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Tomorrow is Fathers day again. June 20th, 2021
I know many of ‘these’ days were empty growing up with my dad gone.
He left us when I was only four, too young to understand any reason why.
Every Fathers day, so many times I would find myself standing at the card aisle, looking at all the wonderful sentiments,
and not really relating to any of them.
My dad did not come back into my life until my mid thirties.
Many years were lost between us.
Many memories could have been made, but he was gone.
When he did come back into the family it was very nice, but there was also distance.
We had an understanding between us.
I didn’t expect much of him and I think he knew that on some level.
I was not sure of how to navigate the relationship and possibly he didn’t either.
There were some things now that I wish I had as a memory.
I would have wanted him to walk me down the aisle when my husband and I got married.
I would have wanted the daughter-dad dance, although back then, no one danced at the weddings.
I would have loved to see him hold our son and our daughter as newborn babies.
Grandpa, and baby. That would have been a great photo.
He did spend some time with our son after he grew up and had a home and sons of his own.
Dad was a cowboy with a leather vest, blue jeans with country shirts, that snapped shut, and always cowboy boots.
(I remember trying to sew those western shirts for my husband and son.
It was not easy to do but I did it, at least for one picture.)
Dad was a man of few words. At least that was my impression of him.
He had a difficult life growing up and that was part of the walls he carried into his final years and into his relationships.
Fathers day… A day of remembering.
A day to say thank you, or I miss you or it’s been good to finally have closure.
Tomorrow is Fathers day again,  and I can honestly say, I miss him, and I always will.