by Sharon O | Mar 2, 2010 | Uncategorized
“You have made us for yourself Oh Lord, Our hearts are restless until they rest in you.”
St. Augustine
As the Lord has been pressing me forward to share the journeys of brokenness that I had to walk through. He reminded me of something I had written down. I am not really sure where I got it from, a book or message from our Pastor, or a ladies meeting? “people won’t believe your message, until they know you are real.”
Reminding me of the childhood story, The Velveteen Rabbit.
The questions between the Skin horse and the rabbit in the nursery full of toys and blankets and childhood magic. Read with me:
“For nursery magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like Skin Horse understood all about it.”
“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were laying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that go buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”
“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”
“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.
“Sometimes.” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.
“When you are real you don’t mind being hurt.”
“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or a bit by bit?”
“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse.
“You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
“I suppose you are real?” said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.
“The Boy’s Uncle made me Real.” he said. “That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can’t become unreal again. It lasts for always.”
I believe the only way to be real is to be transparent and open.
Allowing others to see us and love us, in and through our brokenness.
As the Lord dislodged the pain that I carried, my ‘real self’ began to emerge.
His love saturated my heart and the woundedness of my soul.
I could never go back, to where I was or who I was.
Just as the Rabbit said. When we know He loves us.
It frees us to be, ‘who we were meant to be’.
The restless heart that was within me for most of my young life, could only be filled and calmed by the Love of God.
Our Pastor once said; “It is not knowing about Jesus, it is understanding through Him.
Fully grasping His love for Us.”
So God is showing me through this new transition of my life, the need to allow Him to help me to become who I was created to be. If it is through my writing that I am able to bless others.
Then I will write. If it is in speaking and sharing my story. Then I will do that also.
He will give me the strength and the words when the time is right.
The Lord said,”I will show up in your midst, my presence will be upon you, as you follow me and encourage others.”
Psalm 101:1-3 “I will sing of your Love and justice Lord. I will praise you with songs. I will be careful to live a blameless life – when will you come help me?
I will lead a life of integrity in my own home.” vs 6: “I will search for faithful people to be my companions”.
Psalm 95: 1 The psalmist says :”Come, let us Bow down. Let us kneel before the Lord our maker, for HE is God. We are the people he watches over, the flock under his care. If only you would listen to his voice today!”
I encourage us all… as we journey through this thing called life, may we earnestly seek to listen to his voice. We must stop, and listen, for it is often in the stillness of the moment when He will whisper.
by Sharon O | Mar 1, 2010 | Uncategorized
Our pastor challenged us yesterday.
It was awesome. Thought provoking.
He talked about Shame.
Just the very sound of the word, brings feelings.
Dictionary.com says it is the arising of painful feelings, brought on by yourself or others, dishonorable, disgrace, improper or ridiculous.
It is an internal feeling inside our heart, rather than an external feeling.
It is deep. A core truth that we have chosen to believe.
I am bad and unlovable.
Pastor said; shame is not guilt.
Shame is more about who you are, not what you did, it is personal.
Guilt is more action, it is embarrassment or a revelation of ‘I did wrong, I am sorry’.
Guilt is freeing, a way to repent and start over.
Shame says, ‘I am wrong, I am not worthy, there is no hope’.
He talked about Moses, when he was on the mountain receiving the ten commandments from God, he also received a ‘glowing’ countenance. It was radiant, bright.
When he walked away from the presence of God, the glow went away. Moses put a veil over his face so the ‘people’ couldn’t see the change.
Exodus 34:27-30 the story is told, how Moses covered his face, over and over, to cover the shame of the ‘dimming’ glow.
Pastor said ‘how is that different than what we do with each other’?
We cover ‘ourselves’ so others cannot see.
The real ME.
We hide.
We sometimes cover more than just our face. He showed the visual of ‘covering our entire body’, so others cannot see the real ‘inside self’ of who we are, as he wrapped himself in a dark piece of cloth.
When I began my recovery journey, I was hesitant to say, ‘I am in counseling’.
Why? I am not sure, maybe it was a concern about ‘what would others think?’. Maybe I was hiding, my truth so I didn’t appear less ‘together’, than what I was presenting. Maybe I didn’t want to explain why?
I don’t know, but I do know now, as I am more mature in the process. I find it to be as valuable as going to the dentist or doctor. It is a point of ‘checking in’… is my health OK? am I thinking clearly?
Recent news has stirred me.
I find it fascinating and sad this weekend to see on the Internet and news. The headline:
Marie Osmond devastated by her son’s death.
Why would that even appear in the news?
Wouldn’t that be normal to be devastated as a mother, as the news came to you, that your child is now gone?
Why would they be ‘surprised?’ Why is that even worth mentioning or writing about?
Then they go on and say, ‘he fought a life long battle with depression, and wrote about it in a letter which he left behind’. Then they write about her divorces and how he was one of her 5 adopted children. Then they go on to tell how he had been in a rehabilitation facility and how she as a mom, did not want to discuss or disclose the reason why.
I just couldn’t believe what I was reading and hearing. So now you have a grieving family, and you place on them the ‘shame’, that you should have loved more deeply or more intensely.
It was like they were saying, ‘she saw his pain and couldn’t fix it’.
The end result was ‘his shame, of who he was’ and he committed suicide.
How horrible. How awful. How devastating to all who are involved and knew him.
I pray we do not assume it was a mothers love, or lack of it, that caused the hurt in his heart.
I pray that we stop the talking and pray for her and her family.
Shame probably did play a role in his heart, to do something that drastic.
The shame of ‘who he was’ that he couldn’t over come.
The depression and feelings that would not leave.
It was a heart hurt.
Suicide is never the answer, there is always hope when we look deeply for it.
God in your wisdom and mercy, I pray that we as a people never say cruel or mean things to others in their deepest ‘grief’ moments.
The media should feel ‘guilt’ over what they said. The media is wrong.
I don’t know Marie Osmond, but I would guess she is a mother who loved with a mothers heart. We as a people need to be thoughtful and pray for her. The words, shame, and suicide are ‘like salt and pepper’. They so often go together.
I pray, I pray, for the these families right now.
I also pray the media will respect them and leave them alone. It is a very sad thing.
This is just ‘something for us to think about’ today, as we move into a new week.
by Sharon O | Feb 26, 2010 | Uncategorized
Psalm 18:14
The human spirit can endure a sick body, but who can bear a crushed spirit.
The most difficult part of this week has been for me,
the opening up of parts of my heart and becoming transparent.
I didn’t plan on sharing about ‘me’ or my journey.
The Lord kept pressing and as a flashlight in a darkened room,
he brought close to me the words to share.
Illuminating them so I could see them for what they were.
A story.
Maybe to help someone.
Maybe to help me.
Candid words, openly sharing secrets that have been stored so deeply.
Not all secrets can be hidden forever.
Not all secrets can be shared, nor should they be.
When our dad left, our world was changed by one decision.
How does one deal with a dad who just walks away?
Abandonment was one of the first ‘real deep’ wounds given to our hearts.
Little children do not know what to do with it.
So they internalize that somehow; maybe if I had not been so bad, maybe if I had more value or worth, or been more funny or cute.
He would have stayed.
No, the reality as it has been explained to me in recovery and counselors offices.
It wasn’t about the children.
It rarely is.
Adults make choices that children have to live with.
We were 5, 7 and 9. Forced to be responsible for ourselves.
Little children who should have been playing carefree.
Now had burdens to carry.
The years progressed into more burdens. More weight.
In my 20’s and 30’s my body broke down after carrying inside, so much for so long.
My illness was mostly realizing the weight of our lives as children growing up,
in a crazy jumbled world.
My heart was not fine, and my body was breaking down
from deep grief never addressed.
I did not know yet, how the truth was crushing my spirit.
The doctors thought I had lupus a serious auto immune disease.
I would go into shock.
I had massive body pain.
I became depressed. I became very ill.
I felt like I was falling into a deep hole.
Full of darkness and hollow spaces.
It was frightening.
I even had meningitis. Tests after tests, wore me down.
During all this I had my own children to care for.
Life kept moving forward and the Lord kept challenging me.
The body remembers way before the mind does.
Memories began to flood me.
Like a dam full of tumultuous water, the power of it knocked me down.
I couldn’t stop it and I was down for many years.
As I began to rise, slowly and steadily, with the help of a marvelous counselor.
I saw purpose through the pain.
I didn’t question. I just trusted.
The sickness was a spiritual one. A heart hurt by a deep grief.
A very deep pain in my heart, that God could not heal, until it was seen by me and addressed.
I had to say it for what it was and allow Him to restore me.
God is a God of restoration and healing.
He brought beauty from the ashes, and joy from my mourning.
As I mentioned before, our dad is still alive and living with our mother.
I asked my counselor one time, “What impact will it be for me, when he is gone forever?” and he said to me with tears in his eyes, “You will miss what you never had, and can never have for those years are gone. You were not protected by your parents and that is a huge loss for any child”. I am not parent bashing. I am just saying the truth for what it was.
I have tightly guarded my heart for years not knowing it was a scriptural concept.
There was a purpose for that.
The Lord was protecting me.
So that the core of who I was, would not be destroyed in the process of all the pain put upon us.
God is a God who restores and brings wholeness and purpose to those who follow him.
So we can have a future and a hope.
Psalm 4:29 Guard your heart above all else for it determines the course of your life.
I hope you find this encouraging.
My desire has not been to talk about my ‘life’ so much, that I cannot minister or give hope to someone else.
The Lord through this process said to me “in order for them to be helped, they must know you have walked the road yourself”.
As I see it, it is something for us to think about.
We don’t appreciate the high places until we acknowledge and understand the low places we have been.
God bless you in your journey as you move forward with transparency and courage.
Let us encourage each other always.
by Sharon O | Feb 25, 2010 | Uncategorized
“A kind word can be as refreshing as a spring shower”
Last night when I was opening up a new sour cream container for our taco’s,
I noticed this little message on the inside label that sealed the contents.
How odd I thought, to see a ‘wonderful little blessing’ on a sour cream container.
We can find encouragement in the most unique and unexpected places.
If we look and pay attention.
Because of the ‘not so nice words’ I had as a child growing up,
it has been my goal to have kind words close to me most of the time.
It is just as easy to say something nice, as it is to say something mean.
Kindness is like a gift, to unwrap and behold its power, to ‘soften’ a hardened heart.
Proverbs 16:24: Kind words are like honey – sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.
When I was working full time at a pharmacy there was an senior gentleman who would often come in.
He was harsh and very rough around the edges.
I remember the first time I met him I said to him as he was leaving,
“Have a nice day” and he snapped back to me with his
snarly deep voice, “what is left of it”.
I quickly thought, wow you should be glad you have any days to be thankful about.
At age 80+ who knows how long he had left. I often think of him and his “what’s left of it comment”.
Is that similar to the glass half full or the glass half empty concept?
It is an attitude.
2 Corinthians 6:1 (a new testament book of the Bible)
As God’s partners, we beg you to not accept this marvelous gift of God’s kindness
then ignore it.
How often have we been given a gift, and we put it away to ignore it
and never enjoy it as the giver intended us to do.
I was continually kind to the old man in the pharmacy each time he came in to purchase something. He eventually became kind to me.
It took time. I had to be patient.
Somehow I hoped that my ‘words’ would touch him
in the roughest place of his heart, and maybe he would “hear himself”.
Perhaps he did.
I won’t ever know.
But what I do know is kindness is something we all can do.
It is another one of those life choices we can make.
Proverbs 15:23 Everyone enjoys a fitting reply, it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time.
Sometimes telling someone to have a nice day, is JUST what they have been waiting to hear.
by Sharon O | Feb 23, 2010 | Uncategorized
Following up on yesterdays writing.
Around 16-18 years ago, my mom and dad remarried.
I can’t really remember what year it was.
We weren’t invited to the ‘wedding’.
It was a strange and bizarre moment for me.
I was fascinated by the fact, that old age would bring them around each other.
Also interested in why, they would actually want to live in the same house again.
They seem to be happy now.
She is in her late 70’s he is in his early 80’s.
Familiarity seemed to be the reason they reunited. (dictionary.com says: the state of being familiar; friendly relationship; close acquaintance; intimacy)
Growing old alone is often a sad and empty place for seniors.
They knew each other, they had children and grand children together.
It was a natural choice for them.
It was a marriage out of convenience, and maybe a few other motives I won’t go into.
At least now with them being together.
I don’t have to wonder or worry about, where he is or whether he is alive or not.
I know where he lives and know how to find him.
I am not that close to either one of them. It is ok.
When we visit, it is a visit.
A slight tapping into a place in the past.
There have been many years of recovery and growth.
God is still working on my heart.
When I ask.
Why did all the suffering have to happen?
Just for them to reunite and be together in their old age?
There is no answer.
I just have to trust.
God is a God of restoration.
It can be a broken heart, or a broken marriage.
He restores what was broken and puts it back together in his time.
We just have to trust in the process.
