | Feb 23, 2010 | Uncategorized

Following up on yesterdays writing.

Around 16-18 years ago, my mom and dad remarried.
I can’t really remember what year it was.
We weren’t invited to the ‘wedding’.
It was a strange and bizarre moment for me.
I was fascinated by the fact, that old age would bring them around each other.
Also interested in why, they would actually want to live in the same house again.

They seem to be happy now.
She is in her late 70’s he is in his early 80’s.
Familiarity seemed to be the reason they reunited. (dictionary.com says: the state of being familiar; friendly relationship; close acquaintance; intimacy)
Growing old alone is often a sad and empty place for seniors.
They knew each other, they had children and grand children together.
It was a natural choice for them.
It was a marriage out of convenience, and maybe a few other motives I won’t go into.

At least now with them being together.
I don’t have to wonder or worry about, where he is or whether he is alive or not.
I know where he lives and know how to find him.
I am not that close to either one of them. It is ok.
When we visit, it is a visit.
A slight tapping into a place in the past.

There have been many years of recovery and growth.
God is still working on my heart.

When I ask.
Why did all the suffering have to happen?
Just for them to reunite and be together in their old age?
There is no answer.
I just have to trust.

God is a God of restoration.

It can be a broken heart, or a broken marriage.
He restores what was broken and puts it back together in his time.
We just have to trust in the process.

The journey

by Sharon O | Feb 22, 2010 | Uncategorized

Jeremiah 29:11 vs – For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare (peace) and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
——————————————————-
Today is my mothers birthday.
The relationship between my mother and I has been long, painful, full of misunderstandings and woundedness.
It was not a ‘love’ relationship.
She would say ‘she loved’ and maybe she did, in the only way she knew how.
At a young age our dad left, and after that she was the only caretaker.
Not fully comprehending her responsibility, she checked out too, many times.

Responsibilities and concerns dumped on us,
like a load waiting for the laundry.
We tried to walk around them, ignore them, yet they still stayed.
We were three little girls, left to care for each other.
Like the story of the three little kittens without any mittens,
only we had no mother.
We did the best we could with limited abilities.
As a child, understanding why your world is broken, is not an easy thing to grasp.
Immaturity gets in the way.
The needs of a young heart, lacking skill.
To make sense of what was senseless.
Many times the choices she made for us, were not good.
We were the innocent in the way of adult decisions.

I don’t want to be mommy bashing or terribly negative.
What I will say is this; the world we grew up in was not safe, was not warm, was not comforting.
There was no rescuer.
Even though the ‘house we lived in’ was clean and tidy and perfect.
We had no ‘home’.
As the years progressed, the safety continued to be in question.
More decisions made by her, left us in harms way, left us to choose, who we will be protecting.

When a child is raised in a trauma filled household. The world is different.
I remember hanging out with ‘friends’ who had a mother and father, and daydreamed what that would look and feel like.
It was a strange fantasy.
I really had no concept of ‘family’ other than my sisters.
Oh we had grandma’s, but they were distant and unapproachable.
It was our journey.
Together, as sisters.

The relationship with my mother has been an experience, full of winding trails and hidden stories.
The Lord told me one day, “I am taking you on a journey, not too different from a backpacking trip or a mountain climbing experience.
I will heal you, as you let me see what is hidden and buried, under the rubble and rock in your heart. I am preparing you for a journey. I am not sure how long it will take, we are not going to care about that.
What we are going to care about, is your healing.”

As I backpacked and journeyed with the Lord, (after I found him in my youth) without a compass or map, he would draw me near to the painful places of my heart.
The exploration of years never spoken and shared.
The stones were not moved, without us moving them together.
The long paths to dark and hidden places, were not easy or kind.
It was treacherous just like a mountain climbing trip.
The backpack I wore, felt so heavy, it weighted down my spirit many times.
My body raging with pain,
my heart breaking every time I saw,
the truth for what it was.
Jagged stones, cutting into my soul, leaving woundedness, and scars.
The truth was full of pain and sorrow.
God said to me, “This journey is necessary for you, so I can take you where I want in your future”.
In time, I began to understand, that without the deep deep valleys,
I would not value the high places.
My walk with the Lord began when I was 15 or 16 years old.
I didn’t understand Love, so when they said ‘Jesus loves you’, I said ‘oh that means he wants something from me’, or ‘he will leave’.
For My experience with ‘love’ was adhered to other experiences.

It was not easy for me, yet at the same time it was very easy for me.
To accept a ‘father who would love me unconditionally’.
I didn’t have to be perfect.
I understood his ‘kindness’ not really knowing why.
I understood, his safety and actually trusted it.
The first time I trusted anything.
As I trusted …He began to heal… the hole in my heart.
He drew me in.
Reaching into the deepest darkest places of my soul, and
whispered to me,
‘I have loved you’.
You are important to me.
Rest here, and listen as I show you… you were not ever alone.
He drew me in as he showed me the reel to reel movies of long ago.
Rest here, and listen….pulling me closer and closer, until I would reach out for him.

Jeremiah 31:3 – The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: I have loved you with an ever lasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.

I don’t have to try to understand my past.
I heard a speaker one day say, “Instead of writing off our past, or discounting it, we should authenticate the role it has played in our life.”
I am who I am today, because of my past.
My husband has often said to me, “I wish I had a testimony, a story like yours,”
and I say back to him, “I would rather to have had, a family like yours, and no testimony to share.”

God is the God who heals broken hearts, and He healed me.
The speaker said, “My life experiences have defined me. Who I am and who I will become.”
Because of my story:
I can walk alongside wounded people and really truly understand.
Because of my story:
I can be a child advocate and can say. I was there too, I understand the sad heart.
Because of my story:
I can be a better mother and grandmother.
Because of my story:
I understand the tears of abandonment and abuse.
Because of my story:
I know what a broken spirit is.

I am not angry or embittered, because of what I went through.
I am beginning to understand.
GOD knew I would become a whole person, able to serve him, with a purpose.
He allowed some difficult things to take place.
It took me a long time, to understand it.
How could he allow it? why would he?

My past has purpose and there is meaning to my story.
Without the pain, the story would be different.
I met my husband in high school and we married when I was 18.
A young bride trying to do her best to be and do what was foreign to her. We have been married for 36 years. The days have been filled with many ups and downs.
We forged together and became a family.

Jeremiah 2:2
“I remember the devotion of your youth, how as a bride you loved me and followed me through the desert, through land not sown.”
The back packing experience between God and I, was necessary.
It was hard. It was rough.

It is continual at times.
Once in a while he will say to me in a very quiet way;
“I need to walk with you again. There is more to discover”.

The journey between my mother and I continues.
She is still living. Still the same person only older.
I can see her now as an elderly aging lady, kind of like my neighbor.
NOT the mommy I grew up with.
Maturity tells me, “because of her inability to be in relationship, with anyone.
You never would have received, what you needed as a child”.
Just as our dad checked out. She did too.
I am not holding it over her head anymore. I can talk to her, as an elderly lady and keep the ‘feelings’ away.
What the enemy meant for bad, or destruction. God made it for good.

Today is my mothers birthday.
I hope she has many more. She deserves to have a peaceful calm life in her old age.
Thank you God for saving me and keeping the angels close.
Thank you for protecting me, as I developed as a baby when she carried me, when she had German measles and I should have been injured.
Psalm 139 tells me you loved me before I was known.
You had a purpose, before I took my first breath.
You were there protecting me, all the days of my life.

You are a God who saves, who heals and who loves.
You are a God who I love to journey with.
Help me always to be willing to go.
When you say to me, “there is more to discover, come walk with me.”

Rejoicing brings peace

by Sharon O | Feb 20, 2010 | Uncategorized

Today’s reading is from Philippians 4:4-8
“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!
Let your gentleness be evident to all.
The Lord is near.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
—————————-
So it is telling us to rejoice in the Lord always. Does that mean ‘always’? Through the good and the bad? How do we do it?
Recently, I went through an intense waiting season for 16 weeks, to see if I was going to be eligible for unemployment. I even had a hearing with a judge, which was nerve wracking and anxiety producing. I prayed, others prayed, and we waited. I felt confident I did a good job representing myself.
The answer was NO.
So I am told in this passage to rejoice always, even when the answer is no.
When the questions remain unanswered.
When I feel like I am not heard, and my heart is confused.
When Life is not fair.
I am told to rejoice. Not once but twice.
So the writer is making a point. REJOICE.
When your heart is hurt, even when you feel unappreciated or misunderstood. REJOICE.
It is a choice. That is how we do it, we choose.
We take action with our hearts to rejoice.
Then the writer says, in the midst of your rejoicing, let your gentleness be evident, to all around you.
Our gentleness, even when we want to be angry or not so pleasant, our gentleness is to be observed by all, who are watching and walking the journey with us.
Just as we choose to worship, we choose to
REJOICE.
Then he reminds us ‘The Lord is near’.
Now I know in my heart if the Lord is near, rejoicing is a reaction we all will have.
We will naturally move into worship towards our God.
So is he telling us to remember ‘The Lord is near’.
To remind us,
you don’t walk this path of life alone.
That is a wonderful reminder that He doesn’t leave us, even when we may feel like he did.
The Lord is near.
Then the writer moves to encourage us.
To be not anxious. Be prayerful. Be thankful.
The end result will be PEACE. A peace that we won’t understand, can’t understand because it is from God.
Read it again with me.
“The peace of God, which is beyond our understanding, will guard our hearts and our minds if we walk in the presence of Christ Jesus.”
He will guard our hearts. So when we are wounded or attacked we will stay safe. The core of who we are, our heart condition, will stay clear and focused, even when we don’t understand.
The answer might be no, but IF we walk.. in the presence of Jesus He protects our hearts and our minds. He protects us.
Isn’t that an awesome promise?
The rest of this chapter continues the thought.
Vs 8, “Finally brothers (and sisters), whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me – put it into practise. And the God of peace will be with you.”

I hope this brings encouragement to you.
When life brings us struggles, and we don’t understand why it is not fair or just.
We can hold onto the the thoughts, that the Lord is near and in control.
We don’t have to understand everything.
We just have to Trust in the one who does.

What we embrace

by Sharon O | Feb 18, 2010 | Uncategorized

Romans 12:1 (The message) vs 1-2
So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life – your eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life- and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking.
Instead, fix your attention on God.
You’ll be changed from the inside out.
Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.
—————————————
I read this today and it stirred in me a new thought.
This is saying, give an offering of our lives to God, daily.
Dictionary.com said the meaning of offering is : ‘it is a show of intention.’
So this means we intentionally offer our lives to the Lord. Intentionally.
Dictionary. com said ‘it means, deliberately or willfully, done with intention or on purpose, by choice.’
So we choose to give all that we do, to the glory of God.
Is that possible always? Some days are not so good. We all have bad days, I certainly do.
The verse says to us “you will be changed from the inside out.”
As we choose to fix our attention and heart towards God, and embrace what HE wants for our lives, we grow and we change.
We become mature in our thinking.
We become discerning in the ways of our world and culture.
Yes we have to live here, yes we have to work and do every day things, the challenge for us, is to decide what do we want to embrace?
What values do we want to hold onto.

The verse said “readily recognize”, that means we choose to look with our spiritual eyes.
To recognize something, we would have to know it already. It is a place we have been before.
That would mean, we have experienced it and have a memory of it.
I see it as a ‘God moment’–Oh now I realize God is doing something here.

To be changed from the inside out is an intentional act.
Our choice to embrace the good and the bad.
As he moves us to a mature direction.

The beginning of the verse said “God helping you”. That means we ask.
We can’t receive help unless we are willing to accept it.
I think we all can relate to our ‘cultures desire’ to pull us down. Turn the TV on and you will see and hear all kinds of messages. They are not necessarily positive or good for us.
If we embrace those messages we loose the message of God.
Let us not compromise our purposeful intent. Let us allow God to change us from the inside out. So we can be strong in his word, spirit, and truth.
May we encourage each other always, as we allow God to bring out the best in us.

our choice

by Sharon O | Feb 17, 2010 | Uncategorized

Maya Angelou said :
“People will forget what you say,
people will forget what you do,
but people will never forget how you make them feel.”

I find this challenging today.

Just a short note… challenging us.

To remember, our words can have an impact on someone each day.
So it is our choice – To be thoughtful, kind, encouraging, edifying, gentle and perhaps even prayerful.

Relationships are not to be taken for granted.
Time is challenging us all. LIFE is challenging us all.
None of us knows when our days here are through.
So what we do with those days are simply a choice.

I heard a saying one time, not sure of the author.
“As you invest in others, you are investing in yourself also.”
another one,
“The greatest tragedy in life is choosing not to fully live.”

Let us live with intention.

God’s light

by Sharon O | Feb 16, 2010 | Uncategorized

The other day I was listening to a southern Gospel show, and I heard a comment that really grabbed my attention.
“We must never forget in the dark, what we know as truth in the light”.

As I listened to this, I was moved to remember the many times,
I have been alone at night.
Not feeling comfortable or safe. Every creak and noise magnified by the very reality that, ‘I was alone’. Every time the dog barked, it meant someone was outside. Every shadow or perceived shadow, a bad one. Someone could be lurking out there, waiting to come in.
What I know as truth, in the light of the day is this.
God is safe. God is here always. God protects.
God sends His Angels to guard and protect. God will never leave me ‘abandoned’.
He rescues me. He is greater than the darkness. His power is more powerful.
All I have to do is speak “I need you”, and his presence is near.
(Even though He is near always, my voice, activates my faith)
Gods Word is true always.
If I let fear come near and the unknown rule over me.
Then I have allowed the light to become blurred, by the darkness.
At night when I am alone, and my husband is gone. I do not have to fear the shadows at the window. I do not have to fear, or allow my imagination to startle me, with pretend images.
I can trust. I can know what is true. I can make a choice to believe. The angels will surround me with protection and peace.
The doors are locked.
I am safe from the outside.
When our son was little, maybe 4 or 5 we were all sleeping, and he came running into our room. As a rule the children weren’t supposed to be in our room, but this night we could see and experience his ‘night terror’.
“Dad, something is in my room, and it is breathing in and out, and it is scary,” he said in a child like whisper, looking very frightened and scared.
As a mom and dad who were just sound asleep down the hall from their children.
This was NOT something you want to hear from your child. Especially from one who is visibly terrified.
The story continues; “Dad it is over my bed, and it is big and moving, It woke me up and I’m scared”, the trembling voice of our son looking for reassurance and safety.
The picture is in my mind as I remember the scene. The young dad and son, facing our sons fear together hand in hand, as they walked down the hall to his room.
They entered the door way and turned on the light.
Holding their breaths, expecting to find, some evil thing startled standing in the room.
I waited with anticipation and fears of my own.
I heard down the hall, giggling, and laughing.
The evil monster turned out to be a hat, hanging at the end of the bed post.
The air from the heat vent, made it move in and out, appearing way more scary than it really was.
What was scary in the dark, now became exposed in the light.
The power of the moment ended with a huge sigh of relief, a little boys laugh and a very funny memory for us all.
The rest of the night was calm.
Our son went back to sleep, knowing the bad monster was no longer a threat. We settled back to bed, with a mommy and daddy sigh of relief, that our crisis was over.
When we face times of uncertainty and fear. When the ‘shadows’ overwhelm us.
We can claim victory over the dark places.
Psalm 18:28 “you light a lamp for me. The Lord, my God, lights up my darkness.”
John 1:5 “The light shined in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it”
Psalm 27: “The Lord is my light and my salvation–why should I be afraid?
The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, why should I tremble?”
Our son is now a daddy with two sons of his own.
He will someday need to walk down the hall with them, hand in hand ready to face, the evil monster.
When they do, I pray he will remember what is fearful in the night, might not be anything when the light is near.
The light is brighter than the darkness.
I hope this brings encouragement to you.
Psalm 56:13 “For you have rescued me from death; you have kept my feet from slipping. So now I can walk in your presence, O God, In your life-giving light.” God’s life giving light.

A friends prayer

by Sharon O | Feb 14, 2010 | Uncategorized

Have you ever read the book of Job?
The other day I was reading some of it. The part that really became fascinating was the conversations between God and Job.
Now the very thought of even having a conversation with God, is an idea that doesn’t come naturally to me. I mean God, was talking to Job in the midst of a whirlwind. So it was the sound of whooshing air yet Job knew it was words? It said ‘The Lord answered Job from the whirlwind’.
I challenge you to read chapters 38, 39, 40, 41 and 42. It is awesome. I was reading it with great interest, and the most fascinating part was God’s challenge.

Several times in the passages God said to Job; “Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorant words? Brace yourself like a man, because I have some questions for you, and you must answer them.” He says this at least two times.
Wow, CAN you imagine? God saying… “Brace yourself…. I am going to be talking to you and YOU must answer me.” Then He continues, chapter 40 vs 1 “Do you still want to argue with the Almighty? You are God’s critic, but do you have the answers?”

At one point Job answers him, chapter 40 vs 1-6. He becomes humbled. He realizes, HE should not be saying a word to God, other than humble words.
“I am nothing – how could I ever find the answers? I will cover my mouth with my hand. I have said too much already I have nothing more to say”.

Again I am in awe, that God would challenge Job, and gently Bless him back into the relationship again.
Isn’t it an awesome example for us to see God’s power, and His desire for relationship with us. He says later in chapter 42, when He is talking to a friend of Job’s…”My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer on your behalf. I will not treat you as you deserve, for you have not spoken accurately about me, as my servant Job has.” vs 10 When Job prayed for his friends, the Lord restored his fortunes. In fact the Lord gave him twice as much as before. At the end it said ‘Job lived 140 years after that, living to see four generations of his children and grandchildren. Then he died, an old man who lived a long, full life.’

The prayers of a good friend is a gift we all need.
Today I spent time with my best friend, we shared from our hearts. It was good. A time for us to be reconnected, as sisters in the Lord and as good friends. When I ask her to pray for me I know she does. I don’t question it, I just know. It is important for her.
This reading in Job was powerful for me.
It spoke to me of relationship, of discipline, of love, of restoration and of humility.
After all that, a long full life.
What more could we ask for?

I challenge you today, to read the book of Job.
It is a good reminder of God’s power, love and desire to do good things for us.